Month: February 2019

Some Wholly Unsolicited Advice For AOC

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

I hate to break it to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, but she’s hurtling towards a unique position in modern American political history which lies at the confluence of politics, celebrity and, alas, gender politics.

And, as such, I feel like — for no other reason than no one reads this blog — make a few gentle suggestions about what she should do next.

First, I think she needs to accept that her old life is over. She’s no longer simply a House Representative, she’s a cultural figure. She now lives under the rules of a modern celebrity, not that of a lowly freshmen in Congress. The tipping point is rushing towards us where some pretty basic issues about her private life are going to come into focus.

Chief among them being, her romantic status. Apparently she has a long-term boyfriend, which would account for the lack of sizzling bikini pictures being leaked of her. If she had a string of boyfriends in her romantic wake, one of the would have been a big enough dick to release a sexxxy snap or two of her by this point.

But, thankfully, that hasn’t happened yet and maybe never will.

As an aside, it’s amusing that when she wore white for the State of the Union address for political reasons, the white pretty much made it clear she’s a stunning woman. She usually wears dark colors in an effort to hide how drop dead gorgeous she is. The white, however, especially at such a public event, may be looked back upon as one of several tipping points in her career.

And, yet, the issue of how hot she is remains and she’s going to have to simply do some triage on that front rather than ignore it altogether. There’s going to come a point where people are going to want to know her boyfriend’s name, when — and if — they’re getting married and if they plan to have children. (And how many!)

If I were her, I would get way ahead of this issue by getting her PR people to setup a value-free, vacuous profile of her and her boyfriend for, say People Magazine. A huge amount of pressure would be eased once a lot of people on both sides of the political spectrum knew off the top of their head who she was involved with.

As it stands, a lot of horny old Boomer Men are watching FOX News to learn about her because in a very Jungian (Freudian?) way, they are lusting after her because they believe she may be sexually available.

But it’s established she’s dating someone and has been for some time, that will dodge a huge issue for her down the road. Her physical attractiveness is something that is, to date, unprecedented in American politics because she’s of an age where a lot of MAGA Masters of The Universe in NYC could honestly imagine they could play a Mr. Big role in her life, given the opportunity.

As I said, no one reads this blog and I feel reasonably comfortable I can give this advice and no one will listen to me. I mean, they don’t listen to me about anything else, do they?

The Problems Associated With Trying To Tell ‘Universal Truths’ About The Trumplandia Era

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

A number of reasons exist why probably we’re in the development stage of a lot of novels and movies about the Trump Era. Remember, not only does it take time to develop a movie or a novel, it also takes time for “creative types” to figure out how they want to tell the universal truth of a particular moment in time.

As such, the definitive movie of the late 1970s — Apocalypse Now — was really a film about the late 60s, early 70s. Not only did we have to actually end our involvement in Vietnam for that movie to be developed and made, but it took time to develop the movie as well.

This is very much the case with Trump. Trump is both about to be removed from office AND about to be re-elected and serve out his term. Both, at this point, are equally true. So, as such, if you’re an established writer in Hollywood or a similarly established novelist out in novel land, you probably are in something of a wait-and-see mode.

It’s dipshits like me with nothing to lose who are willing to strike out, not knowing where they’ll land once the journey of writing their novel is done. I mean, my novel could be one of a slew of similar stories that come out at about the same time, or it could just be the best I can produce given my skillset and no one outside of those who know me will even know if its existence.

Regardless, that doesn’t even begin to address how problematic my background is, how conspicuous I’ve been in talking about this “project” online and the fact that blue check liberals on Twitter probably would do a search for my name and think I’m some sort of crank. (Which, I guess, relative to them, I am.)

But as I keep saying, this is more about proving to myself I can seriously write a novel than it is any expectations that I can actually write a “break out hit” novel. This is more about proving to myself that I have it in me to do it.

The important thing for me is this is a character-driven novel. The major problem I’ve had with other attempts at writing a novel is they were all conceit. This has an array of interesting characters doing interesting things in a way that just happens to be constructed in an obvious allegory of the Trump Era.

I refuse to be one of those jerkoffs on Twitter who bager you into writing their self-published novel. I want to at least attempt to publish this through a traditional publishing house and will only self-publish if I fail on that front.

This is a really interesting novel and I think at least a few people outside of my immediate circle will find it enjoyable. Of course, the crux of the matter is I have to, like, write something and finish it.

So, as I’ve said, as of March 1st, 2019, I plan to start writing the first draft of the novel, no matter what. It may be more in the afternoon and evening when I do it, but I do plan on doing it that day. (Which as of this writing is tomorrow.)

I’m really looking forward to this next stage in the journey, however. I am, as I’ve mentioned before, extremely paranoid that someone is going to steal a march on me and make this old “project” moot.

But I think that’s pretty much the typical insecurities and jitters of any first time spec novel writer.

We’ll see.

V-Log: The State Of The #Novel I’m #Writing As Of Feb. 28th

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

Some thoughts.

Entering The 2nd Act Of The First Draft Scene Summary

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

I’m finally in the special world. Now, I have a lot of thinking to do about the exact sequence of events that would happen given the scenario I’ve come up with. It’s a really cool scenario, but I have no idea if it’s too ridiculous for anyone to be willing to read it all the way through or not.

But time will tell, I guess.

It’s definitely a really interesting way to address how fucked up the Trump Era is.

But there’s plenty of time for people with more resources, more talent and better education to do a similar, better job at the same idea. And that doesn’t even begin to address my online history — and being a white male — which will make a lot of the intended see me as just another white male looking to exploit the experiences of people I, by definition, can’t empathize with because they don’t believe such a thing is legitimate in the first place.

Doing it the way I’m doing it — by developing first and then writing — really helps a lot. A whole lot. It gives me a lot of self-confidence going into the actual writing process because I have the scenario so well thought out.

If you don’t have enough confidence in me to let me do it this way, my way, I don’t really want you in my life in the first place.

‘Score’ — #Lyrics To A Country-Pop Song

This definitely has a pop-country vibe to it. Too bad it’s impossible to break into the music business at my age, especially the way I’m doing it.
Oh well.

‘Score’
Lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
Please give credit if you produce or perform

I knew the score with a roar
When I met you at the high school door
You were my type I knew without a doubt
No one caught my eye the way you did

The score of our life flashes across my eyes
You’re always going to score the goal
When you I go for a roll in the hay
It was a score ago but it could have been today

I scored the game putting down
the scores of your fame
No one else to blame
for what happened next
We were necking in the backseat
before you took off your cleats

The score of our life flashes across my eyes
You’re always going to score the goal
When you I go for a roll in the hay
It was a score ago but it could have been today

(bridge)
No need to tell me what happens next
Love and heartbreak go hand in hand
But sometimes things work out
And you have to put your fears down

It was all a score ago I’m afraid
Now I look into your eyes one last time
Cause I know the score for sure
No one tells you how this game will end
But maybe that’s besides the point
When the score is tied

‘Write A Book’ — A Lyrical Homage To Taylor Swift Songs

The thing with this one is while tonally it’s an attempt at a Taylor Swift type song, it’s not properly done structurally. But the conceit is pretty good. I think.

‘Write A Book’
Lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
Please give credit if you produce or preform

Tapping my pen to pad
I see you across the coffee shop
And you smile
I smile back
‘Cause you seem
You seem like my type
That is
Out of sight

But will you walk over
And ask me my name
What would be the shame
You could make history
Or you could just

Write a book
Write a book
Write a book

I get up and walk your way
Hoping you’ll tell me what I wanna hear
What your name
What’s your claim to fame
But I walk on by without a sound
Feeling a little bit let down

But one day maybe it’ll change
Maybe one day my dream will come true
No more nightmares for me
I’ll be in the clear with someone dearl
Someone who wants to kiss
Instead of

Write a book
Write a book
Write a book

(bridge)
The truth is
Why is life so unfair
I have to wait for fate to arrive
Someone who makes me sigh
Waiting by the phone
With a grone

But in the end
All I can think is
I’ll find my name in a book
Knowing that a smile lead someone to

Write a book
Write a book
Write a book

On My Gestating Novel

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

I’m going to start writing the first draft of the thriller I’m developing about March 1st, no matter where I am in development because I feel I can do both development and writing now that I have the universe down pat.

The only thing about the “normal” world that I’ve created is either it’s going to be seen as genius or completely ridiculous. Though, to be fair, it is meant to be a guilty political thriller (of sorts) pleasure for Park Slope moms who would otherwise read The New Yorker. I don’t have a wife or girlfriend to give me any context as to what I’ve thought up, so really I’m writing this because it’s something I, personally, want to read.

I want to read a cathartic novel about the Trump Era that’s breezy and fun and you don’t even realize how deep it is until a few days after you’ve finished reading it. If I achieve my goal, it will, on its surface, be a good enough beach read that there will be a sizable minority of people who might even simply see it as a thriller with an unusual conceit, but that’s doubtful.

The “normal” world of this novel is constructed in such a way that you’d have to be brain dead and living under a rock the last few years not to notice what I’m doing with it. In a sense, I guess I want this to be, for my own reading pleasure, a story in the tradition of Apocalypse Now. As you know, that movie wasn’t so much a movie about people going up the Mekong River as it was an extended metaphor about America’s involvement in Vietnam.

And, as such, that’s pretty much what’s going on with this novel at this point, at least the first draft will be that way. As I grow as a storyteller, I may be able to soften the obvious allegory to such an extent that it won’t be quite as obvious or out of place. But the story has been built from the ground up so that one character — the main character, if you will — is believable and interesting.

The thriller aspect of it is really just an excuse to have this interesting universe be put through its paces. I have some really fun scenes I want to write in my head, but I haven’t gotten to them yet. At this point, I’m barely near the end of the first act.

I’ve given myself 200,000 words to play with and as such I have plenty of words to spare whereby I can slip in my personal political views. Of course, one big problem is, well, me.

I’m a white male.

And, given how identity politics has fucked things up so much, a lot of people who might otherwise be interested in this novel, should I miraculously sell it, will click off the moment they do a Google search for my name and see what I look like.

So, like I said, this story is for me, personally at this point. And, let me be clear — this is no Cat Person. This is strictly a spec novel written by a “failed reporter” who a lot of people dismiss as a Internet crank who posts song lyrics that will never be produced.

And, since I like hot chicks and go to strip clubs on occasion, I have a “problematic” background for some, no matter how empathetic I might want to be for various people who might otherwise be interested in this tale.

But, again, this story is for me. It’s a novel I want to write so I can read it and honestly, if I manage to actually write it and flesh it out in the manner I hope, more than a few people who know me — and have no respect for me — might at least wince at how badly they misjudged me.

Or not.

I do, in fact, have to actually write something.

V-Log: Trump As Political Avatar

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

Some thoughts.

V-Log: My Hot Take On The Fate Of The #MuellerReport

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

I don’t believe we’ll ever see the Mueller Report, and if we do, it will be politically moot by that point. In fact, the way things are going, Trump is going to survive and prosper the next 5 or so years and, what’s worse, he is going to lay the groundwork for an even worst Republican president down the road.

Of course, there are some potential curve balls that I simply can’t account for, the chief among them being No Deal Brexit. If that happens and there is a significant shock to the global economy because of it, then there’s at least a chance Trump’s popularity sink down to the 20% of the population who think the world is flat.

But, in a sense, I think Trump will be looked back upon by many in the Republican Party as something of a bizzaro Ronald Reagan in the sense that his “legacy” will be to shift the political center of the country to the Right in a pretty significant manner.