Watch Me Be A Hater

by Shelton Bumgarner

I am not, by nature a hater. I am of an age that I have a very live-and-let-live worldview. But, occasionally, I can’t help myself. It doesn’t happen very often, but sometimes it just pops out and even I don’t understand why. When I was much younger and before my involvement in ROKon Magazine gave me a brain transplant, I kind of hated on Jennifer 8. Lee, only to eventually meet her in Seoul.

Go figure.

But let me take a moment to hate on Eve Peyser. I only hate on Peyser because she’s a young, smart, attractive woman working at a reasonably good media outlet writing about politics…and….nothing. She’s not doing anything of note that I can think of besides using Instagram Stories a lot and randomly doing scratch-offs for 69 days in a row. Is that envy? Do I hate on her because she’s got a plumb job that I think I could do better or what?

She has such an acerbic wit that I’m sure she could put me in my place if she saw me hating on her. In the interests of full disclosure, I have written song lyrics about her in the past for no other reason than I was bored and she’s interesting. But that’s it.

I say we all go back to hating on Julia Allison.

I’m No ‘Stan,’ I Swear: Alexa Chung, Eve Peyser & The Nature Of Celebrity Crushes

by Shelton Bumgarner

I have to be really careful about this, but I guess I just have some stuff I want to get off my chest and so I can’t help myself. If I get the sense anyone is getting the wrong idea from these videos, I will delete them. That would be ironic, of course, since all I do is talk about how much I am nervous that _any_ talking about a celebrity online will be taken the wrong way. But in this specific instance, I couldn’t help myself.

‘Brooklyn’ — Lyrics To A Woke Folk-Pop Ballad

I saw a picture of Eve Peyser of Vice Magazine in her new apartment on Twitter and she said she fits perfectly in a “strange small room” perfectly. Her obvious beauty and wit has inspired me yet again and given that I am _assuming_ that the apartment is in Brooklyn, I decided to write a poem-meant-to-be-sung about the picture. Given that I have Trumplandia on the brain, it’s “woke” as well. But this is meant to be a homage to Simon & Garfunkel’s “America.” Or that song “Budapest.” It’s supposed to tell a story about a place. That’s the goal, at least. This is, as always a first draft. Like “America,” there’s no traditional chorus. Your vocalist would have to figure out where the emphasis would be.

lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
please give credit if you produce or perform

she fits in a strange small room
in her new Brooklyn apartment
her broad smile belies
the reign of the mad king
the one we all think about and wince
though for a moment she’s at peace

Brooklyn is the center of it all
her new apartment with its strange small room
the one she fits in so well
leaves us all to pause
to dwell on the meaning of it all

the streets of Brooklyn hum
with the busy people brooding on vice and sin
their voices can be heard to Montreal
maybe in French if they have the gaul

Eve with the raven hair
with her lovely countenance
makes Helen green with envy
it all happens in her new apartment
it all happens in her new apartment
it all happens in her new apartment
the one with the strange small room