Keep An Eye On Millie Bobby Brown

by Shelt Garner

I’ve already done a Twitter video on this, but lulz, here goes. The thing that getting older gives you is perspective. And I definitely can remember how strange it seemed to me in the 1990s when all these “older” women were in Playboy. But now, as someone in my early 50s, it makes total sense.

It’s a prime example of how you can get what you want after you really don’t want it anymore. I mean, if someone like Britney Spears was in Playboy, I would totally buy it. She was always rather elusive when I was younger and seeing her Playboy would be pretty hot.

Anyway, the point is — for a lot of younger people, Millie Bobby Brown is a cultural touchstone because they were going through adolescence when they first encountered her. So, the idea that Brown might let slip a little T&A (or more!) for the sake of her career would be A Big Deal for them.

I’ve seen a number of signs that she’s about to break out the nudity pretty soon. Remember, I’m saying this not as a Creepy Old Man, but as someone who knows what it’s like to be young and then get older.

I will note that young people are so fucking prudish compared to earlier generations. They have all this access to hard-core porn…and they are shocked SHOCKED by a little T&A in their mainstream movies.

Ugh. It’s so fucking annoying.

While we’re talking about such things, there is one person who would break the Internet if she did ANY form of T&A — Taylor Swift. It would be jaw dropping if she decided to change her image just a little bit and be a normal human being to the public by showing a little T&A here or there. She’s done faux nudity in a video, but, really, she’s been very chaste.

She’s managed to get away with it because her audience is mostly liberal white women. BUT there will come a point when she kind of reaches a fork in the road if she wants to EGOT. If she wants an Oscar, she’s going to have to gift us some T&A in some way. And that doesn’t even begin to address the issue of her needed / wanting to get married and have a baby or two.

Her base is growing older and doing fucking normal things like settling down, there’s going to come a point where Tay-Tay is going to have to figure out if she’s going to follow suit or not.

Taylor Swift: A Modern Day Lesley Gore?

by Shelt Garner

Let me be clear, despite all the breathless speculation on the part of any number of Swifties on Tik-Tok, I’m just not willing to take seriously the idea that Taylor Swift is some sort of modern day Lesley Gore.

Gore, as you my recall, was a huge ‘mo back in the Bad Old Days. She had a brief, spectacular career in the 60s.

Before I continue, I’m not any sort of Tay-Tay superfan, so I’m going to just give you what I know off the top of my head. This whole subject just isn’t that important to me.

Here goes nothing.

My current theory of the case is, given the available lyterical evidence, it’s reasonable to assume that it’s at least possible that Tay-Tay is “queer.” She’s not gay, but she has, on occasion, fooled around women and formed significant emotional bonds with these women that she has, in turn, written about.

Tay-Tay, being a heartfelt artist, uses these feelings to power her art. The reason why Tay-Tay keeps what’s going on so oblique and obscure is she wants be just another high powered, wealthy member of the elite who fucks who she wants to fuck without 10,000 word think pieces in The New Yorker about “What Does It All Mean That America’s Sweetheart is Gay?”

I don’t think we Poors properly understand how blase and accepted same-sex relationships — especially between women — are among the Elites. To even make note of it is gouache. As such, I suspect that within her small circle of friends, her “Squad” if you will, her bi-sexual proclivities are well known and never spoken of.

I will note a few things from Tay-Tay’s lyrics. One, it definitely SEEMS as though the song “Dress” is written about her wanting to fuck a woman — probably Karlie Kloss if I have my sequence of events right. Also, it is very interesting that Tay-Tay would make reference to “Lavender Haze” when the term “Lavender Aunt” is well-known euphemism for a gay aunt.

Very curious.

So, I think what’s going on is the whole “Gaylor” issue comes from a “lost in translation” situation between the Elites and the Poors. We rubes want to ascribe to Tay-Tay some of the meta elements of her potentially sleeping with the occasional woman which simply aren’t really applicable. There’s no deeper political or cultural element to what’s going on with her and women. She’s just a wealthy, culturally powerful woman who, on occasion, shares her bed with a person of the same sex.

If it’s even happening.

Forget Pete Davidson, When is Taylor Swift Dating Cara Delevingne?

by Shelt Garner

I’m enjoying some whiskey this quiet Sunday evening and so, lulz, I find my inebriated mind pondering the question of the ages: so, is Tay-Tay going to date Cara Delevingne now?

The thing about Tay-Tay is she is the exact center of modern white heteronormative pop culture. An entire generation of (white) (liberal) women have projected all their hopes, dreams and aspirations onto Tay-Tay to a ridiculous degree.

As such, there is a lot to unpack about what Tay-Tay might do next with her romantic life. I’m fond of Tay-Tay because from her lyrics — she’s obviously sex-positive and loves to drink — just like me! So, obviously, she’s just another human being like all of us.

So, all things equal, she should be allowed to go through a “slut era” like Emrata. But, alas, because of all those liberal white women feeling broody it may be that Tay-Tay just doesn’t feel she can go around banging a series of high profile men like Emrata.

If she did something which would be perfectly understandable, the Wall Street Journal (or The New Yorker) would be writing long tirades about how the woke cancel culture mob and feminism is turning even Tay-Tay into a slut. What does it all mean? The headlines would scream if Tay-Tay was seen conspicuously bouncing from man to man for a few months.

But, wait, it gets worse.

If Tay-Tay decide to make her long-rumored “queer” side official, the amount of verbiage written by “thinkers” in the mass media would be astonishing. It is very easy for center-Right people to assume Tay-Tay is one of them because of, well, the way she looks. This is true to the point that Tay-Tay has to go way, way, way out of her way to MAGA fascists they have it all wrong.

So, but for how MAGA fascists would freak the fuck out, I could totally see Tay-Tay dating someone like Cara Delevingne. I think it would be sweet and fun if she did, and given how many songs St. Vincent wrote about Delevingne, maybe we might get some music out of the whole thing. And, what’s more the two women are already pretty close — Delevingne was a member of Tay-Tay’s “squad” back in the day.

I still don’t know what might — or might not — have happened between Tay-Tay and Karli Koss. There was a moment there when it definitely SEEMED like they were fucking. But at the same time, whatever they were doing, they did in a way that gave them the plausible deniability of just being “good friends.”

And, remember, the idea of a same-sex relationship between two women being something to even notice is a construct of we Poors. Within the elite worlds of fashion and Hollywood to even raise an eyebrow about two women dating is considered extremely gouache and low class.

Anyway, the point is — while it would be cool and all if Tay-Tay went a little nuts and bed hopped with both men and women, I suspect that’s just not going to happen. The poor woman can’t even get married and drop a few kids without it being THE CENTER OF DEBATE on editorial pages across the world.

Anyway. Thankfully, no one cares what I think.

I Hope Taylor Swift Dates Pete Davidson, Just So We Can Finally Get Her To Release a Rock Album

by Shelt Garner

Jesus Christ, does modern pop music suck. I don’t know how much of this observation is I’m old and how much is it that the economics of modern pop music combined with changes in youth culture mean that music is, in fact, demonstrably worse.

We are overdue for a third wave of Punk music. But to date, at least, it definitely seems, lulz, that’s never going to happen. We’re just going to drift into a sea of bland, meh pop music for the rest of my life.

It definitely seems as though if anyone is going to save us from decades of bland music it’s Taylor Swift. Rumor has it that she produced — but shelved — a rock album called “Karma” for some reason. It definitely seems as though if Tay-Tay dated a bad boy like Pete Davidson that maybe he would inspire her to freak out and do a really great pop rock album.

Or not.

What do I know.

It could be that the economics of pop music — along with all the would be punks being Incels on Reddit — mean not even Tay-Tay could save ourselves from ourselves. It’s all rather curious. It’s as if something I don’t know is warping pop music to the point that rock will never, ever be pop again.


A Hot Take On The Taylor Swift Breakup Rumor

by Shelt Garner

Instead of ranting about my usual “hysterical doom shit,” let’s pause to reflect the most important news of the day — Taylor Swift allegedly breaking up with Joe Alwyn.

H/T The Mirror

The thing about Tay-Tay is she is not only an aspirational figure for millions of women around the globe, she is also the exact center of Western pop culture. So, whatever might happen because of this breakup could have some significant pop culture implications.

Off the top of my head, I can’t help but think about how Tay-Tay isn’t getting any younger and, as such, she might start to be on the prowl for a husband-father-to-her-children type guy.

Or, alternately, she might decide to go through her “slut era” and be really aggressive dating a lot of different guys — and women? — before she finally settles down again. I mean, hell, if Emrata can date a string of high profile dudes during a few short months, so can Tay-Tay. (I find this potential scenario very, very dubious.)

And I doubt that Tay-Tay would totally freak out and date Pete Davidson, as much she might like to take a walk on the wild side like that. Her fanbase would explode into tears of Tay-Tay dated a bad boy like Pete Davidson. Or, heck, if she was even seen in his general vicinity anytime soon.

Alternately, if Tay-Tay wanted to placate a certain small, but vocal part of her fanbase, she would date Cara Delevingne, who was already a member of Tay-Tay’s “squad.” That would be one way to keep her name in the public eye a really mind-blowing manner.

But given what little I know about Tay-Tay’s preferences, she will probably pick a safe soy-boy like dude who is non-threatening just like Alwyn. But I will note that Tay-Tay makes no bones about being a sexual being — at least in her music — so it’s within the realm of possibility that she might freak out in some way and do something really interesting and thought provoking with her love life.

All I ask is whatever she does, she releases a rock album because of the experience.

Of The Taylor Swift Ticketmaster Debacle & The Corrosive Nature Of Negative Polarization

by Shelt Garner

Some time ago, I had a intense conversation with my Traditionalist relative about who fucked up the live concert ticketing marketplace was. My relative fucking hates any form of regulation and sometimes I think he would like to outlaw stop signs just to “own the libs.”

I TRIED to prove a point with him — all his complaints about how fucked up the ticketing process was could probably be solved with government regulation.

But he would have none of it. The siren call of negative polarization was just too much. Even though I find myself succumbing to negative polarization a lot these days, I fucking hate it. I hate it because it’s a sign that the politics of our once stable democratic republic are all but dead.

I say this because imagine this scenario — instead of embracing fascism, Traditionalists were willing to join forces with people they despise like AOC just long enough to weather the storm of ascendant MAGA autocracy.

But that is just not to be.

We’re careening towards a very, very dark future. We’re past the Event Horizon for autocracy, civil war or military junta. Now, let me be clear — I’m always, always wrong. And what will probably happen is initially, once a fucking Republican fascist becomes POTUS, it will seem like nothing will chance.

And THEN, things will gradually change in ways large and small and about 1 million wealthy liberals will leave the country, never to be seen again. That, at least, seems to be our immutable fate at the moment. But something unexpected might step in to at least punt the problem down the road at least one more presidential election cycle.

But the point is — not even a bunch of Swifties being angry can overcome the corrosive nature of negative polarization. There is an extensive permission structure for Traditionalists to vote fascist rather than join forces with the center-Left and, as such, we’re fucked.

‘Gaylor:’ Is Taylor Swift Queer?

by Shelt Garner

Is Taylor Swift gay? The simple answer is, no, what the fuck are you talking about? The more nuanced answer is: she’s probably had sex with a few women and she’s such an emotional blabbermouth that she can’t keep her queer lust to herself and so she writes songs about said women.

Now, the key thing you and I as Poors and rubes have to appreciate is within the rarified heights of power and wealth that Tay-Tay inhabits same-sex relationships — especially between women — are so normalized and commonplace that, lulz, you’re telling on yourself if you think Taylor Swift fucking Karlie Kloss means squat.

Remember, the key to this particular situation are the songs that Tay-Tay swift wrote that definitely seem to be about a woman, not a man. The song “Dress” comes to mind, specifically, as a song that my gut instinct is — she’s talking about fucking Karlie Kloss.

The reason is — the song doesn’t give any sort of gender designation to the person it’s addressed to AND there is a lot of emphasis on “dress.” My writer’s mind tells me that if you were someone like Tay-Tay and you wanted to run around emotionally naked in your art banging away at the word “dress” in your lyrics is exactly the way you would convey the idea to your fans that the person you’re talking about fucking isn’t a man.

But the key thing that proponents of “gaylor” have to remember is just because Tay-Tay probably fucked a few women doesn’t mean she’s gay. She was just having fun, maybe experimenting. And that moment in her life is over now. She has a boyfriend and Kloss is married.

It’s too easy for Poors — like me — to get way, way too excited about someone as all-American as Tay-Tay banging a woman. Just because she’s experienced the Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name, doesn’t mean you should expect her to start publically dating Cara Delevingne.

Now, obviously Tay-Tay’s “people,” and her publicity machine have decided it’s in her best interests to mind fuck her fans by leading them to believe that she’s “queer” when she’s nothing of the sort. Tay-Tay seems quite content with her boyfriend and that’s that.

What Are We To Make Of Tay-Tay?

by Shelt Garner

I’m drunk, so please excuse me talking about this again. But the issue with Taylor Swift is her peers, like Beyonce, are coming out with really provocative, interesting albums…and Tay-Tay…is doing fan service.

The thing about fan service is it’s an issue of limiting returns. There’s going to come a point where Tay-Tay is 40-ish and she realizes that she’s not getting any younger and her fans don’t even think about listening to her stuff. Call it “Neil Diamond Syndrome.”

If Tay-Tay is lazy and doesn’t occasionally challenge her fan base, then they are probably going to take her for granted. As such, Tay-Tay will be nothing more than an Elvis for wealthy white liberal women. She’ll wake up at 45 very wealthy, very content, but completely irrelevant. Then she freaks out and does a weird pop rock album which album art that show an eye popping amount of T&A.

Anyway. I just don’t see Tay-Tay caring. Why do anything to challenge a fan base that loves her so much that they go out of their way to find hidden messages in her every twitch?

The point is — Tay-Tay is going to change. And if she does, her fan base is going to burst into flames.

Taylor Swift Is So Frustrating

by Shelt Garner

Taylor Swift’s appeal, of course, is she’s sort of a white liberal woman’s Every Woman. They can imbue on Tay-Tay all their man hating and woke cancel culture mob dreams. Tay-Tay is a “safe space” for women who on one hand hate on men and on the other marry the exact type of guy you would expect them to marry — a stable guy who will provide.

As a non-typical Tay-Tay fan, I find Swift very frustrating. She has all this potential, and yet, she squanders it on fan service. It’s rather rare for her to think outside the box and do something honestly provocative. And when she does do such a thing, it’s because she’s mad. The last time she did it, she was mad at Kanye.

Anyway, I really like Tay-Tay and I wish her the best. But it sure would be nice if she would shock her fans and, say, put out a rock album. And / or be in a movie where she showed a little bit more skin than they expected.

And, yet, she definitely has a vested interest in being the Neil Diamond of modern liberal white women. Why mess with something that’s not broken?

Excuse the rant. I’m drunk and in a very bad mood.

Tay-Tay’s ‘All Too Well’ Is Just Her Interpretation Of ‘Paradise By The Dashboard Light’

by Shelt Garner

For various personal reasons, I find myself listening to Taylor Swift’s 10 minute version of “All Too Well” over and over and over again. It’s a good to great song. Very easy to listen to.

But there comes a point where you, as the audience want to say, “Ok, we get it, you want your fucking red scarf back.”

Now, to Tay-Tay’s base the song is about how all men are trash and how Tay-Tay would have been better off scissoring with Karlie Kloss in the privacy of their New York City apartment.

But, I have a different hot take on this song.

I think it’s nothing more than her personal version of Meatloaf’s version of Paradise By The Dashboard Light. She’s saying to the audience that it sucks to grow up…but, in the end, she doesn’t regret allowing Jake Gyllenhaal to punch her v-card. It’s all rather muddled in the song, obviously, but “All Too Well” is very wistful and melancholy, but the over all vibe is definitely the very end of Paradise By The Dashboard Light. The. Very. End.

“It was long ago and far away and so much better than it is today,” that song says at the very, very end.

So, all the Tay-Tay fanbase hate towards Jake Gyllenhaal is extremely misguided. Yes, I know, she wanted to keep her virginity until she got married, but I think that says more about who Tay-Tay was at the time that she dated Gyllenhaal than who she is at the time she wrote “All Too Well.”

Anyway, I guess I just I just find Tay-Tay’s fan base a little annoying. We all know no matter how much you purport to hate men that you’re going to settle down with an accountant! That’s what hot chicks do!

Regardless, no harm, no foul.