by Shelton Bumgarner
Coming soon to a TV — and maybe Senate well — near you!
The Bullshit Defense
Fuck you, you libtard. Doesn’t matter if he did it. You kill babies. MAGA! MAGA! MAGA!
The Biden Is A Criminal Defense
Fuck you. Investigate Biden and Obama’s Netflix Deal! Lock her up! Benghazi!
The Deep State Defense
George Soros paid Obama to pay the Deep State to listen into on Trump. It doesn’t matter what he did, the REAL crime is that the Deep State is trying to bring Our President, The Chosen One, down. And…by the way..fuck you.
The Disgruntled Partisan Defense
Doesn’t matter what Trump did, this is obviously some disgruntled holdover from the Obama administration. Fuck you.
The Obama Did The Same Thing Defense
This is one I could see Emmet Flood using. We get to watch Obama say, “I’ll have more flexibility after the election” on a hot mic for 11 hours. This is bullshit because what he wasn’t illegal and it was simply traditional diplomacy. But that doesn’t matter. Flood will simply want to give political cover to Republican Senators to acquit.
The “He Was Joking” Defense
Oh, you know Trump, what a kidder!
The Master Negotiator Defense
Trump’s a master negotiator. He was just freestyling, like very stable geniuses do.
The Doofus Defense
He didn’t know what he was doing was wrong.