by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner
Today has been one of the slowest days of the year. Other than me getting a huge amount of work done on the transition from first to second draft of my first novel….pretty much nothing happened.
I visit my father in the nursing home just about every day and seeing all those people who are alive, but not alive, is a constant reminder that quality life is very, very important. So I find myself being grateful for even days like today which are just cold and meh.
I’m reminded also that even if I get what I want with this novel — for it to be a breakout success — I won’t get what I need: to be 24 years old again. I’m just 24 years too old to get the type of success I always dreamed of in the context of how I dream of one day getting it. That one day just never going to come if I want to run around young in New York City with doing all the cool shit I did in Seoul, only on a much bigger playing field.
I find myself thinking about this whenever someone mentions their 20 year career in this or that industry. Or they talk about how they took the red eye from California to New York City. I suppose it’s possible I might have a 20 year writing career ahead of me….but I’m going to be hold as hell and it will be different than, say, if I was starting off at 24 with an eye to plowing my way through the female populations of New York City and LA because of my long-term success.
I sound like such a crybaby.
I need to just be grateful for my health and even the possibility that maybe, just maybe I might sell a novel — period. The novel I’m working on, while intriguing, isn’t nearly as dark (at least that the moment) as needs to be to fit the traditional mystery-thriller genre.
Overall, I need to just cool it. I need to buckle down and work on making this first novel at good as it can possibly be. I guess I hate being almost 50. I a do-over. I want to be able to use all the experiences I have now to do my 20s and 30s (and 40s) the right way.
But that’s just not to be. Age is a far more intangible condition than sex or race, but it’s just as inescapable.
