Uncle Shelton’s Tales: ‘The Bird King’

In this one, I’m trying to explain to a child Trump’s use of Twitter. So much of what Trump does is nearly impossible to explain to a very young child because how abstract it is. But if you break it down into concepts they can understand, you can get the point across and make yourself feel better. This one is ok, I guess. There’s something there that could be used to tell the story I want to tell, it’s just not nearly as focused as it could be. But I wrote this one VERY FAST.

The Bird King
A Fairy Tale by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

Uncle Shelton was walking through the woods with Midnight. Midnight raced around every once in a while, trying to eat the birds, but they were too fast and could fly.

“I wish I could be a bird,” Midnight told Uncle Shelton. “That would be so cool!”

“Are you sure….” Uncle Shelton said.

Once upon a time, an evil orange troll named Little Hands lived under a bridge. He was greedy and stole from people as they cross the bridge. He loved shiny things and thought one day he might get some gold to love. Because we all know if there’s one thing trolls love, it’s gold!

One day, Little Hands, the orange troll, heard someone above him walking across the bridge. He jumped out from under the bridge and what did he see but a old man and a camel. Little Hands demanded tribute to cross the bridge. The old man, with eternal, wise eyes, looked at the orange troll and shook his head.

“I have no money, just wishes,” the old man said.

“Well give me a wish, then!” Little Hands said. “I demand tribute! I want gold!”

“How about I let you wish to be a bird? You’ll get your gold that way,” the old man said.

Little Hands gave it some thought and finally agreed. He wished to be a bird and the old man passed across the bridge and vanished. Soon enough, Little Hands was a bird! He flew around with all his might, enjoying flight. He realized that now that he could talk to the other birds, he had a lot of power. So he tweeted to the other birds that they were being robbed by the other forest animals who enjoyed their shiny feathers and lovely sounds. He said they should demand tribute! They needed gold!

And the birds attacked the other forest creatures until they got all the gold they wanted. Just as it seemed the forest was doomed, a funny bird appeared out of nowhere. He made jokes about Little Hands, making all the forest creatures laugh and laugh. The power of all that laughter broke the old man’s spell and Little Hands became just a troll again. He lost all his gold, all his power and lived a long life under his bridge, remembering when he was the Bird King.

The End.

“So where did the funny bird come from?” Midnight asked Uncle Shelton.

“The old man with the camel crossed another bridge! This time there was a funny troll!” Uncle Shelton hooted. “The moral of the story is if someone makes your wish come true, they might give your dreams to someone else as well!”

‘The Jester Emperor’ — A Fairy Tale

I’m struggling to tell a child what’s going on right now in America and how we got here. This is inspired by a New Yorker cartoon I saw once.

The Jester Emperor
by Shelton Bumgarner

One upon a time, there lived a well respected, but bored, emperor. He was widely respected by all in the land, but he had ruled a long time and was looking for a change. So he decided to let the people pick a new emperor who would rule at his pleasure and entertainment.

The campaign began for the new emperor. All across the land, different people ran for the office. One was a woman who was qualified, but dull. She was no fun. Meanwhile, the other was one of the emperor’s own court jesters. He was funny and made the masses laugh as he appealed for people’s votes. He attacked any and everyone. He would say bad words and his growing numbers of supporters were mean to anyone who disagreed with him. While the emperor began to grow alarmed at the race, he felt he was wise enough to keep control and he allowed the race to continue. The race ended and to everyone’s surprise, the jester won.

The Jester Emperor, as he was now known, quickly used every power he had to stir up the population. He attacked the old emperor with great abandon. Whenever he spoke from the imperial keep, and spoke to the masses below, he demanded he become emperor for life. He said it in such a funny way that no one knew if he was serious or not. It all happened so quickly that the old emperor didn’t know what to do.

Within a month, it all became very real. The masses charged the old emperor’s home and demanded he name the Jester Emperor his successor. The old emperor did so and as he did, the Jester Emperor changed into the imperial purple and looked down on the cowering old emperor.

“I guess no one’s joking now, huh,” the Jester Emperor cackled.

‘Be Careful What You Wish For…” — A Fairy Tale

This is a retelling of one of my favorite stories I wrote for The EduTimes in South Korea. Again, my intent is not to be misogynistic. But this gives you some sense of my state of mind in 2007.
Be Careful What You Wish For…
By Shelton Bumgarner
Once upon a time, two guards were in front of a city gate, protecting it from enemies. The summer sun shone down on them harshly and they were sweating greatly. They grumbled to each other that they wished they were inside, chatting with cute girls. Mid-day came and they noticed a colorful, musical collection of people coming towards them. The closer the joyful parade came to them, the more curious to two guards became.
Soon the caravan stopped and a gorgeous woman stood before the two guards. She smelled wonderfully and was wearing sheer clothes that sparkled in the hot summer sun.
“Hello there!” she said. “My name is Gaia and I’m the leader of this merry band of women who are looking for a place to stay for the night. We come in peace and we’ll make your every dream come true.”
The two guards look at each other suspiciously. How could it be that such a thing was real. They knew for a fact that there were many men inside the city gates who would love to entertain any one of the beautiful women in the group before them. Gaia came very close to the two guards, close enough to kiss them.
After a moment, the two guards thought the same thing together — most of the people in front of them are women, there’s nothing to worry about.
So they opened the gates and let Gaia’s people in.
That night, the city was in chaos. The women of Gaia’s group had seduced every man they could and wives and girlfriends were starting fights left and right. In the confusion, a small group of the caravan’s men snuck into the city’s treasury and stole as much money as they could. The next morning the city awoke to the Gaia and her caravan gone, with much less money than they had before.
The End.

Fairy Tale: The Dream Box

This is not meant to be nearly as misogynistic as it might seem. It’s just about how being in a relationship isn’t always that great. And I was trying to think of a way to talk about sexbots taking over the world because of the demands of “incels.”

The Dream Box
By Shelton Bumgarner

Once upon a time, a young man named Coy was lonely. He searched high and low for a girlfriend, but he could find none. He was very sad, so very sad. He bumped into an old friend who told him he might find some help finding a girlfriend at the spooky old house where an old inventor lived.

Coy rushed to the old spooky house and opened the door. He found the old inventor tinkering away at his desk. Coy eagerly explained his problem — he wanted a girlfriend. The kind old inventor took one look at the young man and pointed to a large machine. The wise old inventor said that was his latest invention, The Dream Box.

The young man went up to The Dream Box and spoke his wish, “I wish every young man gets a girlfriend from now on! No young man will ever be lonely again!” The inventor flinched and realized he’d made a horrible mistake. Sure enough, The Dream Box opened up and girlfriend after girlfriend came out of the box. The first one to come out of the box made a beeline to Coy.

At first things were great. But within days, Coy, too, realized he’d made a mistake. His girlfriend began to demand he change his life in ways he didn’t like. But because of the wish, he couldn’t break up with her. So, too, did every other young man in the world realize this. So until the sun no longer set, the girlfriends ruled the world with an iron fist.

Fairy Tale: The Peasant

I used to write fairy tales when I was in South Korea. Here’s a new one just for fun.

The Peasant
By Shelton Bumgarner

Once upon a time, there lived a peasant Victor who believed he was destined to be a great hero. He was always looking for his chance to show his valor. While he was working the fields under the hot summer sun, he dreamed and dreamed that one day he would be invited to the emperor’s court and be given a mighty steed.

Victor was walking down a dusty path one afternoon when he was conked on the head by message that fell out of the sky. He looked up and saw a carrier pigeon flying away. He quickly read the message. It was very vague, but it seemed to between a spy telling about the affairs of state to the nation’s enemies. Victor ran as quickly as he could to his best friend Jack and the two men struggled to understand what it meant.

With great passion, Victor prepared to meet the spies at the appointed time as stated in the message, defeat them and be declared a hero by the emperor. Jack was less sure. The message was cryptic and he didn’t want to be seen a fool. He tried to tell Victor this, but to no avail.

The appointed time came and Victor jumped out of the shadows late at night to defeat the enemies of the state and be declared a hero. Alas, the message was not from a spy, but from the emperor’s lover. The emperor and his lover looked at Victor in shock. We don’t know what happened to Victor, but he was never heard from again.

‘Scorpion’ — #Lyrics To A Pop Ballad

This is a reference to the parable of the scorpion and the frog. I just like telling stories in verse. That’s it. I’m just relaxing. No one is paying me any attention and so I’m just challenging myself. I need to be working on my novel.

Scorpion
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

we’re in the middle of the river
once again
you look into my eyes with love
and you strike
as we sink into oblivion
you hug me tight and say your sorry

you’re the scorpion of my heart
the scorpion ready to strike
the scorpion, the scorpion
the scorpion, the scorpion

doesn’t seem possible
that this would happen again
the doors would slam and rings go rolling
but our love seems too solid
for the stinger to be felt

we’re too animals under the sheets
when we have to cross the river though
your instincts kick in yet again
I’ll hop anywhere you like
but I can’t bear to die again tonight

you’re the scorpion of my heart
the scorpion ready to strike
the scorpion, the scorpion
the scorpion, the scorpion

[bridge]
the truth will out
I know your lies
but I can’t deny how I feel
when you’re between my thighs

keep expecting a different outcome
say to myself one last time then I’m done
peeking into my fate I know the truth
you’ll strike again with love in your eyes
soon enough the darkness with abide

‘Back In The Day’ — #Lyrics To A Pop Song

As I understand it, Madonna was quite the wild animal in New York City from about 1985 to 1994. She was plowing her way through the male (and female) population of the city at an alarming rate, so much so that people at the time took notice of its rapacious nature. So, I’m a big Madonna fan and this would be a pop song telling someone that tonight might get kind of wild.

Back In The Day
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

I see you on the couch
slouching in despair
at your heart broken
with out any chance of repair
stop being so sad about that lout
we’re going out

grab your coat and babe
the time is ripe
for you to party all night
stop pouting and get ready for a pounding
your new love is out there I know

we’re going to party like Madonna
party like Madonna back in the day
party like Madonna back in the day

we’re going to hoe our row
work our asses til they’re red
we’ll be turning heads left and right
girls and guys won’t know what to think

I’m not kidding you ’cause your no fool
we’re going to follow Madonna’s lead
crash a party or three
I’ll be Sandra you be Madonna
talking David Letterman

we’re going to party like Madonna
party like Madonna back in the day
party like Madonna back in the day

[bridge]
when we wake up tomorrow
we’ll find our new best friend or two
struggling to understand what happened
he or she will realize they’ve played their part
driving the dark out of our hearts

we’re going to party like Madonna
party like Madonna back in the day
party like Madonna back in the day

‘Good Time Girl’ — #Lyrics To A Pop Ballad

I like this one. In my fevered imagination it’s a slow pop ballad, but these are just words. What happens to them — which is probably nothing — is up to fate. I would need a co-writer and a producer to do anything with it.

Good Time Girl
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

don’t need any money when I’ve got yours
give you everything you want and more
show you a good time but I’m no whore
lots of guys want my body but they ain’t you
for the right amount I’ll be
your good time girl

don’t judge me for my life
just ’cause I my rich
doesn’t mean I’m a bitch

I’ll always be your good time girl
good time girl is what I am
good time girl
good time girl
good time girl

I know you think you’ve me figured out
but you just don’t know the truth
I always fly first class
with an ass like mine what else should I expect

guys are so easy to please
flip their switch and they’re ready to twitch
but when it’s time to pay up they get all confused
what really do you have to lose
I’ll take some more booze while you think

don’t judge me for my life
just ’cause I my rich
doesn’t mean I’m a bitch

I’ll always be your good time girl
good time girl is what I am
good time girl
good time girl
good time girl

[bridge]
I’ll make my way out of this
I tell myself every day
this is no way to live
getting laid for pay

when they finally come to take me away
at least I’ll have gotten my share
a few guys will have gotten laid
but there’s no shame in being
a good time girl

don’t judge me for my life
just ’cause I my rich
doesn’t mean I’m a bitch

I’ll always be your good time girl
good time girl is what I am
good time girl
good time girl
good time girl

‘Celebrity Crush’ — #Lyrics To A Pop Song

This is meant to be a dumb summer pop song. That’s all. These are just words. Someone would have to do something with them to make them a song.

Celebrity Crush
lyrics by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls
please give credit if you produce or perform

look at you on the my screen
I know in my heart you’re it
beaming into my soul is your role
you’d never deem me up to your speed
but what can I say you’re my

celebrity crush
rushing about soak up your sparkle
celebrity crush
lusting for a moment of your time
celebrity crush

if we ever met
then again maybe not
let’s not get started
with that dream
maybe it’s a little too much
for me to hope for

but it’s just a crush
no rush to the alter
seeing you on screen
does leave me breathing heavy
I’m no stan I swear
just a fan

celebrity crush
rushing about soak up your sparkle
celebrity crush
lusting for a moment of your time
celebrity crush

[bridge]
you’re my ideal
an idol of the best type
but you’re just a dream
when I wake up you’ll be gone

celebrity crush
rushing about soak up your sparkle
celebrity crush
lusting for a moment of your time
celebrity crush

Talk To Me Internet: Idle Rambling About Writing Lyrics

by Shelton Bumgarner
@bumgarls

Just idle rambling about my quixotic writing of lyrics.