Talk To Me Internet: We Need To Do Something About Twitter

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

It’s pretty obvious that we are going to have a repeat of 2016’s political catastrophe if don’t do something about Twitter’s bot problem. But, alas, it’s just not a priority for us as a nation right now. The Russians will come back eventually and keep throwing elections to the politician of their choice until The Powers That be finally, finally have a vested interested to do something

How long that will be, exactly, is anyone’s guess.

Could be a long, long, long, long time. Decades.

It would be cool to think Google would buy Twitter and do something really cool with it or that, hell, maybe the government would buy it. But, alas, neither one of those things is ever going to happen and we’re just screwed.

Here’s a bonus Talk To Me Internet:

‘Nasty Woman’ — #Lyrics To Woke Pop-Rock-R&B Fusion Song

I’ve written this one for no other reason than I see an opportunity for lyrics. The mayor of San Juan wore a “Nasty” shirt. So, here you go.

Nasty Woman
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
Hook by whoever wrote Nasty for Janet Jackson a long time ago
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

It’s Jackson if you’re nasty
It’s Jackson if you’re nasty
It’s Jackson if you’re nasty

the president is tweeting
all during the week
and it’s pretty weak
but there’s nothing more we seek
than a little leadership
from the people in D.C.

It’s Jackson if you’re nasty
It’s Jackson if you’re nasty
It’s Jackson if you’re nasty

nasty woman is in control
nasty woman is telling us the truth
nasty woman what will the president do

nothing is going to change
unless the nasty women do something true
it’s true that the nasty women have to move
they have to move the earth and moon too
because men just won’t do anything at all

we just want someone to pull us through
during this time of crisis
but we ain’t got shit
people aren’t listening to anything
that we say
so we have to be nasty

It’s Jackson if you’re nasty
It’s Jackson if you’re nasty
It’s Jackson if you’re nasty

nasty woman is in control
nasty woman is telling us the truth
nasty woman what will the president do

[bridge]
bring me some empathy
bring me something to believe in
something that is true
’cause we got nothing in the White House
it’s true

It’s Jackson if you’re nasty
It’s Jackson if you’re nasty
It’s Jackson if you’re nasty

nasty woman is in control
nasty woman is telling us the truth
nasty woman what will the president do

‘Big Hands Eats The World’ — #Lyrics To A Woke Pop-Rock Power Ballad

These lyrics would go to a beat a lot like “A Day In The Life.” Anyway, this is supposed to be a surreal tale of 2017. That’s the goal, at least.

Big Hands Eats The World
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

there doesn’t seem to be
anything we can do but flee
the end has come
the sun runs with blood
and big hands wants it all for himself
demanding that we huff and huff and huff
until we give him all our stuff
the question for us is what happens next
will we submit
or will we resist

big hands you want it all
big hands it’s your call
you want us to submit
but we will resist, resist, resist

now hold on tight
we’ll have a bit of delight
before it’s all over I swear
things will get scary it’s true
but what can you do, what can you do
the bad guy won and now we’re in the can
give me a light babe
maybe that will make it alright
or maybe we’re all going to die

big hands you want it all
big hands it’s your call
you want us to submit
but we will resist, resist, resist

[bridge]
I still have hope
that maybe we’re not all on a rope
maybe things will change
maybe things will change
and we’ll go back to when things were sane

people are killing each other in the street
but what about Chicago the alt-right sings
please shut up and let me think
we’re not meant to sink into oblivion just yet

big hands don’t grab me just yet
I need to realize my strength
big hands don’t grab me just yet
I need to realize my strength

‘Chaos’ — #Lyrics To A Slow, Woke Pop-Rock Song

This would be a slow, melodic pop-rock song like “Junk.”

Chaos
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

the end has come
at least it seems
I continue to sleep
hoping it’ll go away
but there’s nothing I can say
much to my dismay
much to my dismay
much to my dismay

chaos is everywhere
I’m afraid
chaos is here to stay
we’re just going to have to
fight the nightmare
fight the nightmare

wish I could awake
but it’s just not to be
we’re just going to have to flee
in the the night
hope something comes around
to fix the problem soon enough

chaos is everywhere
I’m afraid
chaos is here to stay
we’re just going to have to
fight the nightmare
fight the nightmare

[bridge]
what can I say
we’re all full of dismay
it doesn’t seem as though
we’ll ever be free
but give me space
and a little bit of grace

when the end finally comes
will we even know
will we even know
that it’s arrived
or will we just sigh
and be filled with delight

‘To Ms. Badu In This Time Of Troubles’ — Lyrics To A Woke Pop-Rock Song

I really like Erykah Badu and this is just me screwing around, thinking up lyrics that tell a story for no other reason than it’s fun.

To Ms. Badu In This Time Of Troubles
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

things seem to be falling apart
but you’re creative as fuck
something we need a lot
so come close as you can
lend me a hand
tell me your secrets or maybe not
we all need to hear your voice
here what you have to say
it won’t make things better
but you’ll maybe make us feel light as a feather

please Ms. Badu
do what you do with charm
please Ms. Badu
make us feel better
with your art
please Ms. Badu
charm us till the end
you’re our only friend

there’s nothing we can say
nothing we can do
that will make things change
but you’re our only hope to feel better
the end feels like its coming it’s true
but what can I say
I can only hope that’s not true
the truth is something greater
something wonderful as can be
something that makes us not want to flee

please Ms. Badu
do what you do with charm
please Ms. Badu
make us feel better
with your art
please Ms. Badu
charm us till the end
you’re our only friend

[bridge]
now what I have to ask
will we all run out of gas
our will we be stronger in the end
when we realize the strength of your whim

now try to listen to me close
we need you to delight
we’re all full of fright
we need your hope as much as possible
things are dark
things are dark
things are dark

‘AR-15’– #Lyrics To A Woke Pop-Rock Song

This would be a slow pop-rock song like the song “Just Like Honey.” Anyway, I’m only writing this because I need to work on my novel and I’m procrastinating.

Ar-15
Lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please given credit if you produce or perform

the end is near
that’s what we all fear
not much more to say dear
when it all becomes clear
you’ll just understand
that’s it’s not at all queer

Ar-15s are safe
if you make an appointment with fate
Ar-15s go about their appointed rounds
shooting us all down
shooting us all down

never fear my dear
everything you hold dear will end
we’re going to have to admit
nothing is going to change
nothing is going to change
nothing is going to change

we’re all going to die
it happens eventually they say
might as well embrace the advocacy
of guns here and there

Ar-15s are safe
if you make an appointment with fate
Ar-15s go about their appointed rounds
shooting us all down
shooting us all down

[bridge]
now hold on tight
let me touch your thigh
’cause the end is near
nothing to say I’m afraid
but the end is here

what can anyone say
but admit our fears anyway
the end is coming soon enough
just admit you’re afraid
when the shooting comes
you’ll exercise your right
to run away
to run away
to run away

Talk To Me Internet: Of #GunControl #GunControlNow

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

In this one I talk about the gun control debate in the United States and how it’s effectively over. There will never be any gun control in the United States, no matter what. A thousand people could die in one event and nothing would happen.

‘Cheap Cracker’ — #Lyrics To A Woke R&B Song

These lyrics are meant to have the same vibe as a Marvin Gaye Song. I don’t really have a beat in mind. And, really, I’m just writing this because I feel like it.

Cheap Cracker
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

you have all the money in the world
you have a golden apartment in the sky
and a hot woman who’ll let you rub her thigh
you’d think you’d be willing to give a little to the people
as you sit in Trump Tower
thinking of how much cake we’re supposed to eat

but you’re a cheap cracker
it’s true
you’re a cheap cracker I’m afraid
someone who won’t give money to
the needy
cheap cracker
cheap cracker
cheap cracker

I wish there was something I could say
that would persuade you
to stop your evil ways
but you’re determined to tweet your way
into infamy

but what can I say
but observe that you have
all the power in the world
but no dignity
you’re your own worst enemy
but you’re not listening to me

but you’re a cheap cracker
it’s true
you’re a cheap cracker I’m afraid
someone who won’t give money to
the needy
cheap cracker
cheap cracker
cheap cracker

[bridge]
wish you’d listen to my words
but you don’t care
you’re too busy tweeting
to heed my call
for civility

sometimes I feel the end is near
but no one listens to me
so I scream into the void
hoping something will change
but it never does
it never does
it never does

Talk To Me Internet: Some Thoughts On Hugh Hefner’s Complicated Legacy

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

This one is pretty good. Enjoy

Some Idle Musing On Playboy Upon The Death Of Hugh Hefner

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

While he wasn’t perfect, Hugh Hefner was a personal hero of mine and influenced me in ways large and small. My personal politics are pretty much the editorial page of Playboy in about 1976. Anyway, with his death, Playboy is at a crossroads. I have a little time on my hands and so I’m going idly muse on my personal vision for the great publication that he founded. I have written about most, if not all, of this before but I feel like talking about it again now that Hefner is dead.

If I had any control over Playboy, I would try to bring back its coolness factor from the ’50 and ’60s. I would bring back the old Playboy TV show, maybe in partnership with YouTube or NetFlix and restore the brand to its glory days. I think there is a huge market for that old school cool and if they did a regular show that featured cool people talking about cool stuff and great bands, then people would respond.

Additionally, I would re-imagine the Playboy ideal. As it stands, for decades, the Playboy man has supposed to covet the attention of the “girl next door” who was hot and surprisingly easy given her ostensible persona. I would do something cool like obsess over Ilana Glazer and make her the “mascot” of the publication. She’s not your traditional beauty, but she’s very sex-positive and she would fit perfectly with the modern concept of the type of woman the Playboy man is supposed to lust after.

All of this would be in the context of trying to turn Playboy.com into the second coming of Gawker.com. If Playboy wants to be relevant again, it needs to flip the script, shake things up a little bit — or maybe a lot — and get people talking about it again. And the best way to do that would be to hire a lot of former Gawker writers and get them to rile up the elites with thought provoking commentary. That’s the thing about Playboy right now — it just doesn’t really generate all that much buzz like it used to. It’s a “legacy brand” as they say, and as such it’s more something a middle-aged man like me likes as opposed to the 20 somethings whose attention advertisers long for.

I would also suggest that — in conjunction with Ilana Glazer — the publication go into video in a big way by maybe having Glazer be a roving reporter for them in little shorts. She’s probably really busy right now and it might cost a bit more than expected to get her to do it, but the cost would be worth it. She would bring instant buzz and street cred back to Playboy in a big way. I know I talk a lot about Glazer sometimes, but she’s a personal favorite and I enjoy thinking up new and different ways to exploit her great personality.

Anyway, thanks for the memories, Hef.