Month: October 2020

Save Us, Miley Cyrus, From Adult Contemporary’s Tyranny


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I don’t know what what’s going on with Miley Cyrus. Even though she wants to scream her songs for some reason, she is obviously searching around for a “new sound.” What’s so weird is she wants to do this within the context of the dreaded Adult Contemporary.

Why can’t we have nice things in music anymore, like regular old pop rock? You can update it anyway you want to, but give me a rock sound that’s got a beat and you can dance to. Here are a few songs that I think, if you modernized them, would serve as a great source for the “New Sound.”

Now, let me point something out. There is plenty of rock music out there, I know, but it’s not pop rock and it’s not Top 40. I want that vibe we used to have of a pop rock Top 40 hit. It makes you wonder if the death of rock is existential or if it’s just that our new Lennon is only 13 and hasn’t gotten his heart broken yet.

Or, it could be that I’m just old and all this talk of a “New Sound” is really just my way of telling Zoomers to get off my musical yard. But I will note that it is…odd…that we’ve suffered under the jackboot of Adult Contemporary for so very fucking long.

I wish Miley Cyrus — of all people — would hook up with Butch Vig and come out with a Garbage-like sound. That would be sooooo cool.

Reached Something Of A Milestone With The #Novel


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

While it’s actually a hodge-podge of scenes from different drafts, I have finally gotten down something akin to a proto-first draft of the first act of the novel. I spent several hours in the middle of the night doing it, but I finally managed to get everything sorted out.

Now I need to go through it and edit everything so it’s some semblance of a cohesive document. The I use that annotation to write a actual first draft that hopefully will, for once, extent all the way to the end of the first book of a two book story.

I’m very pleased with what I’ve managed to come up with. Though I did have to make every possible mistake to get to this point. But a few times last night I could feel things “click” for once. I have a huge amount of work ahead of me, but also a deadline — I’m going to wrap this thing up in months, not years.

It is a strange feeling where I know all I have to do is keep moving forward to succeed, but I still don’t have any sense of when this particular journey is going to end — or what its destination is other than simply finishing a novel, period.

Update On My Allegorical Thriller About The #Trump Era


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Things are going well. I’m going through and re-organizing my Google Docs of the novel. Once I’m done, I should be able to print it all out and go through it so by the time I get to the point where I stopped last time — just around the midpoint — I can zoom past it.

Really, the issue now is the fucking election and post-election problems. If I’m worried about the whole country imploding, it might be more difficult than I expected to wrap this first draft up by Thanksgiving.

I think some of what’s going on is this is my first time and I spent about two years trying to figure out how to tell the story I want to tell using my available abilities.

Anyway, I’m really pleased. The manuscript consultant I talked to was very helpful.

Our Coming Political 9/11


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

One of the purposes of the media is to help construct reality. They make it so there’s an ebb and flow to life. It’s when something so jarring, so astonishing happens that they can’t do their job of making us just accept things that you have a crisis on your hands.

Two things are true right now: Biden is doing well politically. Trump is going to use extra-political means to “win” the election.

So, as such, the question is — are we careening towards a “political 9/11” in which CNN’s Anderson Cooper has to look at us and say, “For the first, time, the United States is in the midst of an attempted coup.”

It will really get that bad. Trump and Barr are going to try to steal the election through extra-political means post election no matter what. Even if Biden somehow wins the popular vote by a landslide, Barr is going to use the full weight of the United States to prevent Biden from actually taking office.

If you throw in batshit insane MAGA-Qanon people running around blowing shit up and murdering people in cold blood for political reasons, well, you got the beginning of a civil war or a revolution. Something bad, to say the least.

So, I would suggest you buckle up. Get ready like you did for COVID19. We’re either going to turn into a Russian-style managed democracy or there’s going to be a civil war – revolution. There’s no middle ground, tragically.

A Note To Finneas — Turn Billie Eilish Into A ‘Rona Rock’ Star


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I love rock music. Or, more specifically, I love American Bandstand rock music. I was there — as the song goes — watching Madonna make her absolute first appearance on network TV on, you guessed it, American Bandstand.

The one modern musician who really rubs my musical clit is Billie Eilish. That someone who sounds so much like Billie Holiday would be a mainstream success with tweeners simply blows my mind. But, to date, she’s stayed safely within the confines of…ugh…Adult Contemporary.

I would suggest to her brother Finneas that the way to take his sister to the next level is to pull a Amy Winehouse and have her embrace the past in a big way. Cover this song:

If you could get tweeners to belt out such a classic rock tune, there would be an earthquake in pop music — the era of Rona Rock would begin. The reason why I suggest this is Janus and Billie have very similar voices (at least in my view.) They both have a deep raspy voice and they can hit high notes really well.

Eilish already has a huge adult following. If they pulled up the “What’s New” feature on Spotify to Eilish of all people belting out Janus, well, you just sold yourself a shit ton of albums. The only people with more disposable income than tweeners is old people with careers.

I leave you with this. Imagine Billie Eilish covering this song. Gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.

Comparative Political History: Claudia Conway & Martha Mitchell


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

You know you live in surreal times when have to start wondering if a 15-year-old should be up for the Pulitzer Prize. But, here we are.

But let’s look into the person who Miss Conway is most analogous to: Watergate’s Martha Mitchell. She was called “the Mouth of the South” and loved to gossip. In 1972, she overheard her husband — Attorney General Bob Mitchell — talking about the Watergate coverup.

We’re sorry, Martha.

Her husband found out and for her troubles she was tranquilized and held captive. (If I remember the story correctly.) Because she was so outrageous and kooky, when she started rambling about the Watergate coverup, no one believed her — they thought she was a nut.

The weird thing about Miss Conway is, to date, she’s been able to speak freely on Tik-Tok (of all things.) So, the question is — can we trust her? I think so. What we can’t understand is the internal dynamic of the Conway family and how it is she can blab about such important things without fear of retribution. So, that, in itself, makes you scratch your head and wonder if any of this can possibly be true.

Anyway.

Things are weird right now.

The Darkest Scenario


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

As of right now, it seems as though Trump is going to be fine. There may be a lot of rumors about him being near-death, but just like Little Rocket Man, he’ll pull through and be fine. He can go about his work of destroying the Republic unfettered.

But, let’s imagine that doesn’t happen.

Two major issues immediately confront us — what to do with Republican ticket and any political violence on the part of MAGA-Qanon who think it’s all a Deep State effort to stop Trump from taking “total control.”

The Ticket
The few MAGA people I talk to say Pence is not for them. So, it seems as though there will be a very brutal power struggle to figure out who will lead the Republicans. Because he’s already on the ticket, Pence has the 9/10th rule on his side. But this things may grow very untenable for him politically very quickly. I could see Ivanka becoming the Republican nominee or some negotiated deal whereby Pence promises to name her veep should he win. All I know is — House Trump ain’t going nowhere.

Violence
I believe the United States would suffer unprecedented political violence from the moment the Dear Leader flew his unicorn into the sky. In fact, it could be that Trump’s legacy may be the thing that brings down the Republic and pushes us into civil war / revolution, not the living Trump.

But I just don’t see either one of those being an issue. Just because Claudia Conway says he’s “sicker” than we’re being told, doesn’t mean anything. I would, however, check with her immediately if rumors of The Dear Leader’s demise pop out of the darkness.

Everything Is So Dumb


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Seems like we’re cruising towards what I expected all along, anyway — autocracy. Biden is going to win the election politically, but Trump is going to steal it.

That definitely seems like what’s going to happen.

If anything, of course, it helps keep the novel I’m working on “timely.” I wish something “fun-interesting” would happen.

But, no, I find myself in an autocratic managed democracy because everyone is too lazy to do anything about it. Oh well.

My Dream ‘Rona Rock’ Song — Taylor Swift Singing ‘Would I Lie To You?’


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I have written about this before and, really, for me to keep talking about it, I’m being both “delusional and stupid.” But can you imagine if Taylor Swift did a quickie cover of the Eurythmics “Would I Lie To You?”

Here’s what you do — get Taylor Swift to fucking break something. Get her glammed up and tricked out as a rocker. She gets to scream at the top of her lungs about something very relevant in the Trump Era — lies. Remember, this song’s key is female empowerment. Imagine if it was Annie Clark on lead guitar. She as very distinctive style, so that, in itself, would update this 80s hit.

I love this song. And, really, come to think of it, if you were going to get all “girl supergroup” on us, instead of a trio of R&B backing vocals, you get Billie Eilish to lend her deep, husky sound to the song. So, you’d have Taylor Swift on vocals, St. Vincent on guitar, Billie Eilish as a backup vocalist and, say, Meg White on drums.

That would rock!

The Vision Thing: The ‘New Sound’ Of ‘Rona Rock’


by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’m not a music producer — ha! But I do have an ear for music. It’s easy for me to see connections between sounds and genres. So, if I was in charge of making the “new sound” of Rona Rock, here’s what I would do. I’ve talked about this before, but I’m coming at it from a different angle.

First, start with this song.

Then you spend a few hours studying this song and figuring out what made it a hit. Was it the lyrics? The wall of sound? The moment? What?

Your “in” to modern audiences is the following song. This is a very modern song that if you used as a frame of reference the average person might bob their head to it. Or, put another way, this song gives you the chassis for a monster hit. Remember, the point is that Rona Rock would be pop-rock. It would be popular music that had a beat and you can dance to it. (With a rock guitar and drums.)

Remember, St. Vincent really throws down with her guitar abilities. So, if I was constructing some sort of “Rona Rock” super girl group, she would need to be in it just for the guitar solos, if nothing else. The next step is to find an Adult Contemporary song that people might reference in their minds a they hear the “new sound” of Rona Rock.

I think the song “Don’t Call Me Angel” is just the song you need to pull this off. Notice, while this song is still “Adult Contemporary” it does have a really strong hook and it’s soooo close to being a rock song: all it needs is a guitar and drums. I guess the point is — it’s faster and definitely easy to dance to. I just want something with a bit more edge than we’re used to with the shit that is in Top 40 these days.

Having said all that, here’s the song I want some genius music producer to update and turn into a Top 40 hit.