Month: June 2020

It’s The Title of Jessica Alba’s Netflix Vehicle ‘Trigger Warning’ That Is Making Me Nervous



by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

The novel I’m developing is very personal. It’s also very much something of my autobiography in a gauzy, fictional form. But Jessica Alba — the Taylor Swift of major Latina movie stars — has a project with Netflix in development that’s really making me nervous.

It’s called Trigger Warning and when I heard the title my heart sank. It would be very easy for it to be essentially the novel I’m writing. In fact, Trigger Warning is one of several discarded titles I’ve mulled for the novel over the last two years.

But the once I learned what few details I could about Alba’s project, it just doesn’t seem I have THAT much to worry about. Yes, the two projects are similar in some respects, but I THINK that has more to do with simple form follows function than anything else.

And, yet, as I’ve said, should something happen, I’ve developed this novel far enough that I can pretty easily use the characters I’ve come up with for a different plot.

I hope it doesn’t come to that, but who knows. Stranger things have happened.

Sometimes, you just have to believe in yourself.

A Quirk About The Nature of The Female Romantic Lead of The Novel I’m Developing



by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I have a lingering celebrity crush on Alexa Chung, so I’ve constructed the female romantic lead of the novel I’m developing who is something of a homage to her. But there’s a problem.

My female romantic lead has an Asian name, but doesn’t LOOK all that Asian, just like Alexa Chung. So, I could see hilarity ensuing as casting directors struggle to find someone who can “pass” for white but is actually Asian. Or, they could cast someone like Jennifer Lawrence or Phoebe Waller-Bridge who would fit the novel’s description of the character, but not be Asian.

It was just my imagination….

At this point, I have to note that the idea that I even sell this novel to a publisher is rather fantastical, so I’m doing little more than mentally masturbating to even broach these things. But I have to psyche myself up to finish the marathon of developing and writing a novel somehow, so this is one of the ways I do it.

Me talking about if Jennifer Lawrence or Phoebe Waller-Bridge was going to play the female romantic lead of a movie adaptation of the novel I’m working on right now is like wondering if I could score a supermodel after having won the lottery.

Anyway, it’s this type of quirk that makes the whole only-a-certain-type-of-person-can-play-a-role seem a bit ludicrous, even though it is, at least in my eyes, totally legitimate.

I am growing closer to getting back to actually writing on this novel, which is pretty cool. But I still have a huge amount of work to do.

‘The End Of October’ — Some Observations At The Roughly 100 Page Mark



by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I really, really like the novel The End of October so far. It’s very much a “dude” novel. It’s got stuff dudes like me like. It’s a little bit scifi and also very timely. I will notice, however, that it doesn’t follow some of the storytelling conventions I keep getting beaten into my mind with all these “how to write a novel” books I’m reading.

But, whatever, it’s a good story nonetheless.

It’s very timely, that’s for sure. Eerily so.

It’s about a pandemic. My novel is going to have elements of “panfic” to it, but more so in the second book in the two book story than the first, which is what I’m working on at the moment.

The End of October is a nice breezy read, much like how I hope my novel to come across. I’m reading it pretty fast, without even realizing it. That’s what I want my novel to be like. I want you to read my novel so fast you look up three days after you read it and realize you’ve barely slept.

That’s the dream, at least.

The thing about The End Of October is it’s focused on one thing and the novel I’m writing right now has a lot of different ideas jumbled together. I think the only way to flatten everything down is to be really character based. If it’s the characters who introduce various Big Ideas, then I don’t think the novel will lose focus.

But I think I have to give myself the right to fail when it comes to the first draft of the novel. There are just so many different parts to a novel that you can’t expect to have everything be perfect at your first attempt.

I really like The End of October so far, however.

An Update On The #Novel I’m Developing



by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

The last few weeks I’ve felt a little tired. I’ve been working on this novel for so long, it’s warped the way I look at the world on an existential level. But I think I may have come up with a solution to this feeling — literally look at working on this novel as a job in the sense that I give myself a “weekend.”

The “weekend” that I give myself isn’t Saturday – Sunday, but more like late Wednesday through Saturday. But when I do work on the novel, I sprint. I’m like the least Type A person ever, so any work I do on anything is done in an erratic and eccentric manner — but it is often done in a very intense fashion when it’s done.

The next big step I have to get into is the outline of the second half of the novel. A lot of things happen during that portion of the novel, a lot of them I currently have no idea how to articulate. But I can, like, read. I can figure it out. It just may take me going outside my comfort zone to do it.

But I will, in fact, do it.

Developing and writing a novel is a lot of work, but also a lot of fun.

I have no idea how anyone does it without a huge amount of methodical developing and plotting. Things have started to move faster with this novel because I understand development and plotting a lot better — and I’m reading a massive amount as quickly as possible.

And this is just the first book in a two book story!

‘American Brezhnev’ — Something Is Wrong With Trump



by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Something is wrong with Trump.

And it’s not like the usual, of COURSE there’s something wrong with Trump, either. I mean, there’s something so wrong with him he needs to step down immedately, or at least let Pence be acting president.

Or something.

But it’s a testament to how fucked up the American political system is that nothing is going to happen even though his deteriorating mental and physical state is pretty obvious for everyone to see.

So we’re stuck with stuck with an American Brezhnev. He’s simply going to doter along for the next five years destroying the Republic in a daze. (He’s never leaving office for any reason, by the way.)

I don’t have any ready answer to this problem. We’re fucked.

May Actually Overshoot My Goal With This Novel



by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

The novel I’m developing is turning out to be be really, really good — at least in my eyes. Yes, there’s that Jessica Alba vehicle Trigger Warning lurking out there, but the more I think about it, it seems any resemblance between it and what I’m working on comes more from where my head is as I develop my novel than anything else. Or something.

I guess, in a sense, all that is first child jitters. Though I will admit that now that I finally have the hang of writing a novel, I’m likely to just keep writing them no matter what. All I want is to write a novel where someone who doesn’t know me reads it and asks, “So what happens next?”

The novel I’m developing definitely has franchise written all over it. Though, if I did manage to sell the first two books, I would go back in time and write two prequels. Those two stories are pretty well thought out in my mind and would be pretty easy to write given how much I had to think them to through to write the novels I’m working on now.

But a lot of all of this comes from simply not only not knowing what I’m doing, but not having anyone to tell me “no.” Or, put another way, if I had, like, friends and stuff — or maybe a wife or girlfriend — it’s unlikely I would have gotten this far with this project because everyone would have gotten so frustrated with me that they would have finally successfully told me to “just write a short story.”

Fuck such thinking. Fuck short stories. I want to write a novel.

It’s wild how little support I’m getting from anyone about writing a novel. Everyone wants me to write a screenplay or a short story or whatever the fuck else they think I should write. But no one is like, “Hey! You’re writing a novel after talking about writing a novel for years, good for you!”

I can’t help how extroverted I am. That’s just who I am.

Nervous About That Jessica Alba Vehicle Being Produced



by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Movies and TV have a different internal logic than a novel because you have the opportunity to show things on the screen while with a novel you have to show it on the page — and explain it.

Anyway, Jessica Alba has a movie coming out called Trigger Warning that is making me nervous. It’s very, very different from the novel I’m developing, but close enough that I worry it will steal a creative march on me. And, yet, from what I can understand of it, I don’t have TOO much to worry about.

My novel is far more elaborate and ambitious than Trigger Warning. And, yet, given how the world really works, I could see it sucking up all the wind for my project. All I can say is should the worst happen, I’m far enough long in this project that I can — having licked my wounds — use the development I’ve done to think up a new plot. (How much I have to change will depend greatly on how close the production is to what I’m doing.)

Another way to look at it is, maybe I’m fitting the modern conventions of the genre I’m trying to compete in? Or, at least, that’s one way to make myself feel good, to rationalize my unexpected defeat from unexpected source.

But it all definitely gives me reason to work as fast I can to produce something, anything, that I can try to sell. No one — not even me — can predict the future.

How Trump Won



by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Autocrats never lose, and as such, Trump is going to win in 2020. Here are a few of the ways he will win.

The Insurance Policy
Trump is going to ditch Pence and name some insane person (The Kooch, Tom Cotton, Steve King, Kris Kobach) as his veep. Or someone ostensibly sane (Ivanka Trump), but actual a proxy for the person they will name their veep when Trump finally goes insane in his second term. Ivanka, in particular, is perfect to help him pull off an “upset” win (see below) because she’s a threefer: a woman, Jewish and a Trump (and moderate!)

The Quid Pro Quo
The United States is removing 1/3 of its troops from Germany after a friendly call between Trump and Putin. This is set to happen by September, just in time for Putin to directly hack into our election systems on Election Day. By the time we figure out why the polls were so wrong again, lulz, we’ve had a Constitutional Convention and Trump is a barely functioning American Brezhnev.

The Durham Investigation
This is still lurking out there, ready to pop out. This is a catch-all investigation into everyone Trump hates by this dude named Durham. The conditions are there for Biden to be indicted just about the same time as the Second Comey Letter. Lulz! Trump wins.

COVID19
It’s possible that if COVID19 will simply grow so deadly that center-Left people won’t go to the polls (the ones that are still open for them) and Trump squeezes about a victory in Michigan and Wisconsin.

Trump Sues
If the other two things don’t work, then Trump sues, claiming massive voter fraud. It goes to SCOTUS and he wins 5-4. Lulz!

The Electoral College Commission
It’s very easy to see a 1876-style commission established to figure out which Electors to allow to cast their votes. Last time, it was made up of half Republicans, half Democrats. In the divided America we live in, all they have to do is have another Brooks Brothers Riot at some point and lulz, Trump wins.

General Electoral Ratfucking
If all THAT doesn’t hand the presidency to Trump, he simply ratfucks Electors on a personal level. His criminality and insanity fuse into one. He doxxes them on Twitter, telling MAGA, Proud Boys and whomever else will listen that they and their families have to be taught a lesson about the power of the 2nd Amendment. Or he bribes Electors. Or whatever else the fuck he wants to do. Nothing matters and no one cares at this point.

General Election Violence
This is a real wild card. It’s going to happen at some point, the question is how badly is it going to get. It’s going to get so bad that it’s the biggest story of the year, bigger than COVID19. America doesn’t have any history of political violence, and so when MAGA starts murdering people like me in cold blood, well, there’s a chance that, in itself, will be enough to keep Trump in office.

The point is — TRUMP IS NEVER LEAVING OFFICE FOR ANY REASON.

He is going to get into his second term and gradually turn into an American Brezhnev with absolute power after a rouge Constitutional Convention gives it to him. His successor will be even worst than he is.

Get out of the country if you can.

Trump’s Bonkerness Be Not Proud



by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

The Mad King continues to be mad and we’re not going to do anything about it. The question is, of course, if we do reach a crisis with Trump’s mental state, will we even recognize it? I don’t think we will — I think Trump’s insanity and criminality will fuse in such a way that he’s going to literally destroy the entire Republic because, well, lulz, nothing matters.

Our future?

If if the things people like me have long feared happen — like Trump whips out his cock and starts masturbating, or starts to rant about African Americans using a gratuitous amount of the N-word…nothing will happen.

Nothing
Will
Happen

Nothing.

We’re so close to the election that Trump could go way, way, WAY out of his way to start a war with the DPRK and I just don’t see there being any consequences. Maggie Haberman would coo that it was all part of Trump’s political genius. Trump could explode, not implode, mentally and we’re all just going to have to wait for Jan. 20th, 2021.

But wait, there’s more.

There’s a real chance that if Trump’s insanity and criminality merge, that his enablers will be cool with him brazenly bribing electors. Or doxing them on Twitter. Or siccing MAGA on them in the dead of night. Trump could, at last, murder someone in cold blood on FOX News and lulz, nothing matters.

His enablers are that far up Trump’s ass at this point.

And, really, in the end, if Trump’s insanity finally reaches a point of crisis, it’s not going to happen in a way that helps either side. I mean, history didn’t pick the greatest time to let leash a pandemic, now did it? Last year would have been FAR BETTER for everyone involved.

Anyway. Now what.

John Bolton’s Triangulation



by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

It seems as though John Bolton did not testify against Trump when fate gave him the opportunity because, well, he hates liberals more than he thinks Trump should be removed from office.

So, in his estimation, any buck he earns from his “tell all” book on his time as part of the Trump Administration is a buck well earned (especially if it comes from liberals.) Now that, lulz, Trump is free to destroy everything, if there is a post-Trump Era, then, in Bolton’s estimation, everything will to some extent snap back into place and he can go back to “normal.” Bolton wants to triagulate liberals and conservatives in such a way that both of them hate-love him equally. This allows him to cruise back his regular roll on FOX News when the opportunity comes.

But that’s a huge amount of wishful thinking.

Trump has already likely hatched a quid pro quo with the Russians so they will hack direction into our election systems in the fall (Trump is removing about 1/3 of our forces from Germany) and, as such, lulz. Mysteriously, the polls will again be way, way, WAY off it will be some point in Barron Trump’s administration that we discover the Russians have been gleefully hacking into our election systems for decades with the direct help of House Trump.

But by that point, it will be the greatest, “Lulz, nothing matters” of all time.

Anyway, I’m going to be shocked if Bolton’s book comes out at all (or at least anytime before Trump crowns himself God Emperor of Trumplandia.