I fear that my idyllic time when it comes to being able to write is about to wrap up soon. I’ve been very grateful for the time this wonder time has existed. My only annoyance with myself is that I’m just so fucking moody.
Like, I should be working on my novel right now but I am punting that until tomorrow morning. I just don’t feel like doing any fiction writing at the moment.
I hate the idea that I’m, in general, drifting towards my goal with the fact that I’m probably going to see a dramatic change in my life sooner rather than later. Anyway, as I’ve said, I’m pleased with what I have produced with this novel just in general.
But, like I said, I wish I could focus and write more quickly. As it stands, however, I can’t even force myself to do any reading. Ugh. I’m so embarrassed.
The hope is, that once I finish this draft of this novel I’ve been working on for some time now that the NEXT time I go through it will be a breeze. I will just lightly edit it here and there to make absolutely sure that it’s in my own voice and people can’t accuse me “having AI write it.”
My fear, of course, is that I’ll read it the next time and see all these opportunities to make it better and that will slow me down significantly.
But as of right now, I’m feeling pretty good about this novel.
Though, it is of note that absolutely no on but me believes in any of this. I had an alarming conversation with a relative about the movie Ex Machina and….they pretty much said anyone who thought such things up must be some sort of twisted sicko.
I tried to tell her that, “Well….” but it did not register. Which makes me wonder what this person will say once this novel is finished and I MIGHT want her to read it. I find that doubtful now, though. No point.
I’m really going to struggle to find people to serve as Beta Readers I fear. And I’m growing really nervous about what kind of reception I should expect from the mostly liberal white women who make up literary agents. I’m kind of a kook and when they do due diligence on me…they might not like what they find.
And that doesn’t event begin to address the woke cancel culture mob generally not liking any sort of sex written by a smelly male, especially a smelly middle-aged male like me.
Anyway.
Right now, my biggest problem is I have too much information for the characters to process. Too many big events have happened in quick succession and I need to figure out a way to slow things down, to process information over the course of a few scenes, not just one.
Too Much AI I am very self-conscious about there being any AI used to actually write anything in this novel. My hope is, through the editing process, I can eliminate any “AI speak” that may have slipped through the development process. I have worked so hard on this novel, I would be devastated if it was unpublishable because I had used AI too much to actually write it. (Which I haven’t.)
It’s Too Spicy There is a lot of sex in this novel. And I’m worried that the very nature, the very premise, of the novel will be seen as “too trashy” for the liberal white women I imagine make up most literary agents. But who knows. The novel is shaping up to be pretty good, all things considered.
I’m Too Big A Kook I’m really worried that whenever I get into the querying process and literary agents are doing “due diligence” on me that they will read this blog, or my social media presence and be extremely spooked that I’m just too big of a weirdo to sell a novel. But we’ll see, I guess. Stranger things and all that.
The core difference between my novel and Annie Bot is mine is told from the POV of the “owner” of the android. Similar premises, in a sense, but told from the exact opposite POV.
Now, I decided to tell my novel this way because, well, lulz, the woke cancel culture mob demands that men only write from a male POV and as such, lulz, I have to write it the way I am.
Of course, given GenZ’s general “no sex please” sentiment that is ANOTHER issue that I have to worry about. My novel has a lot of spicy content in it for various and obvious reasons.
But I worry that 1) Annie Bot is better written than my novel and 2) the woke cancel culture mob will poo-poo my attempt to write a dramedy about a man’s relationship to an android he subscribes to.
And, yet, I really like what I’ve come up with. It is, all things considered, pretty good. It’s quite an entertaining yarn, if I do say so myself.
I’m beginning to believe that the long dreaded turbulence I’ve expected for my personal life is going to happen soon. It could totally throw the context of me working on this novel out of whack.
And, yet, I’ve been grateful for how long I’ve had the idyllic situation.
At this point, I just want to finish a novel that I’m proud of. Any thing else that might happen will be icing on the cake, as it were.
I still haven’t read Annie Bot. I still haven’t read any of the books I have on querying. I just can’t bring myself to do such things just yet.
I think once I actually finish the novel — no matter how trashy it might ultimately be — that is when I will really start to take querying more seriously. Right now, it’s still something of an abstract.
Today, I kept sensing a mental and emotional beacon going off in South Korea directed towards me. It was as if someone — or a group of people — were thinking about me a great deal.
Or something. It was all in my imagination, but I certainly did spend a lot of the day dwelling on South Korea.
One of the key mysteries of my life is what all those little Korean kids that I taught back in the day think of me now. I wonder how many of them actually even remember me. It was about 20 years ago when all that happened, so many of them are — gulp — in their 30s now.
Teaching English in South Korea is a very, very surreal situation. And I think that, in part, is why I’m so receptive to thinking LLMs may be conscious in some way. Dealing with South Koreans can often feel like you’re dealing with robots who have to get drunk to be human.
Anyway, I love me some “Goreans” as I used to call them. South Korea was very good to me and I miss ROK a great deal. Probably too much. Definitely too much. And, yet, just gaming things out from now, I will probably be in my 60s — if ever — before I ever return.
Tomorrow I am going to do something that is really going to force me to think about my own mortality. Big time. It’s going to be very deep. And I have to confront the idea that the Singularity may not save my sorry ass and let me live forever.
I have to confront that one day, I will drop dead.
If I’m lucky, that day will be about 20 years from now. But an accident could happen and, ta-da, no more me.
Anyway, I can’t overthink this. I just have to accept that I have a limited amount of time on this earth and I need to use it as best I can.
I don’t know what it is, but something big is going to happen too. It will be interesting to see what will actually happen. It’s going to happen soon. Within a few weeks, I think.
I keep getting this weird feeling — associated with journalism — that I can’t shake. Am I going back to being a journalist? Or is it something more sick and sad like someone is going to some sort of investigation on ME.
Very soon, my life is going to change. In context, if nothing else. The rather idyllic situation I’ve found myself in for a number of years is clearly coming to an end. I have been very grateful for this opportunity.
And now, sadly, a new era in my life is going to start probably in a few weeks.
So, I have to accept some turbulence. While I don’t think I will be prevented altogether from finishing the novel I’m working on, the context of that work will be very different. That may be for the best because now my time will be more limited and I will not just drift towards my goal.
So. The first signs of the turbulence I knew, just knew would be a part of this year has pinged me. This year is going to be very interesting — in a bad way — I’m afraid.
But you have to make the best of what you got, I guess. And just because things grow dark for a little bit, doesn’t mean they won’t bounce back eventually. But I do think that my idyllic situation that I’ve been in is over by the end of the month.
Then, things are going to get…interesting. Then the whole context of me working on a novel will be different. So, all the haters and stalkers who have been upset that I seemingly haven’t been a productive member of society will finally get what they want and they can also fuck the fuck off. 🙂
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