A number of things have come together that give me renewed confidence with the third draft of the novel I’m working on. The last few days, since an editor I was hoping to work with begged off after they read this blog, I have been feeling a great deal of existential angst.
But things have changed for the better.
I feel a lot better. One thing that happened is a random woman I gave the first three chapters of the novel to read it and didn’t say she hated it. In fact, she said, “keep writing.” That makes me feel a lot better. I was really sweating it there for a little while because I gave it to her and she had not emailed me back any reaction.
Another is, I was reminded yet again that just because ONE person thinks I’m too much of a freaky weirdo to work with, doesn’t mean that it’s totally impossible for me to find someone, somewhere who will find my kookiness endearing.
Or something. Something like that. I just can hinge everything on rejection from one person — even if I fear she does give me some sense of what “liberal white women” might think of the premise of the novel. As I’ve said before, I got no beef with liberal white women, I just see it as something of a running gag.
Anyway. With all that in mind, I’m going to throw myself back into writing the novel. *I* really like the story I’ve come up with, even if some members of the woke cancel culture mob (wink) might be aghast that my heroine is a part-time stripper. Ok, I get it. But I do think that if you give the story a chance — which I know is, unto itself, a big ask — that you will enjoy it.
Having said all that, I am really going to work hard to use some of my spare time to develop the backup scifi novel that I have been working on some. It’s really cool and I just don’t feel comfortable putting ALL my creative eggs in the lone basket of the main novel.
I’m not getting any younger.
But the key thing remains — I have to prepare myself for rejection –a lot of it — as I get closer to the querying process.
I have decided that as part of the process of adjusting my expectations with this novel, I have to accept that there is a chance I will fail. It’s possible that not only is this novel just too “racy” for both the liberal white women who make up the majority of literary agents and the “woke cancel culture mob” but that I’m just too old and weird to ever be a published author.
Mood.
It’s possible that, by definition, anyone who does due diligence on me will want nothing to do with me — even if they like my novel.
This is bitter pill, but one I have to prepare myself to swallow. It could be that I’m a little bit *too* unique for my own good. No amount of meaning well or being self-conscious and hyper aware of my kookiness will change the fact that “normal” people with careers and money just will be aghast at what they find out about me when they do the obligatory due diligence.
This is very disheartening. My only consolation is I’m gaming out a future that may or may not come about. But I have to prepare for such a nightmare. The fact that the very thing I feared would happen — someone I wanted to work with decided they wanted nothing to do with me once they read this blog — did, in fact, happen, has left me rattled.
And, yet, as I keep saying, this novel is existential. I write because I have to, not because I want to and, as such, I want the satisfaction of knowing that if people would just give me a chance that they would see that I am, a good writer and that I don’t suck.
I also am going to TRY to work on my backup novel so there’s a chance that if someone doesn’t like how “racy” main novel is, I will at least be able to show them a scifi novel with littler or no sex. The scifi novel would also fit the modern conventions of novel writing.
And, come to think of it, if I was, like, 25 years younger, I might take the idea of screenwriting a lot more seriously. But the learning curve for that is just too sharp. Would take me years to get to the point that I am now with novel writing. So, I’m kind of in a corner.
Things are moving rapidly when it comes to AI-generated music. There are now at least two services — Suno and Udio — that allow you to write a prompt that generates songs with lyrics.
It definitely seems as though we may be about to enter A New Age when it comes to pop music when such music, if it hits the zeitgeist just right, may become as popular as human-generated music.
And that doesn’t even begin to address the issue of the possibility that the estates of long-dead artists might license their audio “likeness” to AI companies so a zillian songs-in-the-style of The Rolling Stones, or The Beatles or whomever could be generated on the fly in an ad hoc way by millions of people around the globe.
This is obviously a ping from a future where AI takes over all forms of art. Most art will be AI generated to the point that it crowds out human-generated art. And I still think that it is inevitable that consumers will come to value human-generated art over AI-generated art, no matter the quality.
This would be a similar situation to what happens in the movie Blade Runner where the ownership of “real” animals is a big deal. As such, I could see live experiences ranging from live theatre to sports to music concerts all seeing a real uptick in their cultural value.
We may see a day soon where young would-be starlets go to Broadway instead of Hollywood to find fame and fortune because, lulz, Hollywood will just be a bunch of 1s and 0s.
I can’t predict the future, though, I don’t know for sure any such thing will happen. But it’s definitely a possibility.
At the moment, I’m living in oblivion and could easily walk off the side of the earth without anyone noticing for a few weeks. So, when I saw what happened to the one semi-famous person I’ve actually interacted with I was rather surprised.
Elisa Jordana
You see, there once was a very curious streaming “program” online called Kermit & Friends. It was hosted by Elisa Jordana and at its height had a very small — but obsessive — following. This was a number of years ago, even before the rise of MAGA and Trump, if I remember correctly.
I only got involved with KAF, as was called, because I was “power user” of a video chat service known as Blab and people from the KAF community would occasionally drift into the Blab community. Given that I was a user of note on Blab, I realized it was inevitable that the KAF people would swarm me.
So, rather than wait for that inevitable event, I plunged into KAF and would occasion appear on the show. The key issue about KAF was it was trying to be like the Howard Stern show — on which Jordana was once a writer — but it totally missed the point of the show.
Yes, there are some very grating, crass elements to The Howard Stern Show, but Stern has, over the decades, become probably the best broadcast interviewer. It is surreal how he surrounds himself with such…unique…people and then can turn around and evoke a very, very compelling, though provoking interview.
But back to Jordana.
What was so interesting about KAF was Jordana — who is demonstrably attractive — was she seemed to want to use her air of celebrity to exploit the anonymous middle-aged men (like me) who were ecstatic that someone like her would give them any attention at all.
The whole thing was surreal and EXTREEMLY DIFFICULT to properly explain to anyone who had not actually watched KAF. Given how obsessive the audience of KAF was, I’m SURE there are any number of clips of me being on the show floating around.
One notable element of the KAF community was how intense it all was. Every Jordana twitch was debated and scrutinized to an bonkers level. And that doesn’t even begin to address how *I* became to focus of some of that insane attention to the point that people would dig up shit I posted online twenty years ago and demand I give the an explanation for it.
To a certain extent, this reminds me of what happened to me at the height of ROKon Magazine. That, too, was a moment in time when I felt like I had some sort of “image” I had to manage because people actually, like, uh, cared about me.
Jordana hitting her boyfriend during a livestream / New York Post
One curious element to the KAF community was there was a real need for some sort of WWE-like “storyline” that people could follow. As such, a number of KAF people were OBSESSD with trying to romantically link me to Jordana even though it was clear she was just using me — and everyone else swirling around her — for content.
This absurdity came to a head when I went to NYC one time and called her bluff — I suggested we meet up while I was in town. I’m sure she was both alarmed and bemused that a loser like me (relative to her at the time) would propose such a thing.
It was around the time of the untimely, tragic death of the late Annie Shapiro that I got fucking fed up with KAF. They were so obsessed with things they thought might be true — even though these possibilities were, well, impossible — that they made insinuations that left me enraged.
Anyway. I don’t like to think about that.
But, back to Jordana. She made news recently for beating the shit out of her boyfriend. From what I can tell it’s understandable that she freaked out on her boyfriend, but…maybe violence wasn’t the best course of action? And especially not while you were livestreaming in your car.
From what I can tell from the New York Post article about the incident, she still has some sort of KAF show on YouTube? Maybe? I’m too lazy and leery of getting involve in that particular situation again.
But what gets me about this whole incident is the Post coverage. It makes me wince at how they would describe me if I somehow got into the spotlight. It’s very unnerving.
Anyway, I’m completely indifferent to all of this. I just want to be left alone by anyone still somehow connected to KAF or Jordana. I probably shouldn’t even write this post, but I can’t help myself because this is actually something interesting I have some connection to.
The fact that a malignant ding-dong like Trump remains 60,000 votes in five swing states away from being POTUS is a pretty good sign that on a macro basis, the United States may have just turned into a shrug emoji. The average person simply can not, will not process the idea that the abstract of 250 years of democracy is more important than the cost of eggs.
And, but for one thing, I would believe the US is on the cusp of slouching towards autocracy and the transition into a “managed democracy” like that found in Russia will be swift and done without violence. And that one thing is ding-dong Trump.
Trump is so fucking lazy and stupid that he could very well single-handedly cause the United States to descend into situation where some pretty surreal events happen. Now, obviously, there is a chance that general placid nature of Americans will cause Trump to get away with going full tyrant without incident.
But there is also a chance that he will be so fucking conspicuous in his tyranny should he become POTUS again that Traditionalists — who would otherwise be the core of his support going forward — will blanch. I don’t expect them to actively agitate for Trump to be deposed, but I do think that if something like a Blue General Strike happened that they might sit on their hands and let events unfold.
Though, of course, if Trump was somehow magically deposed — either through successful impeachment in the Senate or the U.S. Military stepping in — there probably would be a Civil War because Red States would be enraged.
All this goes back to the key issue — late 2024, early 2025 could see the United States be the most politically unstable since the end of the Civil War. Win or lose, Trump could cause the earth to stand still. If he loses, he could rant about the need for a National Divorce, which would cause a civil war. Win, and he could be so bad at being a tyrant that he’s deposed…which causes a civil war.
As I’ve written before, the only way we get out of the 2024 election in one peace is if Trump loses and he just drift peacefully off the national stage until he tries to be president again in 2028.
That’s it. That’s all I got. Otherwise, we’re fucked.
I am going through some scenes in the first half of the second act of the third draft of the novel and as I do it, I realize that, if nothing else, *I* like this novel. And since I’m the one actually fucking writing it, the squares and narcs who can’t handle my heroine being a part-time sex worker and just fuck off.
Believe.
Wink.
The story is interesting and compelling. Yes, it’s a bit “racy” as one Reader told me, but, so, too, is Boogie Nights and that’s one of the best movies of the last 30 years. I’m not comparing my novel to Boogie Nights, but the concept is the same.
And what is the point of a story but to be thought-provoking and interesting? Most of all, this novel, if I write it correctly, will make you feel something. You’ll — hopefully — become emotionally invested in my heroine’s obsession with owning a small town newspaper.
I hope to write a novel as popular and successful as The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.
I can’t help that the fucking “woke cancel culture mob” wants us all to live in a sexless world where nothing ever troubles their tender sensibilities. The novel I’m working on tells a really compelling story — despite being “racy” — and, as such, I’m willing to throw myself into it so I can see it to completion.
I will worry about the reaction of the Real World once I’m done. And I’m fine with it never being published because of its controversial subject matter. Me getting anything published at this point would be something like winning the creative lottery, so, lulz.
Now that it’s clear that *I* am the problem going forward if anyone should do due diligence on me when I query the novel I’m working on, let’s go through what might be problematic.
Mood
My Comments About Transgender People I will occasionally write something on this blog about how if I was a “twenty something undocumented transgendered woman” then selling my novel would be easier. I can see why such a quip might alarm some people who are easily “triggered” by statement that doesn’t fix the orthodox that has developed around trans people. What bothers me is that I am not being serious when I say this. I’m just pointing out the obvious — as one would-be reader of my novel (who promptly ghosted me) said, “The demographics aren’t on my side.” I’m not picking on trans people by my observation, just being realistic. And, I think, the bigger issue is that I even bring up this fact of life — even if it’s meant in jest.
My Comments on “Liberal White Women” Another running gag on this blog is the idea that my novel will offend “liberal white women” and, as such, I’m screwed. I honestly don’t know one way or another what this mythical demographic will think. I just occasionally find myself full of angst over the part-time sex worker nature of my heroine and as part of that angst, I mention liberal white women. Just like with my comments on trans people, it’s more a testament to my sense of humor than it is me picking on the group. But we live in a humorless age without any sense of nuance, so I guess I have only myself to blame.
My Political Ranting My politics generally fit within the center-Left “media narrative,” but I guess it’s possible that some of my edgier hot takes might alarm some people. You can never tell these days. People are just to touchy about any and everything that it could be that some people doing due diligence on me would think my political rantings are just yet another sign of what a fucking crank I am.
My Angst Over The “Woke Cancel Culture Mob” If someone gets upset over this, then, I dunno what to say. My ranting about what I fear the “woke cancel culture mob” MIGHT think about my novel is just me being my usual angst-ridden self. And, I can see how if you were a “liberal white woman” with a clear set of goals for a story that me ranting about how much I fucking hate the Bechdel Test might be a serious turn off to the point you wouldn’t want anything to do with me.
The Part-Time Sex Worker Angle Of My Novel This is a tough one. I find myself vacillating wildly between being overcome with self-doubt about this element of my heroine and thinking it’s pretty cool. It’s an interesting way to have built-in conflict for my heroine and helps with character development. And, yet, by definition, doing such a thing at all as a smelly middle-aged CIS white male is loaded and provocative to the tender sensibilities of some “liberal white women” who might be, in general, members of the mythical “woke cancel culture mob.” (wink.) I will note that I was doing some some editing today and re-reading the novel gave me renewed hope that maybe I’ve stumbled across a really interesting story.
Miscellaneous Kookiness On My Part This is difficult because it’s not something I can pin down. There’s a chance that someone with, like, a career and reputation could read this blog and just blanch. They just wouldn’t like the vibe I give off. Add to this how much I retweet pictures of hot chicks on Twitter and…oh boy…I could totally see some “normal” person being turned off by…ME.
I find myself really struggling with the fact that my nightmare of someone not being willing to work with me after doing due diligence on me has come true and its implications.
I keep wondering if I’ve made a huge mistake by having my heroine be a part-time sex worker. Talk about self-doubt! And, yet, the key thing for me is the story is coherent and cogent. There is a logic to why I’ve decided to do this. I feel as though it makes the story really different and unique — just like me — and I feel as though fuck it, it’s the story I want to tell.
But I have to accept that between the inclinations of liberal white women — wink — and the “woke cancel culture mob” I’m not doing myself any favors by doing such a thing. It’s a risky thing to do, especially as an aspiring first-time novelist.
Mood.
And I only add to this problematic situation by using more than one POV and writing from a female POV at times.
But I have my vision for this novel and I am too stubborn to do anything about it.
I am, however, going to really begin work on my backup scifi novel. I’m proud of the main novel I’m writing — risks and all — but I’m smart enough to know maybe it’s time to accept how difficult pitching such a “racy” novel may be. I’m going to start working on the characters for the backup scifi novel ASAP.
Despite being an extrovert, I general lead a pretty isolated life. So I go about my business without a lot of interaction with people to give me some sense of how others perceive me. So, when my nightmare of someone deciding not to work with me on my novel after they did due diligence actually happened…it really rattled my cage.
I keep wondering if this is a sign that I should just give up. But the moment I think that, I am reminded that the problem probably isn’t the novel I’m working…but ME. The (young?) woman who did due diligence on me while considering being my editor probably didn’t like my musings about liberal white women or my ranting about this or that thing.
While, yes, obviously the fact that my heroine is a part-time sex worker probably made her blanch, the key issue is she thought I was a freaky weirdo. So, in a sense, there’s not much I can do — I’m going to have this particular problem no matter what type of novel I write.
So, in a sense this is kind of freeing. As long as I know the obstacles I face in my quest to get traditionally published then I can proceed as I was before. But I have to realize that, in a sense, I am creating just for the sake of creating. There’s pretty good chance that because of ME, I will never be published — ever.
Of course, despite this, I will have the personal satisfaction of having written a novel that *I* know is good, even if me being a kook prevents anyone with, like a career and shit, from ever giving me a chance. It helps that I have a huge chip on my shoulder about my writing ability and I want to prove the haters wrong.
Having said all that, I am determined to use some of my time on a backup scifi novel. Something that isn’t as “racy” as the main novel and fits the conventions of the modern novel better. It’s going to be difficult to do because, lulz, the main novel has completely consumed my life.
Maybe once I shuffle off this mortal coil, people will judge my work on its merits and not on what a kook I am on a personal basis. I can just see me having a completed novel or two done it’s only after I’m dead that they get published.
My only consolation is that all of this is existential. I want to prove a point — that I can write a novel that someone, somewhere likes enough that they read the entire thing. I’m well aware of how delusional I am about all of this.
It’s clear to me now that once I leave my bubble of delusion and try to query this novel I’m come up with that I’m probably going to fail in a stunning, catastrophic manner for a number of reasons. Everything from me, personally, being a kook to how I’ve on occasion teased liberal white women in this blog could be my downfall.
Add to all of this the fact that my novel involves a heroine who is a part-time stripper during the course of the story and…oh boy.
But, fuck it, every problem is just an opportunity in disguise. As long as I understand what I’m getting myself into, let’s rock ‘n roll. Even if I deleted this blog, the Internet is forever and it’s inevitable that the very things I’m concerned about people reading would be the very thing that everyone would jump on me for down the road.
So, lulz, all I can do is manage my expectations — and actually spend some time on my backup scifi novel.
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