Mental Masturbation About My Novel One Day Being Adapted Into A Hollywood Movie

by Shelt Garner

One of the rules of thumb about writing a novel is one should avoid pontificating on the nature of any supposed Hollywood adaptation of your novel when you’re still struggling to get the damn thing done. But, lulz, I never do what I’m supposed to do, so here goes.

The key thing about this novel is, given both marketing and human nature, the thing everyone will hone in on is my heroine being both being involved in sex work and owning an alternative weekly. That is the thing that everyone will run around yelling and debating if this novel ever is sold and has even a modicum of success.

If I was a transgendered, undocumented twentysomething woman then, yes, of course, any qualms the “woke cancel culture mob” had about such a novel would evaporate. But here I am, a 50-year-old CIS white male writing something that in the eyes of some, I have no business writing about. Some people’s minds will shut down the moment they hear “stripper” and “written by a CIS white male.”

But, just for shits and giggles, let’s assume I somehow manage to get past that obstacle. Given what I know of Hollywood actresses, plenty of them would get off on playing such an interesting character, especially one in which they get a few scenes where they work the pole. And I have done my best not to make the whole stripper angle not seem to gratuitous.

It’s done in a rather matter-of-fact way. I like this potentially controversial element of the story because there’s all this conflict involved as the two sides of my heroine’s life occasionally smash into each other in unexpected an interesting ways.

In my mind, my heroine looks like a younger version of Olivia Munn. In fact, I would say Ms. Munn would be perfect to play the heroine, but for her being about a decade too old. Another woman who I have rolling around in my mind as I write my heroine is Nicole Scherzinger. But, again, she’s too old. But Ms. Scherzinger’s phenotype is definitely pretty much exactly what I have in mind as what my heroine looks like.

I’ve lost this actress’ name, but the below picture is a close approximation of my heroine’s appearance.

About what I imagine my heroine looks like as I write her.

Anyway, all of this is mental masturbation. I still have a long ways to go before I get anywhere near seeing the waking dreams of my novel on the big screen. But the story is really, really interesting and unexpected. The story isn’t nearly as dark as Stieg Larsson’s original Millennium series. That kind of shit just isn’t my scene.

But I’ve made the overall story interesting enough that I think its possible that by the time the development and writing process is over, I’ll be within shouting distance of getting an agent and, in turn a book deal. Of course, by the time all that happens I’ll be so fucking old that, well, ugh.

Author: Shelton Bumgarner

I am the Editor & Publisher of The Trumplandia Report

Leave a Reply