by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner
I once upon a time wrote children’s stories in South Korea for young Koreans learning English. I did a pretty good job. The news that some dingus from the bowels of the Trump Administration has written a children’s book defending idiot Trump has prompted me to write my own story.
Uncle Shelton was reading a history book when his black cat Midnight jumped into his lap.
“Whatcha reading, Uncle Shelton?”
“A history book of the recent past.”
“What’s it about?” Midnight asked.
“Well, it’s about…”
Once upon a time, there was merchant named Don. He was very dumb and always said the wrong thing. He was evil as they come and loved
to read a poem about a snake. Don was part stake, according to the legends of yore. One day, there was an election for King of The Land.
Because the merchant was very evil and corrupt, he worked with the king of another land to steal the election.
But many people, including the writer known as Patel would not believe the dumb Merchant stole the election, but rather believed
the merchants lies long, long after it was moot and made them look like a fool. Patel, who should have known better, even wrote a book for
children accusing Hillary Queenton and Keeper Komey of things that were not true.
No one knows what will happen because of Patel and his lies, but there is now a darkness across the land. And the history of the future
may be of a great nation torn apart because people like Patel — who should have known better — kept repeating lies against people who
just wanted to keep their kingdom great.
Here’s a better example of my ability to write a children’s story:
When I was in South Korea teaching English, there was this cute little kid who completely mixed up the New Testament with the movie “Constantine.” It was so cute and surreal that I used it once when I was writing EduTimes fairy tales for this or that surreal little story. So, with that in mind, here’s my effort to explain to a child how fucked up Jeff Sessions’ efforts on the border are. And, as an added bonus, we get to use gennies as a symbolic warning — they’re a poor man’s alarm system as I understand it.
Uncle Shelton’s Tales’ Presents:
Naborat Jeebus & The Gennies
Uncle Shelton took Midnight a farm one day and the moment they got there, there was a horrible noise! Birds were running around everywhere, squawking and causing trouble.
“What are those, Uncle Shelton?” Midnight asked.
“Those are gennies!” Uncle Shelton said. “They make a lot of noise, they warn you when you’re in trouble. One time they saved the land from a horrible orange troll!”
One upon a time, an evil orange troll named Little Hands overthrew the lion as the king of the land. He had become friends with the birds who tweeted his commands down on the animal kingdom. Little Hands had promised so many things to the animal kingdom using the birds’ tweets and for a while there was peace in the land as he grew in power. One day, the Little Hands awoke to a horrible noise! The kingdom was being invaded by gennies! They are a very loud birds and they made it so Little Hands couldn’t sleep. He was very lazy and liked to sleep all day long!
Little Hands decided to use magic to get rid of the gennies. He summoned an evil elf. He told the elf to do whatever it took to get rid of the brown, noisy gennies.
“Yes sir Little Hands!” the evil little elf said. “Right away sir!”
Using his magic powers, he summoned the most powerful magical creature he knew of, Naborat Jeebus! Naborat Jeebus was very old and long ago had left the land to live with his father. The evil little elf told Naborat Jeebus many lies about the gennies, so many lies that Naborat Jeebas cast the gennies into a big pin! He even tore genny familes apart!
The noise of all those gennies being moved into a big pen was ever so loud. Loud enough that Naborat Jeebus took note. He paused for a moment and asked a genny why they were making so much noise.
“We’re just gennies!” one said. “It’s our job in the animal kingdom to make noise, to product people from danger! We meant no harm!”
Naborat Jeebus looked at the evil little elf and got angry.
“How dare you summon me to hurt the innocent!” Naborat Jeebus yelled.
And with that, Naborat Jeebus freed the gennies and turned both the evil little elf and Little Hands into toads and went back to be with his father.
The End.
“See,” Uncle Shelton said. “Sometimes, the good guys win!”
“I know,” Midnight said. “But not always, right?”
“No, Midnight, not always. But if you make enough noise like the gennies, you’re more likely to do so.”
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