Month: July 2021

An Old Tries To Figure Out The Charli D’Amelio Twerking Controversy


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

For once, I did some research about something I’m posting about. The more I know about this subject, the more underwhelming it is. So, apparently, 17-year-old Tik-Tok sensation Charli D’Amelio went to a high profile 4th of July Party…and twerked.

That’s it. That’s the controversy.

I think this particular kerfuffle has gotten bigger because of how upset D’Amelio apparently is about it. Given how crass and bonkers most American pop culture is these days, D’Amelio twerking at a party with a bunch of adults leaves me rather blase.

So what? MAGA is strangling American democracy and there are people with enough spare time to worry about something this stupid?

Anyway. Lulz.

The MAGA Pink Elephant In The Room


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

One of the most aggravating things about Twitter these days is how fucking oblivious Blue Check Liberals are to how dire things are politically in the United States.

They still, to this day, spend way too much energy trying to parse out the non-existent logic of MAGA. Instead of saying, “Oh my God, the United States may buckle soon because of the rise of fascism,” they chuckle and giggle at this or that ostensibly stupid thing that a MAGA “thought leader” has tweeted.

All of this is, of course, a complete waste of time. Instead of writing snarky tweets about how bonkers MAGA is, they need to start coming up with ways for the average person to prepare for either autocracy or civil war. It would make me feel a lot better if there was a practical guide to surviving America’s coming political apocalypse that I could read.

As it stands, all I got is, I dunno…get a passport? Be sure to live in a part of the country that fits your politics? Otherwise, I got nothing. Because it’s clear to me that we’ve zoomed past the point of no return: by 2025, the United States is either going to be an autocracy or we’re going to have a civil war. No other options.

Or, if you press me, I will tell you I can’t predict the future and something REALLY BIG would have to divert us from that particular existential choice. Even then, it might just punt the problem down the road. It would have to be HUGE, like First Contact or something, for us to avoid our existential fate altogether.

What I want is a reboot of how we frame MAGA. Instead of seeing it as something to laugh at, we need to see it as the existential threat that it is. Those fuckers are out for blood as the January 6th insurrection proves. And, what’s worse, they’re creating this entire Lost Cause mythology around the event for their echo chamber to pivot to whenever they talk to people like me.

What’s worse, the echo chambers of the center-Left and center-Right no longer overlap at all. It used to be, in, say, 2016 that you might find yourself in a heated discussion on Twitter with some MAGA cocksucker. Now, I rant all I want to on Twitter and very, very rarely hear a peep from a MAGA person. This is not good because apparently both sides have completely give up trying to debate people who disagree with them. And if they do, they do it exclusively in the context of trolling.

We’re just not taking MAGA’s intentions seriously enough. Instead of ridiculing them, or foolishly trying to change their minds, we need to gird our loins for the very serious transformation in the United States that MAGA is going to force — be it autocracy or civil war.

A Former Blab User’s Observations For Tik-Tok


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

The video conferencing service Blab may one day be looked back upon as the Amiga of such things. It was way ahead of its time and it definitely gave a sense of the community building potential of video conferencing when combined with discovery.

On paper, at least, Blab was a multi-functional platform that could have been used for everything from a “video Reddit” to online dating to a robust podcasting platform, to you name it.

But the very thing that made it so great — it’s very cool discovery feature — was ultimately its downfall (in a sense.) Once hateful trolls got a hang of the service — and were willing to be on camera — that was the end of Blab at least from the community standpoint.

I use Tik-Tok a lot these days and occasionally — when I’m not worried the service is, like, fucking reading my mind — I wonder if they could somehow crib the best bits of Blab and give Facebook a run for its money.

The answer is I don’t know.

The reason is, Tik-Tok is a handful as it is. Throwing in four way video conferencing with discovery would face the exact same problems that Blab had. So, on paper, yes, adding Blab features to Tik-Tok would probably take it to the next level and make it potentially a Facebook killer.

But, in reality, you would have to be a lot and I mean A LOT smarter than me to figure out how to cherry pick Blab’s best bits without it slamming into the bonkers troll problem that Blab experienced. So, in the abstract, yes, it would be great for Tik-Tok to bring the Blab experience to the masses but it would be seriously playing with fire on a practical level.

So, I don’t know. I do think there is a way that Tik-Tok could grow as huge as Facebook under the right conditions — Facebook is a utility that is hated by a huge swath of if its user based. Whenever we move from Web 3.0 to Web 4.0 everything will be “disrupted” again and new titans will arise. It may be that we skip the video and VR phases altogether and go directly to MindCaps.

Or something.

Anyway, I miss old Blab. We hardly knew yuh.

‘Rona Rock:’ I’ve Seen The Face Of Pop Rock And Its Name Is Olivia Rodrigo


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’ve written at length about this before, but Olivia Rodrigo’s release of her album “sour” has me thinking about it again — now that the United States is getting out of the pandemic, maybe it’s time for pop rock to return.

I call this neo-pop rock, “Rona Rock.”

Let me give you some context. There are millions of old farts like me who love rock that has a beat and you can dance to. Maybe a few dozen million. And, at the moment, they are forced to listen to “classic rock.” Not a lot of new pop rock is coming out and that which is coming out is almost exclusively Miley Cyrus doing covers of old pop rock songs.

Sour is so close to being a traditional pop rock album. It still, however, lacks the edge of a true pop rock album. It’s more a POP rock album. So it seems to me that of all the popular acts out there that Rodrigo is the most likely to come out with an album produced by someone like Butch Vig of Nirvana’s “Heart Shape Box” and the band Garbage.

In fact, I would go so far as to say if Rodrigo did go that route that a lot of GenZ people would experience a significant amount of musical future shock. They wouldn’t know what hit’em.

There is another, safer, direction that Rodrigo could go that would be almost just as good — the Nelly Furtado option of teaming up with someone like Timbaland. The album they did together is one of my favorites of the Before Times when some form of pop rock still existed.

And, yet, I doubt this will happen in any way. It’s too risky for an established act to make such an abrupt break with existing musical tastes. If my dream of “Rona Rock” is going to happen, it’s going to happen because a pop rock song becomes unexpectedly popular on Tik-Tok.

Why I Think Mini-Trump Glenn Youngkin Could Win In Virginia


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

The gubernatorial race in Virginia is a prime example of something that is now an alarming political fact of life: we can’t stave off electing fascists forever. Even our barely functioning democracy still has the traditional ebb and flow of one — inevitably, Republicans are going to win major offices again.

It just so happens that it’s Virginia’s turn.

Here’s my back-of-the-envelope reasoning for thinking Glenn Youngkin will probably win the upcoming Virginia gubernatorial race. The first reason is Virginia has had a lot of Democratic governors one right after the other and, just in general, people are probably itching for a change. Advantage, Youngkin.

Meanwhile, he’s really slick. He wants to square the circle by both being a MAGA cocksucker while also having a thin veneer of being a “traditional conservatives Republican” who “gets things done.” This thrills rural voters in Virginia who are as fascist as they come. Virginia is a hotbed of anti-democratic, autocratic sentiment.

As such, he’s probably going to win.

Now, being a fucking MAGA shithead cocksucker, all he cares about is winning and power. That’s it. Once he gets it, he’ll toe the extremist line of any other MAGA cocksucker. He’s repeatedly said as much, and, yet, to date, these statements haven’t gotten any traction outside of the MAGA echo chamber.

As such, the moment he shows his true colors, the majority of Virginians — who are extremely moderate — are going to freak the fuck out. By the time he leaves office, the damage will have been done. The state will be just another polarized state that lies smoldering in its wreckage.

The curve ball in all of this is if Virginia has a MAGA governor when the civil war comes around 2025, well, my predictions that the state would implode if there was a such a war will be pretty prescient.

The Bolts Are Popping Off The United States At An Alarming Rate


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

There seems to be two types of people at the moment — those who see that the United States is careening towards a dark and unknown future, and those who don’t. The thing about the modern Republican Party is the most surreal, extreme position of the ultra Far Right is now their baseline position.

And all of this happening in the broad daylight.

Ultimately, what may happen is we’ll become an autocracy and most of the country won’t notice or care. They won’t care until, of course, it becomes personal and then they’ll care A LOT. But for the most part, America will become a nation of Good Germans who know to keep their heads down, “play by the rules” and just be happy they don’t risk being “canceled” in any way ever again.

It’s loudmouth people like me who have had the luxury of being able to be very vocal kooks because I live in a free country who will suffer. The autocracy is not an abstract for me — in very real, concrete terms, I know I may die at the hand of a ICE agent if the United States becomes a traditional autocracy. That sucks. At least for me.

Another thing is, all the policies that MAGA Republicans so desperately want to enact to “make America great again” are almost universally politically destabilizing. They want an America where only the poors pay taxes. The States already suffer from severe income inequality — just wait until we turn into a first world version of Brazil.

This is where we have to be honest with ourselves. If we are, then we will realize that there’s a decent chance that there will, in fact, be a civil war of some sort in the United States at some point in the next, say, decade. WMD will be used and we’re going to bomb the wealthiest, most powerful nation in the world into the stone age by our own fucking hands.

If this does happen — it may not, we may just peacefully become an autocracy — then WW3 will happen too and billions will die around the globe. Our only hope is after the dust clears the “good guys” will have won and a new international system will be established. Hopefully, it won’t be too late for us to do something about global climate change and humanity will, at last, start to the think collectively on a global scale.

Who am I kidding. That will never happen. We’re doomed.

Tay-Tay, Girl, You Need To Grow Up


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’m going through a Taylor Swift phase again via my Spotify account and I’m struck by sensitive she is. This is a good thing when it comes to her writing and having an emotional connection to her mostly female audience. And, yet, it seems she’s hurting her career by in album after album pumping out fan service.

She has a great voice. She’s a great performer — Swift can dance 10 times better than Dua Lipa. And she seems pretty self-aware (at times.) She’s dabbled in more adult, mainstream pop — to great success — so it’s not like she can’t do it. But come on, lady, you’re not 22 anymore. You’re a grown ass woman.

You need to be a little bit more edgy. Female rappers are do a lot of creative, interesting things. It wouldn’t hurt Tay-Tay to swerve into some of the conspicuous raunchiness of the rap world. I mean, Ariana Grande has made a whole career in adult contemporary music telling me in excruciating detail how horny she is.

Now, I don’t honestly expect her to do this. No matter how old she — or her fanbase — gets. At the moment, there’s a lot of alluded to sexuality in her lyrics and a lot of “tee-hee I like to drink” references here and there. But Swift would have to produce a “missing link” album for her to be able to do a colab with one of the very talented, interesting female rappers out there. If she made a clean break from her training bra music oeuvre a lot of girls and young women would be heart broken and burst into tears. Not Tay-Tay!

What’s most likely to happen is Swift is going to be a huge, huge star for decades and then at some point in her mid-40s, she will come out with a really provocative album that gets a lot of buzz outside of her core group of fans…and then she turns around and goes back to doing exactly what she’s been doing for decades.

All of this raises the question — am I asking Swift to sell out? I don’t think so. I’m asking her to grow up and challenge her audience and fan base — and maybe herself. I’m still not 100% sure she’s not a virgin. Though she occasionally shoots out a sexxy music video, in general, she’s every white parent’s ideal new member of the family. There’s a reason why Swift had to go way out of her way to say, “I am not a white nationalist.”

And, yet, the case could be made that she serves a purpose in our culture — she’s the exact center of pop culture. She has enough talent not to be boring, but she’s always going to circle the exact center of the pop music world.

Anyway. No one listens to me.

Minority MAGA Republican Rule (Or A Civil War) Is Now Inevitable


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Traditional American liberal democracy is beyond saving. All the pieces are in place for an autocrat to be elected by hook or by crook in 2024. Since form follows function, within a few years there will be a Constitutional Convention, the media will be purged, the existing ICE infrastructure will be weaponized and I will be pushed out a window.

Or we have a civil war.

We’re way pass the point of no return. The Republican Party has been completely consumed by the fascist MAGA faction to the point that we are left with no wiggle room. If the Republican Party at any point in the future has it within their power to negate a Democrat win, they will. This is now a law of political physics. An absolute.

And if that doesn’t happen, we have some sort of civil war and use WMD against our fellow Americans. Again, that’s the only option. I just don’t know when we’re presented with that particular choice.

Of course, the argument can be made that if MAGA belly flops in 2022 off-year elections then maybe, maybe they might not have absolute control of the Republican Party. But if you give that any thought, you realize there are two major problems with this wishful thinking. One, lulz. Two, even if Trump himself is seen as the loser he obviously is, there are a half dozen would-be autocrats waiting in the wings to do exactly the same thing he did only without him — Trumpism without Trump.

America is “about to go through some things” as they say. We’re fucked. On a macro political history level, we’re totally, utterly fucked. This is the end. I don’t have any easy answers as to what you can do to prepare. If I did, I’d be working for VOX or New York Magazine.

But we’re in for a very bumpy few years with no obvious endgame between the two existential choices of autocracy or civil war.

Chelsea Handler: DM Me, Babe


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I was listening to Kara Swisher’s New York Times‘ podcast Sway where she was interviewing comic Chelsea Handler and something occurred to me: Handler and I would have a great time on a date.

All I want is one date. I’m a broke ass aspiring novelist at this point, but she and I could paint the town red given the opportunity. We’re peers in age and I really enjoy her brash style. I don’t think she drinks that much, but I do and I think given the opportunity that A Good Time Would Be Had By All.

But let me stress how fucking broke I am. It’s not like I could even buy her dinner at a good New York City restaurant. And, yet, I’m a good-to-great conversationalist and the evening would definitely be interesting to say the least. We could go to my favorite karaoke dive bar in the East Village, Sing Sing Ave. A.

I don’t live in NYC (not anywhere near it) but I know how to get there. Let me know, babe.

We Have Got To Talk About Sen. Marsha Blackburn


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Tennessee Sen. Marsha Blackburn has go to be one of the most dangerous Senators. Apparently, she was some sort of “image consultant” before becoming a Senator and it shows — she definitely manages her own image as a MAGA diehard ding-dong.

She’s of interest to me because she’s one of numerous elected MAGA officials that I believe would actually take the final step of leaving the Federal government to be the basis of some sort of Trumplandia government. Because, really, isn’t that where this is all heading? That’s the final step in this tragic political melodrama.

If Red States start to leave the Union, Sen. Blackburn and others are going to form a rump US government somewhere like Mobile. Though, given how a race war will have likely erupted in the South by that point, where exactly would they meet? Trump’s place in Florida? Appomattox in Virginia? Somewhere in the Mountain area?

Anyway, Sen. Blackburn definitely seems about as politically craven as they come. And, really, the scary part of all of this is it’s not like she’s an outlier. A huge swath of the elected Republican Party has — at least relative to me — fucking lost their minds.

They no longer believe in America’s traditional liberal democracy and (apparently) want to turn the United States into something akin to the autocratic managed democracy found in Russia. (Ugh.) And, really, at the moment, I don’t see anything stopping them.

I will, in fact, be flabbergasted if we go the other (even more painful direction) and have a civil war of some sort so at least the dying embers of democracy have at least a fighting chance of renewal.

Regardless, we have to accept that the United States is careening towards an extremely unstable era in its history.