‘A National Divorce’

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Occasionally, some idiot from the Far Right will tweet about the need for a “national divorce,” one where Red States and Blue States go their separate ways. And I will note that over the last few years, the idea of some sort of National Divorce has drifted down into the thinking of my Traditionalist conservative relatives.

Needless to say, this has to go to be the single dumbest idea.

It’s extremely poorly thought out – or not thought out at all — for a number of reasons. Chief among them being, to propose a “National Divorce” is little more than a political grunt. For all the talk about how good old boys are innovative and will pick up the economic slack if California and New York leave the Union, the cold hard reality is Trumplandia (Red States) would be extremely poor without Blue States to subsidies all that welfare money.

The ultimate irony will be, of course, that one of the war aims of Blue States might be, should the be a civil war, could be to simply leave the Union and form something akin to the United States of Canada. Ironically enough, I suspect that MAGA New Right Republicans will freak the fuck out to keep Blue States in the Union and, as such, the most powerful nation in the world will blow itself into oblivion with its eyes wide open.

The point is — if you advocate a “national divorce,” you’re a fucking idiot.

Say what you really mean — you want the right to push Blue States around, to force them to bend a knee. And if they won’t do it and they try to leave the Union, then you’re prepared to use WMD on them to make your point.

Anyway, fuck MAGA.

Never Give Up. Never, Ever Give Up

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

In general, no one takes me seriously. And those people who do take me seriously, often get angry for various reasons. But, occasionally, I put a move on the haters and the naysayers.

I’m very, very close to finishing the first draft of my first novel.

The Vision Thing: A Podcasting Network For The Vibe Shift

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

It definitely seems as though the primordial goo is out there in the media world for a new media outlet to rush out of the void. As I’ve said before, given that all other media is mature, it would make a lot of sense if it was some sort of podcasting network.

Here’s out I would roll it out. And, let me be clear, I’m just following the general way that the old Gawker Media was rolled out back in the day.

NYC (snarky coverage of the city, publishing, etc)
Washington (sort of a snarkier version of Pod Save America)
LA (Hollywood, etc)
Silicon Valley (A snarkier version of the “All In” Podcast)
Sports (Something similar to Barstool)

If I did any of this, each one of these podcasts would come out at least once a day, probably in the mornings and would be at least 30 minutes long, if not an hour.

Anyway. No one listens to me and no one cares. It’s just annoying that there is this opportunity and no one will do anything with it.

I’m Worried About Cara Delevingne

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

What the fuck, Cara Delevingne? Last night at the Billboard Music Awards, Delevingne was all the fuck over Megan Thee Stallion. It was all very weird and creepy and it made me think of another freaky Hollywood weirdo — Andy Dick.

Delevingne’s public behavior last night seemed very much like something Dick would do. I have no skin in this game — I just don’t care — but I am, in general, worried for Delevingne.

My fear is, of course, is we’re going to all collectively ignore her weird behavior until Something Bad happens. What that Something Bad might be, I have no idea. But we need to all need to acknowledge that Delevingne must be going through some things at the moment, given how fucking weird she’s acting.

And I say all of this as a life-long member of the freaky weirdo community.

There’s Definitely Something In The Air

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

While the use of the term “vibe shift” was done in a dramatically different context when it was first used in The New York Times, I like the phrase because it’s an easy-to-understand explanation for what’s going on.

It definitely seems as though now that we’re all “over” COVID, that we’re all ready for a new era — a vibe shift. We are now in the post-Rona era, even if Rona is very much still around, and so the “wind of change” is floating around pop culture.

I’ve given it some thought, and it seems to me that given what’s going on and how mature most of the Internet is, that the vibe shift will be heralded by a podcast network suddenly blowing up out of nowhere. It’s just too difficult to organically grow a blog like the old Gawker and Silicon Valley is very much cool to any new social media networks.

As such, it seems to me that if you had a bunch of really interesting young people in your social circle — in, say, NYC or LA — you could probably find a surprising amount of success with a podcast network that was in the tradition of Spy Magazine and Gawker Media.

But I suspect it would need to be a network, not just one podcast. Maybe six podcasts that were tightly focused on a variety of things. In my imagination, it would be a lot like Crooked Media mixed with TMZ mixed with the old Gawker Media.

You would need young, hip on-air talent that were very in tune with the vibe of youth culture in New York City and LA. I would suggest you scoop up a klatch of the more interesting, poised Tik-Tok people to populate your podcast network. But, alas, no one listens to me.

Lulz.

But there is a vibe shift. I would say late 2022 to early 2024 is going to be very be a totally different pop culture animal to what we had before the pandemic. Once late 2024 rolls around, we’re all going to be so focused on the existential dread of autocracy or civil war that we won’t be all that focused on pop culture anymore.

Things Are Dark Politically In The United States At The Moment

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

There’s a very dark vibe in the US at the moment. I continue to believe we have the existential choice of autocracy or civil war in the near future (probably around 2024 – 2025.) But it could be a lot sooner than I think if the 2022 mid-terms prove to be as corrupt as I fear.

But, the point is, enjoy these last few months of normal life in a Western democracy while they last. Things are going to get really bumpy very soon. We’re either going to slide peacefully into a MAGA themed autocracy, or there is going to be real and severe political violence in the US — up to and including something we’re all going to refer to as a “civil war.”

I don’t have any ready answers for you. I suppose I might suggest you fill a “bug out bag” or some such. However, the key thing to me, the thing that will make or break one’s life during the Big Ugly that is going to happen soon is knowing what you believe in the real world.

What are you willing to suffer for in the real world? What are you willing to risk your life and sacred honor for in the real world? And, what’s more, if past civil wars are any indication, the side that seems to be winning at the beginning of the conflict may not be the side that ultimately wins.

AND, what’s more, remember, if the US bombs itself into oblivion, then there’s going to be WW3. The US is the cornerstone of 75 years of world peace — Pax Americana — and if we’re preoccupied by blowing ourselves up then, lulz, back off because we’re going to have a “Great Reset” as America is going through its “Fourth Turning.”

Again — I have no easy answers for you. There are none to have. Just understand that everything, in the real world, is probably going to be thrown up into the air pretty soon.

The Dreaded Second Draft Sex Scene

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I once read a quote from someone influential in the publishing industry that characters in novels have a lot – and I mean A LOT – more sex that people in real life. And, as such, I keep thinking about the absence of any real sexxxy time in the first draft of this thriller-ish novel I’m just about to wrap up.

I have a pretty clear path to writing a sex scene in the second draft, but it’s problematic for a number of reasons. One I’m going to be writing from a female POV and, also, lulz, I have no idea how to write a sex scene without it seeming silly.

But I’ve gotten this far. I can figure something out. Stieg Larsson wrote a number of sex scenes from a female POV and so I think I can probably manage to pull something off as well.

I’m really looking forward to writing the second draft of the first novel and the first draft of the second novel.

Now, To Start Thinking About Querying

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I still have a few steps ahead of me when it comes to the querying step of the process of trying to sell a novel in a traditional manner. But here I am, thinking about it anyway.

I have no idea, at the moment, as to the proper manner to do it. But I’m going start thinking about it in the next few days, weeks and months. I haven’t even finished the first draft yet. But once I finish the second draft and get all my Beta Reader response back, THEN I’m going to really have to put up or shut up about querying.

I know that this first novel is good enough to, at least, be within shouting distance of being sold in some capacity. But if it doesn’t work out, I’m just going to self publish and that will be that.

The key thing is I now know how *I* develop a novel and I can always use that knowledge to throw myself into a different novel and see if can sell THAT. Of course, I still am interested in writing a screenplay or two (or three) for no other reason than I think my personality is better suited to Hollywood than that of the lone wolf world of the novelist.

But, we’ll see.

I really believe in this five novel project. I really believe I have a chance at selling all five novels and, for once, not being such a big loser.

Uncle Shelton’s Tales: ‘Don The Evil Dingus’

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I once upon a time wrote children’s stories in South Korea for young Koreans learning English. I did a pretty good job. The news that some dingus from the bowels of the Trump Administration has written a children’s book defending idiot Trump has prompted me to write my own story.

Uncle Shelton was reading a history book when his black cat Midnight jumped into his lap.

“Whatcha reading, Uncle Shelton?”

“A history book of the recent past.”

“What’s it about?” Midnight asked.

“Well, it’s about…”

Once upon a time, there was merchant named Don. He was very dumb and always said the wrong thing. He was evil as they come and loved
to read a poem about a snake. Don was part stake, according to the legends of yore. One day, there was an election for King of The Land.
Because the merchant was very evil and corrupt, he worked with the king of another land to steal the election.

But many people, including the writer known as Patel would not believe the dumb Merchant stole the election, but rather believed
the merchants lies long, long after it was moot and made them look like a fool. Patel, who should have known better, even wrote a book for
children accusing Hillary Queenton and Keeper Komey of things that were not true.

No one knows what will happen because of Patel and his lies, but there is now a darkness across the land. And the history of the future
may be of a great nation torn apart because people like Patel — who should have known better — kept repeating lies against people who
just wanted to keep their kingdom great.

Here’s a better example of my ability to write a children’s story:

When I was in South Korea teaching English, there was this cute little kid who completely mixed up the New Testament with the movie “Constantine.” It was so cute and surreal that I used it once when I was writing EduTimes fairy tales for this or that surreal little story. So, with that in mind, here’s my effort to explain to a child how fucked up Jeff Sessions’ efforts on the border are. And, as an added bonus, we get to use gennies as a symbolic warning — they’re a poor man’s alarm system as I understand it.

Uncle Shelton’s Tales’ Presents:
Naborat Jeebus & The Gennies

Uncle Shelton took Midnight a farm one day and the moment they got there, there was a horrible noise! Birds were running around everywhere, squawking and causing trouble.

“What are those, Uncle Shelton?” Midnight asked.

“Those are gennies!” Uncle Shelton said. “They make a lot of noise, they warn you when you’re in trouble. One time they saved the land from a horrible orange troll!”

One upon a time, an evil orange troll named Little Hands overthrew the lion as the king of the land. He had become friends with the birds who tweeted his commands down on the animal kingdom. Little Hands had promised so many things to the animal kingdom using the birds’ tweets and for a while there was peace in the land as he grew in power. One day, the Little Hands awoke to a horrible noise! The kingdom was being invaded by gennies! They are a very loud birds and they made it so Little Hands couldn’t sleep. He was very lazy and liked to sleep all day long!

Little Hands decided to use magic to get rid of the gennies. He summoned an evil elf. He told the elf to do whatever it took to get rid of the brown, noisy gennies.

“Yes sir Little Hands!” the evil little elf said. “Right away sir!”

Using his magic powers, he summoned the most powerful magical creature he knew of, Naborat Jeebus! Naborat Jeebus was very old and long ago had left the land to live with his father. The evil little elf told Naborat Jeebus many lies about the gennies, so many lies that Naborat Jeebas cast the gennies into a big pin! He even tore genny familes apart!

The noise of all those gennies being moved into a big pen was ever so loud. Loud enough that Naborat Jeebus took note. He paused for a moment and asked a genny why they were making so much noise.

“We’re just gennies!” one said. “It’s our job in the animal kingdom to make noise, to product people from danger! We meant no harm!”

Naborat Jeebus looked at the evil little elf and got angry.

“How dare you summon me to hurt the innocent!” Naborat Jeebus yelled.

And with that, Naborat Jeebus freed the gennies and turned both the evil little elf and Little Hands into toads and went back to be with his father.

The End.

“See,” Uncle Shelton said. “Sometimes, the good guys win!”

“I know,” Midnight said. “But not always, right?”

“No, Midnight, not always. But if you make enough noise like the gennies, you’re more likely to do so.”

The Mysterious World Of Twitter

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’m so jaded — and so self-conscious about my status as a nobody — that I’m very suspicious whenever I’m followed by a Twitter account that seems not to be what it purports to be.

Take, for instance an account that followed me recently that is private and yet purports to be the smoking hot Abigail Ratchford. I find the idea that someone like her would follow me, even under the guise of a quasi-burner account, to be quite dubious.

And, really, I’m so extremely jaded at the moment that even if it was her, I would be flattered, but not all that excited. I mean, meh. Like, what’s going to happen? So what. I’m the main character of my life and I don’t need the validation of a celebrity following me on Twitter to stroke my ego.

Meh.

Anyway, meh. I do wish, however, that something fun-interesting would happen to me sooner rather than later. Usually one big fun-interesting thing happens to me a year. I’m just about over due for such an event to happen.