Tag: Burn Hollywood Burn

Oh Lort, Is Phoebe Waller-Bridge A Babe


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Let’s talk about the curious case of Phoebe Waller-Bridge. Relative to Hollywood metrics of beauty, she’s something of a square peg in a round hole. But relative to, like, normal people, she’s a smoking hot babe. In my mind, at least, she’s a smoking hot babe. She has a certain élan to her that isn’t easily pinned down.

Babe.

Ms. Waller-Bridge is so unique, out there and creative that she always keeps you guessing. And what could be more sexy than that? She’s so interesting just by being herself that audiences can really relate to her in a way they can’t with some more established stars.

She probably has a great Hollywood career ahead of her. I could see her being a stable of romcoms for years to come. Though, I also think she would play a great Dr. Susan Calvin from the I, Robot short stories. But I think that says more about my eagerness for one of those short stories to be turned into a movie than anything else.

One thing I find interesting is how she seems to be glowing up right now while another one of my celebrity crushes, Alexa Chung, seems a bit long in tooth. Not to say Ms. Chung isn’t still gorgeous, but the difference in mentality between Ms. Waller-Bridge and Ms. Chung is striking. Ms. Waller-Bridge seems to be getting younger while Ms. Chung is definitely looking a very attractive 35-ish.

Still a classic babe.

Anyway. I have to think of something to make myself feel better than now that fucking Trump has been acquitted by the Senate. I will say, in passing, that one of my novel’s female characters is inspired by Ms. Waller-Bridge. But the connection is extremely tenuis beyond what’s going on in my head when I write the character.

Ava: A Half-Assed, Partial Review


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Yet again I tried to watch a movie and stopped at just about the inciting incident. I do this all the fucking time. This time, it was with the movie Ava. The issue with this movie, the reason why I stopped watching it so early, is I just didn’t care about the characters.

And, in a sense, it was very bland.

It’s structure, at least, was very cookie cutter. What’s so wild is how another, similar movie, Atomic Blonde, pulled me in right away with almost no backstory. Within moments of Atomic Blonde starting, I was hooked. I wanted to see what happened to the characters.

But with Ava…meh.

It just seemed like a rote tale that went by the numbers. So much so that I realized it would be a waste of time to keep watching it and stopped. There were a few character touches that I appreciated, but overall the actual story was blah, blah, blah, I’ve seen it all before.

My Hot Take On Olivia Wilde


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Not that anyone cares, but here’s my take on Olivia Wilde and Harry Styles.. First, I just don’t care. They’re both hot and so what if she’s older than he is. More power to her.

What does bother me about Ms. Wilde, however, is to this middle-aged man, she can come across as too cute by half when it comes to how Hollywood perceives her appearance. Don’t get me wrong — she’s both gorgeous and talented.

But I’ve seen interviews with her where she is shocked (shocked!) that Hollywood casting agents would want her to look hotter. I mean, oh, come on, give me a break. Hollywood is an industry (Double Dees, Double Dees, as SNL would say) and it grates on my nerves that someone as smart as Ms. Wilde would act like it was a big deal that Hollywood — gasp — had sex on its brain all the time.

The whole point of Hollywood is a mixture of sex, money making, storytelling and glamor that allows idiots like me two hours of escape. I really fucking hated Ms. Wilde’s movie Booksmart because I felt it was insulting me for various reasons. From it’s self-conscious selection of a Plain Jane protagonist to the scene where there’s screeching about lesbian sex positions, I bounce from that movie theatre at just about the inciting incident.

But I was shamed by my liberal-progressive echo chamber into seeing it. I left the movie theatre with an overarching desire to watch Heathers again.

Anyway, I think I wouldn’t be so upset about Booksmart if it was a better story. I just wasn’t the audience. I went into the movie without any expectations and when it became way to self-aware about the Male Gaze and the patriarchy, I said fuck this. There is this thing called “subtext” where you can rant about such things all you want and still tell a good story.

But having said all that, Ms. Wilde is great. I wish her luck. I would take it easy on the browbeating audience members like me with the idology, though. Try to tell better stories. The rest will come naturally.

Hollywood, ‘Fleabag’ & The Strange Case of The Dog That Didn’t Bark


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Looking back over all my ranting about Trumplandia, there’s one thing that really shocks me — we never got a “Network” for that era. It’s surreal. It’s almost as if Hollywood was scared to touch the epic shitshow that was happening all around us for four years.

For much of Trumplandia, the case could be made that it just takes time to develop and produce a movie. But in the four years of Trumplandia, we never once got a movie that directly referenced the insane situation we were in. And, really, in a sense it was Phoebe Waller-Bridges’ “Fleabag” that gave us the catharsis we needed.

How many times during Trumplandia did we collectively want to look at the camera of life with one of Fleabag’s expressions?

Now that Trumplandia has fallen, it does raise the question of will art ever address it. The novel I’m developing and writing hopes to do that, but the context growing very, very different every day. I struggle with how to tell the story I’ve always wanted without it seeming extremely dated.

The issue, I think, is to make the story a good as possible and also to really lean on character. If I can just make it a good story set in a specific moment in time — like, say “Ladybird,” then some of the more potentially dated aspects of the story will be “hidden” by how good the story is unto itself.

I really have a huge amount of reading to do, but I also have to put-up or shut-up. They say your first draft is meant to be shit, and so now that I have the structure of the story down pat, as soon as I’m mentally in the right space to do so –which should be very, very soon — I’m going to sit down and start writing a serious first draft. One, I hope, is the best first draft I’ve attempted to date.

But I must admit that I’m on a hair trigger to do something different if I feel I’m forced to. I have maybe three or four solid novel or screenplay concepts rolling around in my mind and if this current novel becomes untenable, I’m going to move on — even if it sucks and will hurt like a bitch.

Yet, that hasn’t happened yet. Gotta keep moving on.

I still think there will be an audience for a novel that wallows in the conventions of Trumplandia.

The Portrayal of Women In My Novel Continues To Weigh On My Mind


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I often talk about how I want this novel to be for “woke Park Slope moms.” Someone told me I was being both “delusional and stupid” to say this and, I guess, I am. But I find it funny.

I guess what I’m saying is with the phrase is I’m really aware of what women in the audience might expect from the novel. I also know that people at Vox, with their received Tik-Tok English wouldn’t even give me a chance.

But my default prediction right now is I’m going to finish this novel, query it, be rejected and then have to self-publish. From the very beginning, I just wanted to go through the process of developing and writing a novel and, as such, that’s exactly what I’m doing.

The Trump Era just gave me the energy, the fucking white hot raged, necessary to do get pass the astonishing learning curve and get this far in the process. I’ve now given myself a very short deadline, so I have to bali bali, as a Korean might say.

But anyway, back to chicks.

I’m trying my hardest to be as empathetic as possible with my female characters. I have no special insight into women, but I am, like, cognizant. I understand that women have needs and wants just like men and the trick is to get close enough to describing those needs wants without making female readers roll their eyes at my cluelessness.

We’ll see, I guess.

#Novel Update


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

  1. After about two years of struggle, the novel is finally where I want it to be. My story telling ability has finally improved to the point that I can “just write” as people kept telling me two years ago.
  2. Things are moving very, very, very fast now. Any delay will simply be that it takes physical time to write a novel as long as I intend this one to be.
  3. Wish me luck.

James Bond Has Really Let Us Down In The Gadget Department


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

My novel is growing far more scfi in nature far earlier than I predicted. Or, put another way, my heroine’s interaction with advanced technology is beginning to become a central part of the plot sooner than expected.

Right now, I have two major issues to deal with — how often we get to see the heroine’s POV and how often the “embraced and extended” gadgets of James Bond I’ve given her influence what she does as part of the plot. I also have the issue of the nattering nabobs of negativism at VOX waiting to pounce on my pop-lit novel if it doesn’t fit their corporate liberal metrics.

But I’m being both “delusional and stupid” about even selling this novel at this point. I’m an untested, unknown male author who probably comes off as just a well-meaning Internet crank if some lit agent looked at my online ID at this point. I can always self-publish if need be.

Anyway, I’m very pleased with the gadgets I’ve come up with for my heroine. They’re very innovative, next generation and kick ass. And, in the second book, some REALLY cool things are going to happen because of them. I’m really into flipping the script as much as possible, so a lot of themes one might expect in a novel such as this are implemented in an unexpected fashion.

I at least hope so.

The point of all of this is I feel the folks at Eon have let James Bond — and us — down. Bond is about girls, gadgets and guns. While the girls are still hot, the gadgets these days are so so. Just turn on the TV for your inspiration. There’s some seriously cool things being cooked up in tech right now, why not use it?

I guess some of it is producers and screenwriters just aren’t woke to some of the cooler things being designed right now. So, I guess, in a sense, I have my in to entertain readers in an unexpected fashion. I’ll put a move on you, as they say.

Male Author Angst


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’m beginning to wonder if, by definition, a man writing a story involving women is “problematic.” I say this as someone you is center-Left and extremely empathetic to many Leftist causes.

It’s just when I see that there are actual people who like crap like “Booksmart” it makes me wonder if I just have to suck it up and do whatever the fuck I want with my novel, damn the consequences. I hated Booksmart with a white hot rage for a number of reasons. One was out Olivia Wilde went way, way, way out of her way to make sure her heroine was a plain Jane. I felt this selection was an insult to the audience.

We go see movies — or novel — for escape. We want to see hot people do hot things that make us laugh, or cry, or have personal catharsis. When someone who is hot like Olivia Wilde specifically picks a plain person in an effort to prove a point about Hollywood and beauty it really fucking grates on my nerves

Hollywood is an industry. “Doubledees, doubledees” as the old SNL skit goes. Or, to put another way, sex sells. I really like Olivia Wilde. She’s smart, attractive and talented woman. But give me a break, lady, you could not possibly have been so naïve as to think the moment you started your career in Hollywood it wouldn’t be more about T&A at some points than your acting ability.

The reason for the above rant is the novel I’m working on. I just want to entertain people. I just want to give them a thought-provoking, allegorical thriller that wallows in Trump Era tropes. But I often find myself mulling some pretty dumb things. Like, why can’t I have a hot heroine? Why can’t she be sex positive? How do I have a really interesting woman without haters at VOX simply telling me I’ve created a thinking man’s “sexy slutty assassin?”

Ugh. Fuck Vox. They’re why we can’t have nice things.

It’s very frustrating. I just can’t win because I’m a member of the patriarchy. Or, put another way, I’m self-aware enough and look at enough Twitter to know that even if I do what I want to do — create strong, interesting female characters — that because I’m a man who hasn’t — uh — lived my life according to the media narrative that I’m inevitably going to be “canceled” for some bullshit reason.

And, yet, all that’s just me venting. I’m really sensitive at times, especially when it comes to my art. I know I’ve come up with a great, great pop-lit novel. If that means I have to endure the slings and arrows of outrageous woke fortune, so be it.

Subscribe to my Soundcloud. Thanks for attending my TEDx Talk.

The Internet Archive Strikes Again


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’m obsessed with my Webstats. I’ve been obsessed with Webstats since at least the 1994-1995 timeframe. Anyway, someone looked at something I just posted on this site using the Internet Archive. It makes me wonder why they would be so interested in the post about why my novel is probably going to be relevant even though the Trump Era is (hopefully) wrapping up.

It’s all very curious.

I honestly can’t help myself when it comes to writing about writing. I’m such an absolute extrovert that I would just be really, really miserable if I went dark on the subject of what I was doing with the novel. So, let the chips fall where they may.

But I’m now moving EXTREMELY FAST with this novel. The first draft should be done — hopefully — a lot sooner than you might think. I keep expecting someone to steal a march on me at any moment. I would be devistated. But I now know how *I* develop a novel, so my replacement project — should it come to that — would not take 2 years to get to the point this novel currently is.

It would be a painful turn around, but it would be very possible to do it pretty quick once I recovered from having this particular dream squashed.

Of Taylor Swift


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I really like Taylor Swift. And, yet, there’s something “hot-but-not-sexy” about her. This, I think, is why she will never have any career in Hollywood. She has a very passionate fanbase who would be flabbergasted in the extreme if she, say, did nudity in a movie to further her career.

And, really, I don’t even think she should worry about it. She’s hitting on all cylinders right now…why change? She probably has a 30+ year career ahead of her — if not more – and she’ll sort of a far more popular version of Shania Twain when she’s in her 40s or 50s.

Though, it might be her natural ambition that gets her in trouble. There’s going to come a point when she’s married and has kids and basic human nature will kick in. She’s going to be, “Fuck it, a little T&A never hurt anyone, right?” I guess what I’m saying is, she could lay the groundwork for that NOW, instead of springing it on her fanbase later.

She’s done a few things here and again to spice her imagine up, but nothing too provocative. And, again, she’s fine. She has no reason to change. She is in the exact center of pop culture right now — no need for her to to an all-female version of Midnight Cowboy or anything.

The only thing I could maybe see causing her to change her imagine some is if, say, Miley Cyrus’ career began to eclipse hers or something. But Ms. Swift is such a gentle, awkward soul that I would be stunned if she did anything, anything at all, to change her imagine.

And I can’t say I blame her.