by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner
So, this is 50. Or, almost. I will be turning that milestone year in a few months. It’s January 1st of this momentous year, so I find myself reflecting on my life to date and wondering how things got so fucked up.
I think the key thing that I simply could not process at the time is that there is a time limit for 99% of the people who are long term expats in South Korea. I love South Korea, its people and culture, but something about living there long-term as an expat can do a real number on your mind. I’ve compared it to being really close to a really hot — but extremely eccentric – girlfriend who ultimately you have to break up with because she’s driving you bonkers.
So, I think that if I had left South Korea in the spring of 2007 that maybe things would have worked out better for me. It would have been extremely painful in the short term — I was addicted to being an expat at the time — but in the long term I would have been able to sort out a lot of mental issues before they ultimately got out of control.
Maybe I would have drifted to New York City and been able to live my dream of being young-ish there. But, as it is, I waited too long and now even if I somehow manage to sell a break out first novel I’m just never going to be able to live the life of a smug wealthy bi-coastal liberal who flies over Iowa and laughs at the poor rubes below me.
As it stands, if my literary dreams come true the whole context will be a lot different than I could have ever expected. Being a “success” suddenly in your early to mid 50s is a lot different than being a “success” suddenly in your late 30s. The failure of ROKOn Magazine kneecapped me on an emotional basis and it took me a very, very long time to get my wits about me once everything was said and done.
Despite all my depressing talk, I continue to have a hunch that it’s a least possible that The Finger of God might point at me in a rather dramatic fashion at some point between now and, say, spring 2025. I have no idea what that might be, but I do know my native skillset and I have “skillz” as they say that might come in handy one way or another.
Or, to put it another way — I’m not dead yet.
