Talk To Me Internet: Some Thoughts On Hugh Hefner’s Complicated Legacy

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

This one is pretty good. Enjoy

Some Idle Musing On Playboy Upon The Death Of Hugh Hefner

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

While he wasn’t perfect, Hugh Hefner was a personal hero of mine and influenced me in ways large and small. My personal politics are pretty much the editorial page of Playboy in about 1976. Anyway, with his death, Playboy is at a crossroads. I have a little time on my hands and so I’m going idly muse on my personal vision for the great publication that he founded. I have written about most, if not all, of this before but I feel like talking about it again now that Hefner is dead.

If I had any control over Playboy, I would try to bring back its coolness factor from the ’50 and ’60s. I would bring back the old Playboy TV show, maybe in partnership with YouTube or NetFlix and restore the brand to its glory days. I think there is a huge market for that old school cool and if they did a regular show that featured cool people talking about cool stuff and great bands, then people would respond.

Additionally, I would re-imagine the Playboy ideal. As it stands, for decades, the Playboy man has supposed to covet the attention of the “girl next door” who was hot and surprisingly easy given her ostensible persona. I would do something cool like obsess over Ilana Glazer and make her the “mascot” of the publication. She’s not your traditional beauty, but she’s very sex-positive and she would fit perfectly with the modern concept of the type of woman the Playboy man is supposed to lust after.

All of this would be in the context of trying to turn Playboy.com into the second coming of Gawker.com. If Playboy wants to be relevant again, it needs to flip the script, shake things up a little bit — or maybe a lot — and get people talking about it again. And the best way to do that would be to hire a lot of former Gawker writers and get them to rile up the elites with thought provoking commentary. That’s the thing about Playboy right now — it just doesn’t really generate all that much buzz like it used to. It’s a “legacy brand” as they say, and as such it’s more something a middle-aged man like me likes as opposed to the 20 somethings whose attention advertisers long for.

I would also suggest that — in conjunction with Ilana Glazer — the publication go into video in a big way by maybe having Glazer be a roving reporter for them in little shorts. She’s probably really busy right now and it might cost a bit more than expected to get her to do it, but the cost would be worth it. She would bring instant buzz and street cred back to Playboy in a big way. I know I talk a lot about Glazer sometimes, but she’s a personal favorite and I enjoy thinking up new and different ways to exploit her great personality.

Anyway, thanks for the memories, Hef.

‘Antarctica’ — #Lyrics To A Woke #EDM Song

I am well aware that usually the beat comes first when an EDM song is produced, and I’m also well aware that I have no idea what I’m doing and I’m wasting my time. But I do enjoy telling a story in verse and I’m letting off a little bit of creative steam. So, there you go. The beat to this, in my fevered imagination, would be EDM and much like “Titanium,” with the title stretched out in the chorus.

Antarctica
Lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

the heat is oppressive
we have our last refuge from the elements
we didn’t listen
we didn’t heed the chorus of doom
now we’re living at the edge of the earth
waiting for the end

[pre-chorus]
the heat is oppressive
it’s messing with our minds
we’re left alone with our thoughts

[chorus]
we’re living on
Antarctica
our last hope
Antarctica
when we finally learn
Antarctica, Antarctica, Antarctica

now nothing can save us from our doom
things are full of gloom
pow goes the gun of despair
how many bullets do we have to spare

[pre-chorus]
the heat is oppressive
it’s messing with our minds
we’re left alone with our thoughts

[chorus]
we’re living on
Antarctica
our last hope
Antarctica
when we finally learn
Antarctica, Antarctica, Antarctica

[bridge]
we’re all in this together
what will we do when the end arrives
and the skies finally fall

we’re living on
Antarctica
our last hope
Antarctica
when we finally learn
Antarctica, Antarctica, Antarctica

 

 

 

 

‘Regent’ — #Lyrics To A Woke Pop-Rock Song

This is about how Gen. John Kelly may — or may not — be able to control Trump. Again, I just like tell stories in verse and I’m letting off a little bit of steam after writing a lot today on a novel I’m working on.

Regent
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

the world is crumbling
we’re headed to our doom
our fears are all coming true
what to do, dear
what to do, dear
hold your tears
there’s a chance that the general
will be

regent
we can only hope
regent
can we deal
there’s nothing to fear
the regent is here

what is going to happen next
is anyone’s guess
there’s always someone there for the test
we’re going to have to be ready you bet
for when the rain pours down
and there’s nothing left

regent
we can only hope
regent
can we deal
there’s nothing to fear
the regent is here

[bridge]
when will we learn
when our hearts stop their burn
when we crash land onto our fate
at what date we don’t know
hold me close
hold me close

the regent is our only hope
to the madness of the king
we’re on the run
the dogs of war are on the lose
we’re not there yet
not by any stretch

‘280 Characters’ — #Lyrics To A Pop-Rock Song

This is about Twitter’s decision to go to 280 characters instead of 140. Again, I’m just screwing around. I like to tell stories in verse and this is a bit relaxing after working off and on on a novel today. In my imagination, the music to this would be something like “Lift” by Radiohead.

280 Characters
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

Trump vows to destroy our world
using 140 characters at a time
doing it all on Jack’s dime
but now we’re getting more space
for Trump’s threats

280 characters is the new norm
280 characters deserve our scorn
will we use the space right
or just find new ways to shout all night

we’re all going to deal
with this new way to squeal
we’re all characters in our own way
for some this news will make their day

280 characters is the new norm
280 characters deserve our scorn
will we use the space right
or just find new ways to shout all night

let me count the ways
for us to be dismayed
that things have now changed

‘Canal Street’ — #Lyrics To A Pop Rock Song

This is just me screwing around. Just have a concept and a story to tell in verse. I just came back from New York City and was hanging around Canal Street.

Canal Street
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

walking the street
you never know who you’ll meet
sometimes people are lost
ask meekly for the place
where they’re supposed to meet

we’re all from somewhere else
on Canal Street
we’re all looking for our fate
on Canal Street

the Chinese touts know what it’s all about
they’ve got watches without a doubt
ones for sale that never fail
just don’t get them wet
or at least that’s what they say

tourists bump against each other
looking for their ride home
they hope they don’t get lost
before the bus sets off
they don’t want to be left alone

we’re all from somewhere else
on Canal Street
we’re all looking for our fate
on Canal Street

[bridge]
there’s an excitement that can’t be forgotten
the hustle and bustle of the crowd
can leave you a little stressed out

we’re just a number I’m afraid
stars on the street
hoping to make ends meet
we’re all fleet footed
until the sun sets in the distance
of Canal Street

Talk To Me Internet: Writing A Novel, Etc.

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

This one meanders, but in it I go into a lot of detail about the state of the novel I’m writing.

Talk To Me Internet: Some Musing About Writing A Novel Versus A Screenplay

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

The interesting thing about writing a novel as opposed to a screenplay is how much more of a community there is with a screenplay. I have tried — and failed — to write a screenplay in the past and people got really excited. Writing a novel, meanwhile, is a much more solitary venture. You have to think deeply and reflect on the universe you’ve created because you can’t just rely upon your director to show it for you.

Meanwhile, I still think Ilana Glazer would be a great Bond Girl. She’s perfect for such a role. It would put a modern twist on a pretty traditional role. Additionally, I think Twitter should do away with Periscope altogether and put all its features in the main Twitter app.

Why Ilana Glazer Is Perfect For The Bond Franchise

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

I only keep mentioning this because I’m a big fan of both Ilana Glazer and James Bond and it’s fun to daydream about it. I just like the idea of Bond falling for a woman like Ilana Glazer. It would, in my opinion be a real crowd pleaser of a pair up.

One reason I suggestion this is while I really love the James Bond franchise, it’s become so serious, self-important and overwrought of late that it would be fun to stick someone as funny as Ms. Glazer in it and let her run loose within it.

Bond Girls tend to be ethereal and aspirational for the typical male audience member. It would be fun to have Ms. Glazer — who is not a traditional Hollywood beauty — beguile Bond through sheer force of personality. A lot of people would think it was a hoot that Bond fell for someone who looked and acted like Ms. Glazer.

I am well aware that this isn’t going to happen, but it’s just something fun-interesting to daydream about.

‘No Man’s Land’ — #Lyrics To A Woke #EDM-Pop Fusion Song

The music to this would be Sia-like. It would be really dancable and pop, but the lyric would be serious. My goal is a muddle story about both a relationship coming to an end and a war between North Korea and the United States.

No Man’s Land
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

no man’s land is where we live
no man’s land is where we live

do we deserve this plight
living in fright under dirt
the end has come I’m afraid
with a burst of flames
our cities are rubble
all that’s left is stubble

but I want to believe we’ll rise again
get the chance to live in sin as friends
things have gone too far
leaving each of us with scares

no man’s land is where we live
dig in deep
no man’s land is where we live
toxic smoke makes us choke

we had our chance to live together
but it all fell apart
now we each walk alone
we do nothing but moan
love was our last resort
but we let it pass without a glance

when will this pain end
will kindness ever again be our friend
I have no idea
you tell me, you tell me, you tell me

no man’s land is where we live
dig in deep
no man’s land is where we live
toxic smoke makes us choke

[bridge]
we’re all a little crazy
the haze of destruction is all around
maybe we’ll be able survive
by sunrise

what we once had is now gone
but I still believe, believe, believe
we can still come together
and be free

no man’s land is where we live
no man’s land is where we live