Imagining a SNL ‘Unfrozen Caveman Governor’ Sketch

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

It is self-evident how much Ron DeSantis looks like the late Phil Hartman’s classic character Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. This, of course, gets me thinking about how SNL might bring back the character this fall (whenever the writers’ and actors’ strikes end.)

You open with the same opening as the original sketch, only it instead of him being a lawyer, he’s governor of Florida. You have him making a campaign speech where he talks about the “woke mind virus” and how it’s as powerful as the mastodons he had to hunt 10,000 years ago. Or something, something like that.

I would really lean into the idea that he’s “caveman conservative” and that reflects in his policy ideas. Extra points if you can somehow shoehorn those type of ideas into what DeSantis actually believes.

The inciting incident of the sketch would be him ending his speech and him walking around talking to different people. One of them might be Donald Trump and they trade barbs or something.

Another way you might do it is as a recorded campaign ad whereby Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer goes through the benefits of having a president that was born 10,000 years ago.

When It Comes To The Constitution & Trump’s Potential Extradition, Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer Ron DeSantis Is A Craven Moron

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner


Nothing sums up how dangerous idiot Ron “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer” DeSantis is than the following tweet:

The reason why this is so dangerous is the type of mentality it indicates. Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer knows damn well that the Constitution is very explicit that a govenor can do jackshit to stop a criminal being extradited to another state.

And, yet, he says it anyway.

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer loves, loves, loves to, like Trump, stress test the system to see what he can get away with. So, God forbid, Trump decides to hunker down in Mar-a-Lago after giving the issue some though, DeSantis could very well be put in a position where he is forced to lose face AGAIN when the Federal government swoops in and handles extradition itself.

But it’s clear that if Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer becomes POTUS, he will be America’s Putin. I’m beginning to think, however, that he’s going to hold off running until 2028. Even though if Trump wins in 2024, DeSantis may be president of just the Red States, given how we’re careening towards a very, very dark future in late 2024, early 2025.

Is Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer Ron DeSantis In It To Win It?

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’m beginning to hear some chatter that unfrozen caveman lawyer Ron DeSantis is beginning to pick up some momentum within Republican ranks. But there are some problems — chief amongst them being malignant ding-dong Trump.

Ron DeSantis

There are two ways the potential epic battle between Trump and DeSantis ends — either Trump totally folds and vanished into thin air out of the shame and embarrassment of losing the nomination, OR, he bounces from the Republican Party for something like the Patriot Party.

Remember, just because the monied Establishment likes the “idea” of Ron DeSantis, doesn’t mean the people who vote in primaries will be willing to vote for him And there are some obvious practical problems with DeSantis:

  1. His voice.
    The more I hear DeSantis’ voice, the more grating it is on my nerves. I just can’t imagine having to listen to him be our autocrat for the next 20 odd years. But, here we are, about 40% of the population wants autocracy so bad that they’re willing to overlook that.
  2. His height.
    While DeSantis’ height is something of a mystery, I THINK I have discovered his height. He’s just too fucking short to be POTUS (as a man.) And I think Trump is at least 6′ 1″ or 6′ 2″.

At the moment, I honestly can’t tell you which way things are going to go with DeSantis and Trump. It’s all very much up in the air. And, remember, things aren’t great on the Democratic side, either — Biden IS VERY OLD. That introduces a level of uncertainty that I just don’t like having to think about. Remember, the period between Election Day and Certification Day is when our democracy is at its weakest and, if, God forbid, something happens to Biden…oh boy.

I just don’t want to think about that. The last time it happened was with Horace Greenly. To quote Wikipedia:

His death came before the Electoral College balloted. His 66 electoral votes were divided among four others, principally Indiana governor-elect¬†Thomas A. Hendricks¬†and Greeley’s vice presidential running mate, Benjamin Gratz Brown.[122]

Let that marinate in your mind for the next 18 months.

The Case For Selling CNN

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Usually, when people start to talk about a media property being for sale and you have to deny it — that means said media property is for sale. So, apparently, there is some chatter surrounding CNN.

Let’s see what the case would be selling it.

Its current owner, Warner Bros Discovery has a massive amount of debt. And it’s pretty easy to imagine a bidding war over CNN if it was put up for sale. Instead of the estimated $1 billion, CNN might sell for $3 or $4 billion.

But question is, who would have the means, motive and opportunity to buy it and why?

My first guess is someone like Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk. Remember, the United States’ democracy has one foot in the grave, and as such, our new autocratic state sure would like CNN under the ownership of someone like Musk who would probably turn it into a Fox News clone. Meanwhile, if Bezos owns it, he could do something with it and The Washington Post.

Then, of course, there are a few women billionaires who might be interested in buying CNN. Everyone from Laurene Powell Job to MacKenzie Scott might want to buy CNN.

In a sense, CNN is the TV equivalent of The New York Times when it comes to a name brand news property that everyone assumed would never be for sale. I have my doubts that Rupert Murdoch could get his hands on CNN, but I could see our new autocrat President Ron DeSantis allowing some sort of other crazed conservative plutocrat to serve as Murdoch’s proxy.

Anyway.

A DeSantis Presidency Would Mean The End Of American Democracy

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

The Republican Party, on an existential basis, no longer believes in traditional American democracy. They’re fascists and, as such, the moment they gain the presidency again, that’s it, the end. It’s not like Republicans hide this cold hard, fact, either — they won’t shut up about how they think the United States is a “constitutional republic” and NOT a democracy.

So, the clock is ticking. It definitely seems as though America has two choices as the moment — either we peacefully side into autocracy under Ron DeSantis or things grow far, far more interesting on a historical basis if Trump happens to win a second term. With DeSantis, the general autocratic drift of American politics will happen in a rather blase manner.

If DeSantis can’t get around Trump for the Republican nomination, then Trump, unto himself, could cause a National Divorce and, as such, a Second American Civil War.

But we have to take seriously the DeSantis threat. Form follows function so, once we’re an autocracy there’s every reason to believe that DeSantis will consolidate power just like every other autocrat and pretty much be in power for the rest of his life.

Things may not change for the average American at first but once the process of becoming an autocratic state begins in force, the question becomes do we stop around Hungary or Turkey or do we continue down the path of autocracy towards something around Nazi Germany or Putin’s Russia? At the moment, I honestly can’t tell you one way or another. Though, I do fear that because of America’s original sin of race that we could endup settling around Nazi Germany and then things get REALLY DARK.

Of course, it doesn’t help that too many center-Left people want to debate how many pronouns can dance on the head of a pin instead of taking practical, real world steps to stop the rise of autocratic fascism in the United States.

I don’t have any ready answers for you. But I do fear that things could be pretty bonkers between now and spring 2025.

The Fall of The House Of Trump?

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Is it possible that as it becomes clear that Ron DeSantis is the only way that Republicans can win the White House 2024…that NOW Trump will face accountability? Will, magically, the wheels of justice begin to turn faster and suddenly throughout 2023 Trump might actually be indicted a few times?

Maybe.

But there are a few problems with this.

One is obvious — any criminal accountability for Trump will turn him into a martyr and the base of the Republican Party will cling to him even fucking tighter. The other is not as obvious, but just as certain — barring something really unexpected, rather than forcing Trump into political retirement, DeSantis winning the nomination would just cause Trump to jump to the Patriot Party.

And, remember, one of the reasons why I think we might have a civil war starting in 2024 – 2025 is Republicans, probably using the newly-validated “Independent Legislature” concept will brazenly steal the the 2024 election. To the point that the country buckles into Turner Diaries-like chaos. (I’ve never read that book, but it’s a shorthand for my worst nightmares about the future of America even though it’s politics are at the far end of the exact opposite of the political spectrum from mine.)

Anyway — the point is, Trump isn’t going anywhere.

He is either going to be the nominee in 2024, or he’ll destroy the Republican Party in the process. And, really, my only question about Trump is — was his historical purpose to be a transitional figure in America’s descent into autocracy, or is he meant to cause a civil war?

Regardless, we’ve officially entered a very, very bumpy time in American history. We either slide into autocracy, have a civil war or maybe have a military junta of some sort. But the America that we have known since the end of the First American Civil War is running on fumes into a dark, dark future. Anything can and will happen and the sooner you start to game out what you’re going to do when the so-called “Fourth Turning” happens, the better.

The Mystery Of Ron DeSantis’ Height

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Americans like their modern presidents tall. And so I wanted to know how tall Ron DeSantis is — and I couldn’t find a straight answer. I finally found an answer, of sorts, on Twitter. But, even then, the answer was up in the air, with some people saying he’s 6’1″ and others saying he’s 5’9″.

How tall is would-be American Putin, Ron DeSantis? It’s a mystery!

Hmmm.

If he’s 5’9″, there’s no chance he’s going to become president unless he somehow manages to break the tradition — or he’s running against a woman who might be shorter. (The question of if modern TV audiences mind that a woman is probably going to be shorter than any male political opponent is still up in the air.)

But, I just don’t know. DeSantis is a very, very strong candidate because he hides his innate fascism behind a smoother image. Even if that image is boring as hell. He’s such a compelling “moderate” fascist candidate that I have one Traditionalist relative who is eager to vote for him “three times” given the chance.

Update — mystery solved?

Ugh.

Remember, by definition, to be a modern Republican in good standing is to be a fascist, moderate or otherwise. So, really, the only difference between Trump and DeSantis is if DeSantis becomes president, there’s a lot less chance that we’re going to have a civil war. DeSantis is so fucking smooth that he’ll strangle what’s left of American democracy in broad daylight with a shit eating grin on his face and no one will do anything about it.

Meanwhile, Trump is such an idiot that he could, unto himself, cause a civil war simply because he would gloat so much after winning, or stealing, the 2024 election. Blue States may leave the Union in late 2024, early 2025 out of spite towards Trump if he wins, if nothing else.

But we just can’t count DeSantis out yet. He may look like the old SNL sketch Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, but he’s primed and ready to be America’s first autocrat — but for ding-dong Trump standing in his way.

Did Trump Admit To Yet ANOTHER Crime? — Lulz, Who Am I Kidding, He’s Above The Law

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

So, there’s this.

What does it mean? Anything? It’s one of those things that might go either way. Trump is such a loudmouth dingus that he could very well be admitting to a very, very serious crime…or not. And, lulz, what would it matter, anyway. He’s above the law to the point that he can admit to any crime and nothing would come of it.

For the time being, I think Trump is just making shit up to prove a point — vote for him, not the upstart DeSantis. But time will tell, I guess.

A Potential Battle Royale Is Brewing Between Trump & DeSantis

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

There are two possible outcomes to what’s going on between lazy dingus Trump and would-be American autocrat DeSantis.

  1. Trump Politically Cockblocks DeSantis
    In this scenario, there is a huge battle royale between the two men for the soul of the Republican Party and, ultimately, Trump wins. In the end, DeSantis has to settle for being Trump’s 2024 veep and that’s that. We all wait until fat tub of lard Trump shuffles off this mortal coil and DeSantis becomes our first autocrat that way.
  2. The Bull Moose Endgame
    In this scenario, Trump gets fed up with the struggle of trying to get the nomination and he takes his marbles to the Patriot Party. Then we have the very real possibility that the Republican vote is split and we manage to punt our existential problems down the road at least one more presidential cycle.

    But remember, there is the Independent Legislature doctrine to be decided by SCOTUS, which might lead to the end of American democracy no matter how fucked up Republican politics might become otherwise. Or, to put it another way — macro trends as such that the United States is fucked, fucked, fucked. Something truly amazing would have to happen between now and Election Day 2024 for me not to feel pretty confident that all my hysterical, doom-and-gloom predictions for late 2024, early 2025 are spot on.

    And, yet, I’m always wrong, so only time will tell.

Ron DeSantis — American Autocrat

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

If Trump will just get out of his way, Ron DeSantis will become president and, as such, become America’s first true autocrat. It will be, as they say, all over but the shouting for American democracy. But for Trump being a narcissistic ding-dong who doesn’t realize he’s served his political and historical purpose, DeSantis being our autocrat in waiting would now be an immutable fact of psychohistory.

Ron DeSantis

But.

There is the issue of Trump. The man has proven that not only is he lazy and stupid, but he always, always does the wrong thing. So, there’s every reason to believe that Trump either politically cockblock DeSantis or he will leave the Republican Party for the Patriot Party.

If the former happens, then the other two choices we face — civil war or military junta — continue to be very real possibilities. And if Trump bounces to the Patriot Party because he loses to DeSantis, he will split the Republican vote and we punt our existential problems down the road another presidential cycle.

Now, let me be clear — I want to be wrong. If somehow Republicans stop being fascists and we pull ourselves out this death spiral we’re in at the moment, great. But at the moment, the only way that happens is space aliens land on the White House front lawn.

Anyway, the point is — things are not quite sorted out yet. But should DeSantis end Trump politically, the United States is going to slip peacefully into autocracy.