What Are We To Make Of Tay-Tay?

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’m drunk, so please excuse me talking about this again. But the issue with Taylor Swift is her peers, like Beyonce, are coming out with really provocative, interesting albums…and Tay-Tay…is doing fan service.

The thing about fan service is it’s an issue of limiting returns. There’s going to come a point where Tay-Tay is 40-ish and she realizes that she’s not getting any younger and her fans don’t even think about listening to her stuff. Call it “Neil Diamond Syndrome.”

If Tay-Tay is lazy and doesn’t occasionally challenge her fan base, then they are probably going to take her for granted. As such, Tay-Tay will be nothing more than an Elvis for wealthy white liberal women. She’ll wake up at 45 very wealthy, very content, but completely irrelevant. Then she freaks out and does a weird pop rock album which album art that show an eye popping amount of T&A.

Anyway. I just don’t see Tay-Tay caring. Why do anything to challenge a fan base that loves her so much that they go out of their way to find hidden messages in her every twitch?

The point is — Tay-Tay is going to change. And if she does, her fan base is going to burst into flames.

Taylor Swift Is So Frustrating

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Taylor Swift’s appeal, of course, is she’s sort of a white liberal woman’s Every Woman. They can imbue on Tay-Tay all their man hating and woke cancel culture mob dreams. Tay-Tay is a “safe space” for women who on one hand hate on men and on the other marry the exact type of guy you would expect them to marry — a stable guy who will provide.

As a non-typical Tay-Tay fan, I find Swift very frustrating. She has all this potential, and yet, she squanders it on fan service. It’s rather rare for her to think outside the box and do something honestly provocative. And when she does do such a thing, it’s because she’s mad. The last time she did it, she was mad at Kanye.

Anyway, I really like Tay-Tay and I wish her the best. But it sure would be nice if she would shock her fans and, say, put out a rock album. And / or be in a movie where she showed a little bit more skin than they expected.

And, yet, she definitely has a vested interest in being the Neil Diamond of modern liberal white women. Why mess with something that’s not broken?

Excuse the rant. I’m drunk and in a very bad mood.

Tay-Tay’s ‘All Too Well’ Is Just Her Interpretation Of ‘Paradise By The Dashboard Light’

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

For various personal reasons, I find myself listening to Taylor Swift’s 10 minute version of “All Too Well” over and over and over again. It’s a good to great song. Very easy to listen to.

But there comes a point where you, as the audience want to say, “Ok, we get it, you want your fucking red scarf back.”

Now, to Tay-Tay’s base the song is about how all men are trash and how Tay-Tay would have been better off scissoring with Karlie Kloss in the privacy of their New York City apartment.

But, I have a different hot take on this song.

I think it’s nothing more than her personal version of Meatloaf’s version of Paradise By The Dashboard Light. She’s saying to the audience that it sucks to grow up…but, in the end, she doesn’t regret allowing Jake Gyllenhaal to punch her v-card. It’s all rather muddled in the song, obviously, but “All Too Well” is very wistful and melancholy, but the over all vibe is definitely the very end of Paradise By The Dashboard Light. The. Very. End.

“It was long ago and far away and so much better than it is today,” that song says at the very, very end.

So, all the Tay-Tay fanbase hate towards Jake Gyllenhaal is extremely misguided. Yes, I know, she wanted to keep her virginity until she got married, but I think that says more about who Tay-Tay was at the time that she dated Gyllenhaal than who she is at the time she wrote “All Too Well.”

Anyway, I guess I just I just find Tay-Tay’s fan base a little annoying. We all know no matter how much you purport to hate men that you’re going to settle down with an accountant! That’s what hot chicks do!

Regardless, no harm, no foul.

A Hot Take On Tay-Tay

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Where to begin with Taylor Swift. She’s gorgeous. She’s very talented. She’s a great writer and singer…but she seems to love, love, love doing nothing more than fan service.

In the past, she’s occasionally come out with an album that was interesting beyond her core group of fans. But such things are few and far between. She’s one of the biggest artists in the world and she drops huge albums…and…nothing? They placate her ever-older base. She doesn’t really take much of a creative risk.

Tay-Tay has such potential as a traditional pop-rock artist. Just imagine if Tay-Tay released a dance pop rock album. It would be huge. She could leverage her traditional fan base in conjunction with other Zoomers who would be ecstatic at such a vibe shift album.

But that’s just not to be. Nothing fun ever happens. Ugh.

Tay-Tay Needs To Produce A Rock Album

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

The rumor on Tik-Tok is Taylor Swift has a secret rock album in the vault called “Karma” that has never been released. The thing about Tay-Tay is she is the exact center of pop culture. What’s more, the only person who plays to their base more is Donald Fucking Trump.

Tay-Tay comes out with huge songs that…just don’t make much of a splash beyond her rock solid base. I mean, other than a Swifty, has anyone listened to her latest song “Carolina?”

No. They haven’t.

Tay-Tay is well on her way to becoming the Elvis of women who say they hate men, then turn around and marry Some Dude With A Good Job who is Stable and Will Provide. She’s going to just play to the base well unto her 40s and 50s.

But, I wish she would come out with that Karma album. She can write a pop banger and it wouldn’t take a lot of effort for her to veer off into rock. But I just don’t see it happening.

Tay-Tay has no reason to change anything. She’s doing quite well with what she’s doing at the moment.

Millie Bobby Brown & The Creation of Reality

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I used to read the old Gawker religiously and they were always exposing the true marketing origins of viral moments. So, let’s break down why it’s highly likely that Millie Bobby Brown being photographed in pretty much standard issue bikinis were all part of a plan to transition her into adult roles.

Millie Bobby Brown

Before I begin, I would like to note that another person — Taylor Swift — got snapped in a bikini with her boyfriend but the pictures were taken from far away and grainy. Almost as if…Tay-Tay didn’t want the pictures taken.

Ok, Ms. Brown has just turned 18 in February and she’s in this weird era in her career where to date the audience has seen her as a “kid in danger” on Stranger Things. So, Ms. Brown has two routes to shake things up and remind the audience that she’s not a child anymore — run around with no clothes on in a rather shocking manner — the Miley Cyrus Option, if you will, or do what she did “accidently on purpose” get snapped in “a bikini.”

She’s a public figure — just to go outside in just a standard issue bikini probably involved a “team” meeting unto itself. Or not, she may have just had a brief chat with her folks. Anyway, no way she would go on a boat with her boyfriend so close to shore that it was easy to get clear shots of her without her thinking way in advance that this very thing would happen.

The only reason why I mention any of this again is I got a surprising number of pings from exotic locals (probably entertainment people on vacation) and this whole thing taps into my personal annoyance with how much of what we call “reality” is actually constructed. Or, if not constructed, at least “managed.”

And I’m not suggesting anything too sinister. And I know all about how MAGA New Right people are always flipping out about the “media narrative.” Anyway, the point is — a lot of the modern world is managed by PR people who know that most people don’t have the time to think through where a viral moment may have really come from.

I’m Impressed With Millie Bobby Brown’s Personal Brand Management

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I don’t think I’m being too jaded to point out that all these pictures we’re seeing of Millie Bobby Brown on vacation in rather modest bikinis is part of her soft transition to adult hood. Unlike many young starlets who freaked the fuck out once they were 18, she’s figured out a way to change people’s perception of her while simply wearing bikinis.

Millie Bobby Brown

She must have known the paps would take pictures of her and, as such, she wore the bikinis she wore simply to get adults to think of her as, well, an adult. Now that everyone has seen her in a bikini, casting directors are probably going to be a lot more open to putting her in more mature roles.

Which, of course, makes me think of Taylor Swift and how she HASN’T managed herself as well. While she’s occasionally wore more provocative clothing, Tay-Tay showing some T&A for a movie role would make her fanbase melt down into hysterics. Even though both she and they are no longer children anymore. Hollywood is an industry and, as such, if Tay-Tay wants bigger mainstream roles, she might have to – gasp — show a little bit more skin than her fanbase is accustomed to seeing.

But back to Ms. Brown.

She has excellent management, is all I gotta say. She’s always worn more adult clothing — sometimes to the point that I have found myself cringing — and now she’s very much in the position to become just another big name Hollywood star without going through that weird transitional phase that has haunted other young starlets.

Tove Lo Continues To Impress Me & She Should Collaborate With Taylor Swift

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Rumor has it that Taylor Swift has an unreleased rock album called “Karma.” It makes me very sad that such a thing might exist and we will never get to hear it. But, barring the release of that mythical album, I wish Tay-Tay would collaborate with Tove Lo.

Tove Lo

Tove Lo is really, really good. She has a knack for producing a dance pop rock song. She’s produced banger after banger. And Tay-Tay would benefit greatly from tapping into Tove Lo’s edge and come out with an album that was not, exclusively, fan service.

Tay-Tay is so obsessed with fan service that she’s kind of put herself in a creative corner. Neither she nor her fanbase are getting any younger and there’s going to come a point when she hits 40 and she’s still producing really popular music…that only serves her millions of now-very adult female fans. While I often say Tay-Tay is the exact center of pop culture, she serves a very, very narrow spectrum of listeners.

And, to date, that has serve her well. It’s just annoying for me, someone who doesn’t fit her core fan base. Tay-Tay has exceptional ear for writing a pop song and if she teamed with Tove Lo I think they could produce an album that would knock things out of the park.

But what do I know. I’m a middle aged CIS white male. Part of the patriarchy. I shoudl shut up and never say anything about anything — especially Taylor Swift.

So THAT Is What Taylor Swift’s ‘All Too Well’ Is About?

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Ok, so what I suspected is apparently true — the reason why Taylor Swift is so worked up TO THIS DAY about her relationship to Jake Gyllenhaal is he punched her v-card.

Ugh.

So, I suppose, the whole issue with the “scarf” is really her talking about how he took her innocence? Is that what the fuck she’s complaining about? So, just from a brief glance what may have happened via a very lazy Google search — Tay-Tay wanted to keep her virginity until marriage and she was so smitten with Gyllenhaal that she gave it up after three months.

The thing about stories like this is you can never figure out how much of it is image management and how much of it is true. Swift has so much potential to be a really great pop star…and yet she is so wrapped up in fan service when it comes to her music that she continues to produce just…meh…music.

And, I get it. All her fans are woke and they publicly rant about how much they hate men then turn around and date the biggest fucking assholes they can get their hands on. So, they see Tay-Tay as a vessel for that idologiy. If only evil Jake Gyllenhaal had kept it penis to himself, then Tay-Tay could have kept her v-card and maybe even never had heterosexual sex and live happily ever after with Karli Kloss like she was meant to be.

Jesus Christ.

What I think really happen — as a CIS white male who should never say anything about anything — is was fucking inevitable that Tay-Tay was going to have sex and some of her complaining in “All Too Well” is kind of like her version of Meatloaf’s “Paradise by The Dashboard Light.”

Swift is very sensitive and awkward and she struggles with what it means to be a woman who’s had sex and so she writes 10 minute songs about it.

Taylor Swift & The Strange Case Of The Dog That Hasn’t Barked


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I only write this because I’ve been listening to Taylor Swift’s Reputation on repeat on Spotify and I kind of have her on the mind. Anyway, the thing about Swift is she the exact center of mass media, of pop culture. She also is an avatar for the hopes and dreams of a generation or more of American women. As such, there is a curious event (or two) that hasn’t happen.

Tay-Tay

Why hasn’t Taylor Swift had a kid yet?

Or, more specifically, why hasn’t Taylor Swift gotten married and knocked out a few kids.

Her hoards of giddy female fans — Taylor is a regular Oprah in that regard — are beginning to reach that moment in their life when they’re settling down, getting married and starting families. If Swift is to maintain a stranglehold on their devotion and admiration — and stay relatable — she’s going to have to do something similar as well.

Before I go on, I have to address the surreal attempts on the part of Swifties to “prove” that Swift has had lesbian affairs with the likes of Karlie Kloss and others. I believe — especially with Kloss — that these rumors are true. But not in the way Taylor Swift’s fans might want.

I just think Swift and Kloss were modern wealthy celebrity women and, as such, they occasionally slept together out of drunken curiosity if nothing else. It’s my understanding that female same-sex relationships among the elite are so common that even to point them out is trey goche. So any “relationship” that Tay-Tay had with Kloss was far more of a lulz than her fans might think.

Anyway, the key reason why I like Tay-Tay so much is the fact that the’s the center of pop culture. She’s comfort food for the middle brow middle class. She doesn’t really challenge you and occasionally she runs emotionally naked through her lyrics.

It will be interesting to see when she happens to pop out a kid or two.