Things Are Pretty Boring

By Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

I’m going to have to move on with my life. It’s pretty obvious that barring something dramatic and unexpected pretty soon, that we’ll never get a proper public explanation of what resides in the Big Black Void. That’s fine. If Broidy is the babydaddy I will be content. At least, I have to keep telling myself that.

I have to go to work this afternoon and so I’m going to be off the grid for a few hours. I’ve been so disappointed over the last few years that I’m pretty copacetic about all of this now. Really, as I have mentioned before, it’s not so much proving that it’s Trump who’s the babydaddy as it is giving me a datapoint that proves Bechard and Broidy were lovers or at least romantically attached. But I’m a nobody without any resources that would be expecting way too much.

And the argument could be made that what’s going on is Keith Davidson really is the go-to guy for women looking for representation in an NDA and the Trump connection is more about Davidson knowing Cohen than it is Bechard knowing Trump. That doesn’t properly explain the complete silence from people who are not prevented by the NDA from throwing up their hands and saying, “Look, you shithead, here’s proof!”

So, that’s all that’s going on right now. I guess this is the end. I’m going to probably keep writing about this off an on for a few more days for no other reason than residual cognitive dissidence. But I think tomorrow I’m going to starting thinking serious again about the novel I want to write and I’m definitely going to start actively looking for a new job. I have to. I absolutely have to.

#FOTUS: The Big Black Void — Information Just Wants To Be Free

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

From my Web stats I definitely get the sense that there’s no momentum on any investigation of the notion that it’s not Elliot Broidy but Donald J. Trump who got Shera Bechard pregnant. So, that leads me to believe that the people with the resources to know the truth know it’s Broidy and I should just shut up.

Having said that, I find myself wanting that evidence of a Broidy-Bechard affair to be a bit more democratized. If they really did date for about two years it’s difficult for me to believe that even if you say an enormous swath of information is protected under the NDA that someone, somewhere wouldn’t be provoked enough by my conspicuous speculation — not to mention that of New York Magazine — that they would call bullshit on us.

So, Shera Bechard a gorgeous, young quasi-public figure who bounced around the Playboy community would have been able to keep a two year affair with Elliot Broidy secret. I’m willing to accept that and it’s not so much that I want proof, I just want common people like me to have a reason to believe it’s so beyond a “trust me.” Maybe it’s just my temperament to not have blind faith in anything, even the citadels of otherwise respected power. That’s a hallmark of my personality to date — not to give absolute credence to power if there is evidence that they may have cause to mislead me.

Or maybe I just want a second opinion.

We now approach the Big Black Void. We now leave the horizon of the know and venture off into the unknown. For me, a lot of this hinges on why Broidy, of all people, would have been picked as a fall guy. If you speculate that he wasn’t just a rano relative to TrumpCohen then he makes perfect sense. Even better if Broidy had some connection to Bechard already. Your plausible deniability ratio goes up significantly because a source could say, yes, Broidy did date Bechard and simply leave out that she was dating Trump as well.

Or if you really wanted to get all tinfoil hat about it, maybe there’s more bullshit to this cover story than we imagine. What if Trump wasn’t actively banging Bechard as nearly as much as we might suspect. She waited a long time before she got the abortion — she was “curvy” — so maybe she didn’t really have all that much connection to the babydaddy. Maybe it took her so long to tell the babydaddy because he was too busy running — or ruining — the free world. She only contacted him when it was make-or-break with the baby. If you REALLY wanted to get conspiratorial, she was far enough long that she risked having a late-term abortion if she didn’t make a decision on the fate of the baby it would be too late. But that’s really pushing it. That’s just bonkers.

We haven’t even touched on the Stupid Watergate quality of this. That TrumpCohen would be so brazen — or indifferent, or panicked — that they would grab Keith Davidson to represent Bechard is pretty shocking. But maybe I’m misinterpreting facts. Bechard was pregnant in Beverly Hills and throw a random, luck of the draw referral she ended up with Keith Davidson. I have to just give up and accept that I guess. That’s what I’m being told to believe, so it has to right, right?

But I have to accept that I’ll never know the way I want to know. There’s no momentum and that’s that. I have other things I need to do with my life and I’m satisfied to the extent I’m ever going to be satisfied I think. I’m a nobody. A ranting, drunk, failed reporter who’s been all but excommunicated from the Richmond news business because I’m bonkers.

I’m not saying I’m going to stop talking about this for no other reason than I have nothing better to talk about for the time being. But like I said, I have closure.

Shelton Bumgarner is a writer and photographer living in Richmond, Va. He may be reached at migukin (at) gmail (dot) com.

#FOTUS: Slow Burn

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

I have come up with a lot of dumb ideas over the last six years since I came back from South Korea the last time. So many that the #FOTUS Theory has, to date, followed the same script. I come up with a crazy idea, obsess over it for about a week until finally either someone yells at me for being wrong or I get bored and move on.

I’ve not reached the point where I’m prepared to say this time it’s different because of basic confirmation basis and how much being right has the potential to change my life on a pretty basic level. I’ve really put myself out there beyond what in the moment any person would rightfully feel you could go and if it was proved by a reputable news organization that I had been prescient then, well, there you go.

But if this is just another dumb idea there are at least a few pings from the big black void that are enough for me to take notice. If the dragon of #FOTUS being true is sleeping out there in the big black void, I’m at least hearing an echo of it snoring on its nest of gold.

Wow, what an extended metaphor.

I used to have cognitive dissidence about the #FOTUS theory. Now I have closure. I know nothing I do is going to finally answer the question in any official way. The theory that Peter K. Stris knows it’s Broidy and his legal and media strategy is to lay low until this blows over makes total sense. It’s viable logically to such an extent that I’m prepared to stop talking about the entirely — at least publicly — and start looking for a job and go back to being an anonymous failed drunk ranting reporter.

And yet.

I feel as though my subconscious mind has decided that having accessed the information that it feels the only logical explanation is that Trump is the babydaddy and everything else is result of not properly putting the pieces together or active disinformation from people who at least in the short-term have every reason to make me believe this is an open and shut case.

During the course of a day I bounce back and forth on it being Broidy or Trump about 100 times. If it is Trump, Trump and Cohen were either stupid, brazen or panicked at the time they thought up this cover story. I would even go so far as to say Bechard and Broidy knew each other enough that when TrumpCohen was looking around for fall guys he was prefect. I mean, if Broidy is the fall guy, why him of all people? Why pick Broidy unless from their point of view there was a logic to it.

But again, for the time being it’s Broidy. My heart screams that its Trump, but for now, I have closure. It’s Broidy and I just need to move on with my life. I need to accept that it was Broidy and that nothing I do is going to determined the solution of this mystery one way or another.

No One Listens To Me Anyway

Well, they don’t.

It’s Always Sunny In New York City

Occam’s razor (or Ockham’s razor) is a principle from philosophy. Suppose there exist two explanations for an occurrence. In this case the simpler one is usually better. Another way of saying it is that the more assumptions you have to make, the more unlikely an explanation is.

By Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

Assumption: Shera Bechard was randomly, casually referred by a friend a NDA lawyer who was EXTREMELY close to Donald J. Trump’s personal fixer Michael Cohen. Like, those two are tight, tight, tight. How many NDA lawyers are their in Beverly Hills for Shera Bechard’s friends to choose from? I imagine at least 20. Beverly Hills is ground zero for starlets, bunnies and high class call girls who happened to be struck by a stray sperm. There must be more than one person — Keith Davidson — who handles all those cases. There’s gotta be.

Assumption: Elliot Broidy’s wife is EXTREMELY understanding.

Assumption: Broidy would just randomly be given direct access to the White House the day after the first check to Bechard cleared.

But it was Broidy. I’m misinterpreting things, or I’m a ranting drunk who needs AA. Luckily, no one listens to me and I can have my eyes bug out in obscurity at all of this.

Occam’s Razor

By Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

I officially believe Elliot Broidy is Shera Bechard’s babydaddy. The reason why we have no proof of their relationship is because of the NDA and they simply know the truth — it was Broidy — and they have no reason to give any proof because of that.

Continue reading “Occam’s Razor”

Idle Mulling of John Lennon & Trump

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

I sometimes find myself thinking about how John Lennon would have reacted to Donald Trump. Would he have been on the front lines of The Resistance, or more darkly, would he have been a supporter for no other reason than he would be in his 70s now and maybe his more irascible qualities would have finally taken over his personality.

Despite all of his 1970s “househusband” views, John Lennon was something of a dick.

If you wanted to get really sadistic, you could even say Lennon might have gone into British politics himself, but not as his “give peace a chance” self, but a more populist “power to the people” version. It would not take too much for one to believe the Lennon of 2018 would be a British version of Trump who wanted to give power to the people by ending the tyranny of the European Union.

And, in passing, one might note that rumor has it that Lennon was a secret Reagan supporter right before his death in 1980. Any belief that he would be a big old Leftist hippie in his 70s assumes he would still be with Yoko and would not have grown more conservative along with the rest of the Baby Boomers.

Of all The Beatles to turn his back on his youthful ideals, John Lennon seems to be it. He was the most political of The Beatles and as an iconoclast he could very well have surprised us all by turning into the UK’s very own Trump. And, unfortunately for the UK, they don’t have a written Constitution, so if you really wanted to dark, PM John Lennon could have become something of a populist tyrant.

But we’ll never know. Lennon’s legacy is safely escond in his martyrdom.

‘Old Europe’ — #Lyrics To A Pop Song

This song is about how Barbara Palvin was discovered in Budapest. I only write this because I’ve figured out a hook. Again, she just inspires me. She’s gorgeous and she deserves a song or two written about her, or at least the lyrics to them.

Old Europe
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

on the streets of Budapest
a beauty was discovered
her eyes blue shone like crystals
forged deep in the earth
only to burst forth with great force
she’s a new beauty from

old Europe
a stunner to the eye
brings men to their knees
seeking to please
hoping for a smile

old Europe
old Europe
we’re all a bit more alive
because of the beauty of
old Europe

whisked away to Asia
she grew up with style
divine as can be
what’s a man to do
but admire her from afar
think of as a star

old Europe
old Europe
we’re all a bit more alive
because of the beauty of
old Europe

[bridge]
she’s out of your grasp
never to arrive
she’s a part of the stars in the sky

when all our fears flee
it’ll be time for her to leave
missing your wish
that she might stay a bit

‘Cock An Eye’ — #Lyrics To A Pop Song

This just a pop song.

Cock An Eye
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

see you walk on by
and I sigh
stray thoughts pass through my head
don’t know what to say
much to my dismay
all I gotta say is you
make me

cock an eye
looking at you
cock an eye
think I might die
cock an eye

don’t know what happens next
won’t get any rest till I feel your breath
a touch of lust I confess
resides in my heart
but for right now
you just make me

cock an eye
looking at you
cock an eye
think I might die
cock an eye

[bridge]
nothing will happen
it’s obvious to me
but I can dream
that’s allowed
as far as I know

but when all is said and done
you’ll be on the run
by my side I believe
’cause I started it all
by having the gall to

cock an eye
looking at you
cock an eye
think I might die
cock an eye

‘Own It’ — #Lyrics To An R&B Pop Song About Barbara Palvin

Now, please take this into consideration — I just find Ms. Palvin uniquely gorgeous and of the moment. That’s it. And I’m bored. The title comes from a interview of her wearing a shirt with “Own It” on it. I feel like the director character at the beginning of Madonna’s Material Girl video. Ms. Palvin is a real stunner and I just feel like writing song lyrics and she happens to be on my mind at the moment. That’s it. Leave me alone. This would be a slow pop R&B song like Miguel’s “Coffee.”

Own It
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

she’s spins heads wherever she goes
boys gawk and stare
looking at her only on a dare
lovely as can be
her blue eyes sparkle in the sunlight
she’s of the moment
’cause she knows to

own it
own it
don’t blow it
own it
own it

when she walks the catwalk
the cameras squawk
people talk with every spin
they have thoughts of sin
but they can’t do anything
she’s out of their league
’cause she knows to

own it
own it
don’t blow it
own it
own it

[bridge]
what more can you ask for
we’re ready to see
what comes next
with her in our view
her leaving makes us blue

nothing more to say
but she’ll always have her way
leave you with regret
’cause she makes a bet to

own it
own it
don’t blow it
own it
own it