A Sample Of My Best Writing

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

I’ve decided to wallow in self-pity for the night to move on to other things and so you get this. Here’s a sample of my writing from Seoul. It’s probably the best stuff I’ve ever written. You won’t get the context, but it’s still interesting. There’s something about Mary

Idle Musing About The Past

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

I’m of the age where I find myself reflecting on the past a lot. In fact, I’ve pretty much been on pause for half a decade, if not longer. I did, in fact, do something interesting about 10 years ago. I, along with a young woman named Annie Shapiro, started a magazine for expats in Seoul called ROKon Magazine.

It’s a long, convoluted and tragic story you can read about at length there — > Somehow

It’s about 30,000 more words than you want to know about me. But I’ve taken the Myers-Briggs test and I’m 100% extroverted, so I would rather anyone interested in me read it and understand my background than not know about it and be shocked.

Annie and I had a weird, difficult relationship and she now, tragically no long with us. I always thought she and I would reconcile, but we never did. It’s all very boring to me now, but if you’re in the media business, if you can get past the narcissistic drunklog nature of it, Somehow is worth a little bit of your time. I did some pretty shitty stuff to Annie in Korea and I regret it. I’m a completely different person now. Totally different. It’s like I got a brain transplant.

Anyway, it was a long time ago and no one cares anymore. I’m just in writing mood and am struggling to figure out what I’m going to write about tonight before I go to bed.

#FOTUS Pink Elephants

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

I’m going to actively not talk about this anymore unless I get some indication, however small, that someone, somewhere thinks it’s Trump who fathered Shera Bechard’s baby. Here are three pink elephants before I shut up.

1. Keith Davidson
I keep coming back to this. Of all the people in LA to pick to represent her, she picked a man who had represented two other women in NDA agreements with Trump.

2. Broidy Getting Access To The White House
Broidy got access to the White House the day after the first installment of the $1.6 million to Bechard.

3. No proof they know each other beyond the NDA.
Now, I’m not saying that Bechard doesn’t know Broidy, I’m just saying there connection is a lot less than one might think.

Anyway, it’s Broidy. It has to be. But the pink elephants above are we thought it was Trump.

Some Idle Chat For Any Reporters Interested In #FOTUS

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

Not that I really believe anyone cares at this point, but if you happen to be a reporter at least curious about the #FOTUS scandal, you might enjoy these. One of them ends rather abruptly, but generally I think you’ll find them insightful.

How The #FOTUS Affair Revel Would Go Down From My Point Of View

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

I am going to give you a tick-tock of how the news that someone, somewhere had broken the nut of the #FOTUS Affair Theory and proved it was real.

One reason why I feel there’s not much going on right now is I haven’t seen an uptick in people accessing this site from LA, Washington D.C. and NYC. But, to let you in on a little weird observation, I have noticed something odd. In the last day, two people who were barely visible in my logs accessed this site. One person was from China and one person was from Russia.

The person from China appeared to use some sort of translation software on the site. I think. Something on their end was unpacked that would give me some indication that may have happened. Meanwhile, the Russian person popped up via a weird search engine then vanished. Now, I’m going to plant my tinfoil hat firmly on my head and speculate that….is it possible there’s some chatter bouncing around email and phones that super secret people monitor and they know something I don’t?

It’s completely baseless and bonkers, but it’s weird.

I don’t know domain names of people accessing the site so if, say, someone in New York City access the site all I know is that that is where they are. They could be a homeless person with WiFi access as best as I can tell. But I would have a pretty good idea something was going down if there was an abrupt uptick in access from any of the major media or political areas of the country. Right now, I got squat. Very few people — barely 20 — look at this site on a daily basis and generally I’m just talking to myself.

But let’s say that abruptly changed. Let’s say there was a rush of people from LA, NYC and DC. I would expect those visits to be Google searches. If people were being interviewed, they probably would freak and search this matter and find my babbling pretty quick.

That, so far, has not happened. So that leads me to believe not much is going on and, in fact, maybe someone from, say Buzzfeed or The Times asked Playboy and they laughed at them over the phone and all of this a joke and I should just shut up.

Let’s go a little farther — after that rush of people from LA (Playboy people) there would an enormous rush of people from D.C. the moment reporters turned around and said, “Well, any comment Mr. President?” If that happened, I would get really excited and run around the neighborhood screaming.

Nothing is happening right now. Nothing. I get no sense anyone cares and this is pretty much a dead end at this point. Though, I will tell you if you want me to keep writing about this get people from LA, NYC and DC to access this site on a regular basis. That would definitely get my juices flowing.

As it stands, I’m struggling to give up on this. It’s Broidy. It has to be. Broidy’s the babydaddy and all this is a joke. The alternative is jaw dropping.

‘Orange’ — #Lyrics To A Woke Rap Song

This is me trying to rant about Donald Trump in a rap song. No one listens to me, I’m just screwing around. This would have a thumping bass beat to it.

Orange
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

nothing rhymes with orange
or so I’m told
nothing rhymes with orange
nothing rhymes with orange

we’re ruled by a fool
an orange hateful orange troll
breaking norms left and right
but there’s one thing he can’t do
despite his hand on the football
and access to the codes

nothing rhymes with orange
or so I’m told
nothing rhymes with orange
nothing rhymes with orange
orange
orange
orange

not even he can rhyme orange
he can rant all he wants about his dick
he’s flawed just like the rest
if you love freedom you’ll have no rest
till his orange ass is on racing out the door
things are tight for poor folks
we have the opportunity to make things right
I loath to say much to my dismay

nothing rhymes with orange
or so I’m told
nothing rhymes with orange
nothing rhymes with orange
orange
orange
orange

[bridge]
just wait and see
orange will flee
like he must
if we all don’t fade into dust

that orange king is going to keep us in control
if we don’t vote him out with the rest of his vichy louts
we can lick them I believe
make the orange jester shut up once and for all
we’re one a roll like a orange peel
before it’s over he’s going to squeal
like the orange piggie he is
I just hope I get to see it sooner rather than later

‘In The Year 2020’ — #Lyrics To A Woke Folk Song

I’m bored and unhappy, so I’m venting with song lyrics that will never be performed.

In The Year 2020
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

in the year 2020
if we survive this shit
we’re all going to be looking for a hit
chomping at the bit at our fate
will the orange find a rhyme
or are we all going to die

in the year 2020
in the year 2020
what will be our fate
will even get to live to see it
our are we doomed

I can’t predict what will be
when 2020 arrives
all I can do is sing of our sin
our lives seem to flee in a click
nothing will be as it was before
if orange doesn’t get retired

but I can’t explain my pain
things could be better then
our maybe we’re all doomed
to an orange sky of lies

in the year 2020
in the year 2020
what will be our fate
will even get to live to see it
our are we doomed

[bridge]
I hope we don’t look back
in the year 2020
with regret that our hidsight
wasn’t what we prayed it would be

so the last question of the moment is
will 2020 be our 30/30 and the end
or will it be the beginning
will the darkness fall
or will everything be orange

in the year 2020
in the year 2020
in the year 2020
in the year 2020

‘Global Warming’ — #Lyrics To A Woke Pop Song

The issue is, it’s almost impossible to call out Trump directly in pop music. So, this is sort of my round about way of attempting to do it. This would have a peppy little beat but with dark lyrics.

Global Warming
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

the earth is getting hot
and you’re as hell not
you lie as much as you can
it appears to be that’s your plan
the oceans are rising
but you don’t give a shit
it’s obvious to me

rumor has it
you’ve got a least one brick in your past
one taken out with the trash
we all know your foundation is weak
never going to be saved as you seek

global warming is going to get us all
global warming is our fate
you’re bring it along with great haste
global warming
global warming
global warming

[bridge]
what’s at stake
is the whole world’s fate
but you don’t give a shit
we’re all going to be done with it

the women you’ve grabbed
know you’re a cold fish
as the earth gets hot
the Blue Wave will wash over you
bring down your lies
ending your disguise

‘Wherever You Go’ — #Lyrics To A Pop Song

It’s odd to me that pop music today is completely devoid of anything that makes it interesting. It’s like it lives in an alternative universe from this dark period in our nation’s history. Anyway, here’s my attempt at something like a song from a lyrical standpoint I really like — “No Tears Left To Cry.”

Wherever You Go
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

things change so much
makes you wonder what’s the rush
but as my mother used to say
you take yourself
you take yourself
wherever you go

you can go from zero to hero
and back again
but no matter where you go
you take yourself don’t you know

sometimes you have to admit
when life is treating you bad
that you’re the source of the problem
to be had
to be had

you take yourself
wherever you go
you take yourself
wherever you go

[bridge]
what can I say
you have to just exclaim
you can be the source of your problems
change will do you good

but I’m not hear to hiss
tell you how to find your own bliss
we’re all alone on this planet
just be wise
find a better style

‘Where’s My Pa?’ — #Lyrics To A Woke Pop-Rock-Rap Song

There was a little jingle that the Republicans taunted Democratic President Grover Cleveland with which went something like “Ma, Ma, Ma where’s may pa? / Gone to the White House, ha ha ha!” So, this song would be like This Is America in structure. It starts of with children singing that little chant in a cute manner then gets really dark really fast.

Where’s My Pa?
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

ma ma ma
where’s my pa
gone to the White House
ha ha ha

ma ma ma
where’s my pa
gone to the White House
ha ha ha

ma ma ma
where’s my pa
gone to the White House
ha ha ha

That’s a lie. You’re dead

where’s my pa
where’s my pa
wallowing in sin
wallowing in sin
lying about your fate kid
we know you’re dead
over a million reasons for your death
POTUS didn’t want you around
now you’re in the ground

where’s my pa
where’s my pa
he’s living in the White House
with the Russians
selling children to the traffickers
’cause they’re lost just like you
lost children follow POTUS like his shadow
now you, too, get to dance and sing

ma ma ma
where’s my pa
gone to the White House
ha ha ha

ma ma ma
where’s my pa
gone to the White House
ha ha ha

ma ma ma
where’s my pa
gone to the White House
ha ha ha

That’s a lie. You’re dead

[bridge]
wish things could be different
but they can’t
POTUS is a piece of shit
indifferent to your death

things are dark in America now
there’s nothing we can do
we can’t bring you back little kid
but we can chase your daddy out of town
yet that’s not going to happen
that makes me frown

get down!

ma ma ma
where’s my pa
gone to the White House
ha ha ha

ma ma ma
where’s my pa
gone to the White House
ha ha ha

ma ma ma
where’s my pa
gone to the White House
ha ha ha