I’ve had this idea for an SNL sketch in my mind for years and finally turned to Gemini Pro 2.5 to write it.
Characters:
- GARY (40s): Dad, increasingly bewildered and desperate.
- LINDA (40s): Mom, blissfully unaware, utterly devoted to the cat.
- CHLOE (16): Teenager, perpetually unimpressed by Gary, adores the cat.
- LEO (10): Youngest child, sees the cat as a furry deity.
- WHISKERS: The cat. Played by a remarkably unimpressed actual cat, or perhaps a very still prop cat that occasionally gets swapped out.
(SCENE START)
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
The family is gathered. LINDA is meticulously brushing WHISKERS, who is sprawled regally on a plush velvet cushion on the coffee table. CHLOE is filming Whiskers with her phone, cooing. LEO is dangling a feathery toy, which Whiskers occasionally bats at with supreme indifference. GARY is on the floor, struggling to assemble a complicated piece of IKEA furniture, a single bead of sweat on his forehead.
LINDA: (To Whiskers, in a baby voice) Oh, does my little fluffnugget love his brushing? Yes, he does! Such a handsome boy, yes you are!
CHLOE: Mom, he’s literally glowing. Like, his aura is pure gold. Gary, can you move your leg? You’re in Whiskers’ optimal lighting.
Gary shuffles awkwardly, nearly toppling the half-built “KALLAX-imus Prime” shelving unit.
GARY: Right. Wouldn’t want to disrupt the… majesty. Just trying to build this… you know… vital storage solution for the family.
LEO: Whiskers doesn’t need shelves, Dad. He has the world.
Leo dramatically sweeps his arm, nearly poking Gary in the eye with the feather toy.
LINDA: (Gasps softly) Oh, Gary, careful! You almost stressed Whiskers. He’s been a bit on edge since you bought that new, aggressively scented air freshener. The lavender-vanilla is not his palette.
GARY: It was on sale! And I thought it smelled nice. I live here too, you know. Theoretically.
Chloe lowers her phone, looking at Gary with disdain.
CHLOE: Dad, Whiskers’ olfactory senses are like, a thousand times more refined than yours. It’s science. He probably smells your existential dread.
GARY: (Muttering) My existential dread is starting to smell a lot like Fancy Feast.
(MONTAGE SEQUENCE – FAST PACED, SNL STYLE)
- DINNER TABLE: Linda places a beautifully arranged plate of salmon with a sprig of parsley in front of Whiskers (who has his own tiny, ornate chair pulled up to the table). Gary gets a slightly burnt casserole.
LINDA: (To Whiskers) A little brain food for my clever boy! (To Gary, handing him his plate) Don’t pick at it, Gary. - BEDTIME: Whiskers is nestled between Linda and a sleeping Gary, taking up three-quarters of the king-sized bed. Gary is teetering on the very edge, one arm dangling. Linda is spooning Whiskers.
- BIRTHDAY PARTY: A banner reads “HAPPY 7TH BIRTHDAY, WHISKERS!” There’s a tiered cake made of tuna, presents wrapped in paw-print paper. Leo is wearing a party hat with cat ears. Chloe is live-streaming. Gary stands awkwardly in the corner holding a single, sad balloon.
LINDA: (Clapping) Make a wish, my sweet prince!
(Whiskers stares blankly. Chloe blows a party horn near his face. He doesn’t flinch.)
CHLOE: He wished for world peace and more organic catnip. What a king.
(END MONTAGE)
INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER
Gary is now staring intently at Whiskers, who is meticulously grooming a paw. Linda is knitting a tiny sweater, presumably for Whiskers.
GARY: (Slowly) You know… I’ve been thinking. Whiskers contributes a lot to this family.
Linda beams. Chloe looks up from her phone, surprised Gary said something intelligent.
LINDA: Oh, Gary, that’s so lovely of you to say! He really does. His purrs have such a calming effect. Dr. Henderson says it’s like sonic therapy.
GARY: Right. Sonic therapy. So, I was thinking… what if I tried to contribute more… like Whiskers?
Chloe snorts. Leo giggles.
CHLOE: Dad, you can’t just become Whiskers. That’s appropriation. And frankly, a little creepy.
GARY: No, no! I just mean… emulate his… qualities. For instance… (Gary suddenly drops to all fours and tries to arch his back like a cat, emitting a strange grunting sound.) Meee-yow?
Linda and the kids stare in stunned silence. Whiskers stops grooming and looks at Gary with what can only be described as profound disappointment.
LINDA: (Concerned) Gary, dear? Are you… alright? Perhaps you’re working too hard on that… shelf thingy.
GARY: (Still on all fours, voice strained) Just trying to… connect. Be more… present. Look! (He spots a dust bunny under the couch and “pounces” on it, batting it clumsily with his hand.) Got it! A… a house mouse! Am I a good boy? Do I get salmon?
Leo bursts into tears.
LEO: DAD, YOU’RE SCARING WHISKERS! AND ME!
Chloe is filming again, a horrified grin on her face.
CHLOE: This is going viral. #DadBreakdown #CatEnvy
LINDA: (Rushing to comfort Leo, then looking at Gary with pity) Oh, Gary. You poor thing. You’re clearly just overwhelmed. You know what you need?
Gary looks up hopefully, a piece of fluff stuck to his cheek.
GARY: Acknowledgment? A slightly bigger portion of dinner? Maybe someone to ask me how my day was?
LINDA: (Smiling warmly) You need to spend some quality time relaxing. With Whiskers. He’ll calm you down. Why don’t you try a nice nap together? He loves it when you’re very, very still.
Linda gently scoops up Whiskers, who purrs contentedly in her arms, and gestures towards the couch.
LINDA: Go on. Snuggle up. He’ll share his velvet cushion. If you’re good.
Gary stares, defeated. He slowly crawls towards the couch. Whiskers is placed on the cushion. Gary lies down stiffly next to it, not daring to touch the sacred velvet. Whiskers looks at him, then deliberately turns his back.
GARY: (Whispering to the cat’s rear end) So… we good? You… you think they’ll ever notice if I just… slink away to a shelter? They have three hots and a cot, I hear. Less judgment.
Whiskers flicks his tail dismissively.
(FADE TO BLACK.)
(APPLAUSE SIGN LIGHTS UP)
