Of Celebrity Crushes And Online Discourse

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

Over the course of the last few years, I’ve learned something unsettling — celebrities or there “people” monitor what people have to say about them online a lot more than you might ever imagine. I know this because a few years ago when I had way too much time on my hands I had a little bit of an obsessive celebrity crush on Alexa Chung.

Now, let me say from the beginning that I was never hostile or threatening in my celebrity crush, but I was obsessive. Even then, however, it soon became obvious that at least someone, somewhere, was aware of my interest in Ms. Chung, even though it was being done in an obscure corner of the Internet where, like, maybe 20 people were seeing it during the course of any particular day.

But I learned my lesson. I honestly don’t care anymore. What happened with Ms. Chung a few years ago was just a quirky little phase in my life that has long passed. But it was unnerving, to say the least. It was unnerving because it took some of the fun out of the Internet.

I thought because of “practical obscurity” I could just talk about how much like Ms. Chung obsessively and no one would care or notice. But checking my visitor logs on my Website indicated that someone, somewhere did care and they weren’t very happy about the situation.

Anyway, I was and am harmless and I only write about this at all now because whenever an attractive celebrity catches my eye, I realize it’s for the best if I don’t even mention her, anywhere, online. It’s just best to keep any interest to myself because inevitably any interest would be taken the wrong way by someone, somewhere.

Maybe I’ve grown up. Maybe that’s what’s happened. I don’t think about things in the same way as I used to. I am much more mellow about celebrities. I’d much rather write about trying to write a novel or a screenplay than any sort of celebrity.

The Struggle Is Real: Working On A #Screenplay

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

I’m afraid I’m well on my way to becoming a cliche.

Because of circumstance, I’m soon going to become one of those guys you see in coffee shops and libraries hard at work on their screenplay. It’s kind of pathetic in its own way. But the issue is, I’ve finally come across a story concept that is strong enough that I really want to invest the time and energy into needed to flesh out.

The only problem with the concept is it’s very obviously a screenplay, not a novel. I have struggled for some time, trying to make it a novel, but it just doesn’t work. The story is a direct homage to the Big Chill and as such it takes place over a weekend.

The big difference is there’s a lot more drama in this concept than The Big Chill. A whole lot more. That’s what makes it great from a writing standpoint. There’s more than enough to keep me entertained. That’s been a big problem for some time with previous attempts to write either a novel or a screenplay — I just couldn’t keep myself entertained as the writer to finish the story.

They say you’re supposed to have a surprise on each page of a story and I think the one I’m working on now comes pretty close to that. I need to shut up and write. I need to stop writing and writing and just do the actual writing. But it’s kind of tough. I have to psych myself up to do it.

But my life is about to undergo a major change almost immediately, so maybe I’ll be more productive. Maybe. I hope. I really want to finish at least one screenplay before I die. I am going to write the screenplay as a novella first then go from there.

That’s the plan, at least.

‘NO MORE DACA DEAL’ — #Lyrics To A Punk Song

Trump’s rantings about “no more DACA deal” sounds like a punk song to me. So, you get this. This is just for fun. It’s relaxing.

NO MORE DACA DEAL
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

no more DACA deal
no more DACA deal
no more DACA deal

we’re going to build a wall
a big beautiful wall
because we have the gall
to think the brown guy is after our jobs
we don’t care that ladders matter
that planes exist
we just shake our fists and hiss
MAGA is for the stupid and ignorant
that’s why we scream

no more DACA deal
no more DACA deal
no more DACA deal

when the revolution comes
we’ll be on top
we’re going to burn Washington
to the ground, to the ground
keep the black and brown guy down
’cause we’re ignorant as they come
as ignorant as anything under the sun

[bridge]
watch us as we scream and shout
about the things FOX News tell us to think outloud
we’re just rubes and fools
who couldn’t finish school

but our dear leader is in control
we’re going to see how things roll
when he tweets out

no more DACA deal
no more DACA deal
no more DACA deal

‘Do Not Congratulate’ #Lyrics To An Old School Hip-Hop Song

I like the song Bust A Move because it tells a story — or, actually, several stories. So, while I’m listening to that song as I write these lyrics, I’m not trying to re-write that song, but these lyrics are influenced by its beat. If I could find someone to help me co-write this and produce this song that would be pretty cool. But I have very low expectations about such things. I’m just doing this because it’s relaxing.

Do Not Congratulate
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

let me break it down for you

I got elected on a fluke with some Russian help
my staff is a gas full of hotties with no class
I direct my staff to bend to my will now
I’m president and I’m ready to party
on a call with Putin they tell me in big bold letters

do not congratulate
do not congratulate
do not congratulate

I ignore them of course and do just that
I’m the president and I can say what I like
even can tell Mueller to take a hike
and when I do, don’t you know
my staff will write something down
in big bold letters that I’ll ignore

do not congratulate
do not congratulate
do not congratulate

[bridge]
we all have heads on our shoulders
we know the facts of the matter
the Russians help me win the presidency
before this is over I’m going to have to flee

I’m ready to take that flight to the next level
they’re going to call me king or a devil
before this is all over with
if I’m on the level
everyone around me will say with glee

do not congratulate
do not congratulate
do not congratulate

‘(Not Going) Anywhere’ — #Lyrics To A Woke Pop-Rock Song

I really don’t have a beat to this one, but if I had to pick, it would be something like “Coming Of Age” by Damn Yankees that features the guitar stylings of one Ted Nugent. I just enjoy writing song lyrics and I’m trying to psych myself up to work on my novel or screenplay.

(Not Going) Anywhere
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

all Ted does is attack attack attack then
survivors of death and destruction
why is it so difficult for us not to understand
we’re not each other’s enemies but possible friends
Ted says they have no souls
but after what they’ve been through
I would suggest they have

old souls
not going anywhere
old souls
not going anywhere
old souls
not going anywhere!

they march on the capitol
going to change the world
what’s Ted done
but shit himself because he was afraid
we’re all waiting for you to make sense
why do you think you got it all Ted
to break through the wall
you have the gall to say they’ve got no soul
when we all know they’re

old souls
not going anywhere
old souls
not going anywhere
old souls
not going anywhere!

[bridge]
we all believe
that you’re a fool Ted
but we’re stuck with you
because the president’s a dick
who we wish would just leave

wish us luck
never again will our young people
have to duck and cover
when is this going to change
when will they have to stop being afraid
but we’re in luck
they’re

old souls
not going anywhere
old souls
not going anywhere
old souls
not going anywhere!

Why Trump Was Inevitable

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

Let me state from the beginning that I don’t have all the political, psychological, sociological and even historical insight that I need to properly tell all of this, but I am a more than casual observer of American presidential political history and so I’m going to give it a go.

Having said that, it is clear to me that Trump — or someone like Trump — was inevitable at this moment in our nation’s history. It is obvious to me that what caused Trump was that while we were all enjoying Obama’s pleasant, scandal-free administration the Right was going completely insane. Tribal politics and its associated hatred of Obama for being the nation’s first black president made it so it was inevitable that we were going to have a completely bonkers Republican president at some point.

Add to this the headwinds of historic weakness of Hillary Clinton as a candidate and the election meddling of the Russians really the only way Trump would not have won was if he hadn’t run in the first place. But, really, if you looked at who was likely to get through the primary system at the time, it is highly unlikely that Jeb Bush was going to be the nominee. He was completely detached from the national Republican Party and everyone else who might have won was in some ways worse than Trump because no only were they insanely conservative, they were competent and had an ideology they were willing to defend to boot.

But Trump has his own unique set of bonkers qualities than make him extremely dangerous to the Republic. While he may be too lazy, unfocused and incompetent to be a true authoritarian, his complete lack of adherence to political norms may cause lasting damage to the American political landscape.

So, the issue is, there were and are structural problems with the Republican Party that the average person simply was unaware of unless they happened to catch FOX News one night. When about half the political electorate lives in an insane bubble of surreal conspiracy theories and race-induced rage, it’s inevitable that once they get their opportunity to run the country we’re in for a whole lot of trouble.

The truly tragic thing about all of this is there is no easy fix. The tectonic political, economic and demographic forces that led to the creation of the cancer that is the modern Republican Party aren’t going anywhere. It could be 20 to 30 years before things work themselves out and by the time they do the Republican Party will have turn our once independent judiciary into a bastion of Right wing nutjob hacks whose entire reason for being on the bench is to give old, wealthy white people as much power as possible.

What’s more, there’s a real chance of a civil war. There’s a real risk that we’ve gone beyond the point of no return and we’re going to have an actual civil war in the United States within the next 20 years. I have no idea if it will actually happen or not, but it’s something to worry about.

It will definitely be interesting to see what happens.

‘Barren’ — #Lyrics To A Woke Pop-Rock Song

Just being silly. Someone on Twitter wrote what I felt sounded like decent lyrics, so you get this.

Barren
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

Stormy just does not give a single fuck
her field of fucks is barren and the earth has been salted
she has spanked a president
what more can you expect from her
she’s ready to take him down
if we’re lucky she will I believe

her field of fuck is barren
and the earth has been salted

she’s Stormy Daniels
she’s Stormy Daniels
she’s Stormy Daniels

we’re all going to have to wait and see
what happens with her case against the president
we may see the leader of the free world
gone like so much dust
if Stormy gets her way

her field of fuck is barren
and the earth has been salted

she’s Stormy Daniels
she’s Stormy Daniels
she’s Stormy Daniels

[bridge]
we’re waiting for the end
waiting for the end of this nightmare
what happens next
is anyone’s guess
our fate is in Stormy Daniel’s hands

life was once so simple
but now it’s changed
we have a porn star as a folk here
what once made us blush
is now just a part of life
I guess

Gawker, An Appreciation, Redux

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

It’s times like these when I wish Gawker still existed. Gawker was felled, as you may recall, by its sheer hubris. It did not take very seriously a lawsuit funded by Peter Thiel. As the lawsuit progressed, Nick Denton, Gawker’s founder and publisher, couldn’t or wouldn’t realize struck at the very heart of his publication.

But the issue for me is that Gawker is sorely needed right now in this era of Trumplandia. I have romanticized Gawker’s golden age a great deal, but I still would like to think that if golden age Gawker would alive in this surreal age that we live in that the pee-pee tape would probably be on FOX News by this point.

The old Gawker really had a lot of spunk. You got the sense that you were hanging out with a really smart old friend who had seen all, done all and always had a smartass answer to the even the most jaded of events.

And, yet, over the years Gawker lost its way. It didn’t seem to have the spunk that it had when it first came out. It became less a really cool friend with something to say and more of an angry person drunk of success and arrogance.

The only thing is, Gawker was a one-stop-shop for the kind of content I was interesting reading. I can honestly say that since Gawker’s untimely demise, I don’t read any Websites except for Twitter and Facebook. What’s worse, it’s unlikely that any site will take Gawker’s place. The age of blogs is long dead and it’s highly unlikely you could start a new Gawker-like blog. The web universe is simply too large now and the money isn’t there anymore.

So, we’re just going to have to deal with the toxic waste of Twitter I guess. But for those of us who remember Gawker, we will have fond memories if nothing else.

‘You Remind Me Of My Daughter’ — #Lyrics To A Woke Dance Pop Song

Now, I know that typically songs like this start with beats then go from there, but I enjoy telling stories in verse so you get this. It’s just for fun. It’s relaxing.

You Remind Me of My Daughter
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

you remind me of my daughter
you remind me of my daughter
you remind me of my daughter

you’re my kind of girl
I’ll never lie to you
lure you to my bedroom
we can watch shark week
you’ll be on my show
I’ll make you a star
after we go far, far, far

you remind me of my daughter
you remind me of my daughter
you remind me of my daughter

no know has to know
that you’re going to the show
because of what we do between the sheets
you can spank me all you like
I’ll be your little boy with a hiss
when people ask what we have together
I’ll just say with a smile

you remind me of my daughter
you remind me of my daughter
you remind me of my daughter

[bridge]
no one will understand
why you make me so glad
all the other girls will be envious
because they know I like it rough

you remind me of my daughter
you remind me of my daughter
you remind me of my daughter

‘Collusion Delusion’ — #Lyrics To A Woke Pop-Rock Song

The Russian bots are out in force today, trying to give our insane American Caligula some messaging via Twitter. I have nothing better to do at this point in the morning, so here is a first draft of an attempt to talk about this in verse. I just like writing song lyrics for no other reason than it’s relaxing.

Collusion Delusion
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

the Russian bots are out in force
they want the president to be a fool
in it to win it
they’re out to break our liberty
what are we going to do when they win
we have to be sure they fail
it’s our lot to shake free
they scream collusion delusion
when we know it’s they who’s crazy

collusion delusion
collusion delusion
collusion delusion
it’s bullshit

when will this all end
how are we going to fair
when our democracy is declared at an end
we have to fight the good fight, my friend
lend me your ears
hear as I shout
dare to dream a future of freedom
when the Russians are gone
and we can sing our own song

don’t listen to them when they say
collusion delusion
collusion delusion
collusion delusion
it’s all a sham
is what I say

[bridge]
what are we going to do
what are we going to say
when the Russians arrive on our shores
ready to go once more

so ignore what they say
we’re going to have our day
at least, that’s what I say
there’s no collusion delusion
I scream
hoping someone will hear in the void

collusion delusion
is bullshit
collusion delusion
what a farce