Month: January 2023

So This Is (Almost) 50

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

As I finally approach the Big 5-0 I am having to come to grips with how, in a sense, I’ve just waited too long to get what I’ve always assumed I would one day get. Or, to put things another way — even if I get what I want, I don’t get what I want.

While I have “potential” as the late Annie Shapiro once said, even if I manage to write and sell a breakout first novel that success will happen in the context of me being a middle aged man, not a young man. I still look forward to some success (any success, really) the world is very, very cruel and, as such, the world is cruel to late bloomers like me.

Even if I manage to overcome all the obstacles associated with my age and become a success, it’s not like I will have the same experience as if I was 24. I might be able to become a smug bi-costal liberal who laughs at the Poors of middle America as I fly over them….but it’s not like all the years of not doing anything will suddenly not have occured.

A lot of doors have slammed shut for me, never to open again. I could be in my mid-50s by the the novel hits bookshelves even if I stick the landing. That’s because of the post-production process of producing a novel. So, if you factor in everything between finishing the novel and when it comes out I could very well be 55.

And if that is the case then, well, oh boy.

It’s not like I can date a 24-year-old woman, date a few years then settle down and have kids. Most of my “normal” peers are now gaming out retirement as empty nesters while if I got what I wanted and had the money to afford all my dreams I would be AT LEAST 20 to 25 years behind everyone else my age.

Again, I’d still be very grateful for the opportunity, but I have to manage my expectations. Unlike Stieg Larsson, I’m not a famous journalist. I’m pretty much just a brokeass nobody who wants to tell people a great story.

I think some of this comes from how it’s beginning to dawn on me as I ramp up writing the second draft of this novel that I am going to have to stop being so fucking delusional and put on my big boy pants. I’ve finally gotten far along in the process where delusion has to be put aside.

I have to take writing this seriously because maybe just writing a great pop novel won’t be enough. While all things being equal I know this novel is getting really good, because I’ve lived such a dissipated life for so long…. I don’t know. I don’t like to think about that.

I can come across as a drunk crank — a “delusional jerk with a good heart,” if you will and the world is a brutally cruel place to anyone who doesn’t do things the way you’re “supposed to.” And I’m also beginning to grow alarmed that even though I’m anti-MAGA, because I can come across as a kook at times who doesn’t follow the media narrative of the “woke cancel culture mob” that I may not be Blue ENOUGH for the publishing industry.

That definitely gives me pause for thought.

Keep the faith.

The Paradox Of Plenty

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I have a long-running scenario in my mind that involves turning the traditional idea about humans leaving the planet on its head. Instead of just a few survivors, what if a few BILLION people could survive, but they would have to establish some sort of common human civilization on whatever new, habitable planet they colonized?

The reason why I have often called this the “impossible scenario” is despite what Americans might think, there is very little done by all humans across the globe in the same way. Even things connected to the body — like how we use the toilet — can be very, very different depending on where you are.

As such, I’ve long been fascinated by how you might settle a new livable planet if all of humanity had to co-operate using nothing more than the technology we currently have. The only advanced technology used would be zapping a few billion people to the new solar system.

This is a very, very interesting problem that I have thought about a great deal over the years. Just as I think I have it figured out, I change the conditions or make elements of the scenario stricter and i have to think about it from a different direction. It’s a lot of fun and unless I sit down and finally give the whole thing some sort of plot — a huge waste of time. Though, to be honest, it does keep my mind in shame because I push my imagination to the limits.

Anyway.

Everything Is So Dumb

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I don’t know what to tell you folks. I’m of an age where I so jaded that I automatically assume that anything that seems too good be true — is. But you just try to be the best person you can be, I suppose.

I look at what’s going on with American politics these days and I can’t help but be alarmed that my predictions of the United States having the existential choice of autocracy or civil war in late 2024, early 2025 will come true. And here I am, trying to get my first novel sold.

But, lulz, nothing matters.

The novel is getting better by leaps and bounds. At the moment at least, I feel like I have a pretty good handle on how to step up the pace when it comes to writing the second draft. I say this all the time and then I reach a crucial point where everything falls apart and I have to pick up the peices.

But, who knows, maybe this time things will work out and I will get back on track to querying as early as this fall, no latter than about a year from now.

Finally, Something ‘Fun Interesting’ Has Happened To Me (Updated)

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’m living in oblivion at the moment while I struggle with my first novel and, as such, it doesn’t take a lot to make my day. I’m always on the lookout for something interesting that gives me something to think about where no gets hurt. I call this a “fun interesting” event.

Me in Seoul when I was young and cute.

Well, would you believe that low-key celebrity crush Jen Selter responded to me on Tik-Tok with a Telegram channel where I could purportedly talk to her? At first I was very reluctant to look into this, but then the response was deleted, which really piqued my interest.

So, I looked the Telegram channel up and said “Hello?” According to Telegram, someone has seen what I wrote. It’s all very curious. I find Ms. Selter extremely attractive — but, then I’m also living in abject poverty at the moment, so lulz. But, honestly, I’ve reached an age where I’m so blase and jaded that it takes a lot to get me engaged.

I’m EXTREMELY FLATTERED at the possibility that Ms. Selter might have taken the time to allow me to contact her directly…and…yet…meh? Giving it some thought, I think what may have caught her attention is I wrote some micropoetry using her tweets as a prompt.

That makes a lot of sense.

Ok, I understand what’s going on now. Baring her actually responding to my Telegram message….God speed, Ms. Selter.

Update:
In yet more proof that I’m a nobody, I actually did go to the Telegram account for Selter and talk to “her.” I appears it was all a catfishing operation to sell crypto. What makes this so comical is how bad it was. I *think* Ms. Selter has some people somewhere in the world that she’s farmed her Telegram account out to who interact with idiots like me as if they are her. They try to sell you crypto. Once it became clear that something very strange was going on — why did “she” contact me in the middle of the night and not respond with native-like English? — I couldn’t figure out if it was a bot or a person I was talking to.

Now, given some reflection, I think it was a person whose first language was not English.

Way to lose a fan, Jen Selter.

Miley Cyrus Needs To Cover Meatloaf Songs

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’m a fan of Miley Cyrus, but she has a problem — she’s so wrapped up in belting out songs at the top of her lungs that it takes away from her overall performance. As such, I think she should embrace this tendency by picking songs to cover that allow her to lean into her natural need to scream at the top of her lungs — Meatloaf songs.

Meatloaf is very theatrical and screams his songs in a very over-the-top manner. So, instead of having to tamp down her desire to scream any song she sings, Cyrus could use that to the benefit of songs that were built for just that type of performance.

But I do have to say that, in general, Cyrus has really become one of the most interesting figures in modern music. I still struggle to figure out how much of bonkers behavior is real and how much is an act.

If you take what she says at face value, apparently, being Hanna Montana really did a number on her mentally. She acts so nuts because she’s still suffering the lingering effects of paying the Montana character at such a young age. But I will note that her public persona has been toned down just a little bit now that she’s reached the ripe old age of 30.

Oh, to be 30 again.

Does Tik-Tok Have a Prostitution Problem?

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I think of sex work the same way I do pot — I think it should be legalized, regulated and taxed. And, yet, I know OTHER people think about sex work and…oh boy…I think Tik-Tok has a prostitution problem on its hands. I am getting a growing amount of conspicuous videos from call girls who provide their “clients” the “girlfriend experience.”

Shit like that is only going to add to the growing chorus of people in the government who want to ban the service altogether for various national security reasons.

I continue to find Tik-Tok very addictive. I love it and I feel a bit sheepish how many videos of hot chicks doing hot chick shit I get pushed. I’m flooded with videos full of T&A and am very pleased that I do. I may be old, but I’m not dead.

Anyway, having said all that, I do agree that the service is too close to the CCP and should either be banned or sold to a Western company. The fact that Tik-Tok not only has a back door for the CCP but also has been known to track specific journalists in the West is just too much. But our politics are so broken — and Tik-Tok is so popular that it’s either going to be years before we address the situation or ultimately nothing happens.

I Got Attacked From My Political Left!

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Sometimes, even I wonder why I even bother. For some reason, I have the trans movement on the brain and, as such, I did a Tik-Tok trying to give an equatable, nuanced explanation of my struggle to figure out how to deal with the whole thing.

I knew going into it that it would be controversial and, soon enough, a trans person flipped out on me in their own video. I watched the whole video and was impressed with how passionate and cogent the argument was.

And, yet, the freak out kind of proved my point — I fucking hate orthodoxy of any sort and if you stake out an extreme political orthodox you’re only setting yourself up for an eventual downfall. It all goes back to John Lennon saying in Revolution, “if you talk about distruction, you can count me out (in.)

Or, to put it another way, I have a vested interest in hating orthodoxy because if you have one, I’m probably going to violate it eventually, whatever it is. That’s just my nature.

Anyway, the only reason why I even continue to talk about something as controversial as the trans movement is if the trans orthodoxy becomes so taboo to even address then, well, we are lurching ever closer to a fascist state. If we had a functioning democracy, there would be some give-and-take and, ultimately, the exact place of trans people in society would be sorted out and we could move on to cursing the meat.

But because we DON’T have a functioning democracy, we find ourselves with a Gay Scare and the whole issue of trans people even existing at all becoming a hot political potato that is used by both sides (I hate that term) to juice the base whenever an election is coming up.

The Struggle Of Writing Female Characters As An Aspiring Male Author

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’m extremely self-conscious about writing a novel that repeatedly has me writing from a female POV using third person intimate. There are even some “woke” Youngs who would say that, by definition, I shouldn’t even do such a thing. Slay the patriarchy and all that.

But if Stieg Larsson can sell millions of copies of his novels doing just that, I don’t see why I can’t. I suppose the case could be made that with the rise of the “woke” movement that audience expectations have changed since he did all that, but fuck it, I have my vision and I’m going to stick to it.

And, yet, I validate how often female readers complain about how bad male authors can be at depicting their female creations. I think a lot of this comes from over-excited authors who see writing from a female POV as their opportunity either be a woman or to design a character they want to fuck. This is very sloppy and lazy writing and only causes you to make a fool out of yourself.

So.

It’s one of those things were you just try to do the best you can and see what happens. No matter what you do as a creative, if you put yourself out there, someone, somewhere is going to complain that you’re not doing it right. All you can do is expect the absolute best of yourself and see what happens.

‘Wrong Tree’ — #lyrics to a #pop #rock Novelty Song

Wrong Tree
lyrics by @sheltgarner
please give credit if you produce or perform

walking down the street
see a lovely lady
next thing I know
she’s holding hands
with a gal
it was then I realized
that I was
barking up the
barking up the
barking up the wrong tree

what you do with your body
is cool with me
but what’s a boy to do
when he leers as a chyck
only to find out she’s
wading in the lady pond
the world these days
is so confusing
when you’re
barking up the
barking up the
barking up the
barking up the wrong tree

(bridge)
things once were simple
boys were boys
and girls were girls
now we fend for ourselves
not knowing west from west
the twain no longer meet
so you’re left to beat your meat

the world these days
is so confusing
when you’re
barking up the
barking up the
barking up the
barking up the wrong tree

We Live In Strange Times

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I continue to grow more and more alarmed at how Red and Blue America are receding from each other. The United States continues to fracture in this post-Trumplandia era. And, what’s more, there is a real risk that fucking malignant ding-dong Trump will come back.

The thing is, the United States is careening towards a legalistic form of autocracy ilke what is found in modern Russia. We’ll be a “managed democracy”….or we have a National Divorce, and as such, a Second American Civil War.

I’m not suggesting I have any particular unique insight, but the United States definitely has a weird vibe at the moment. A lot of it, I think, comes from a combination of late-Republic malaise and massive income disparity. Throw in the browning of America and the rise of economically liberated women and you have a pretty volaille situation on your hands on a maro scale.

Something bad is going to happen soon, probably as part of the passions of the 2024 presidential cycle. It could be everything from the United States slipping to autocracy to an actual fighting civil war when Blues refuse to “bend a knee” to fucking Red State fascists.

If I had the money, I would just leave the country NOW and never come back. But, alas, that is just not going to happen, unless, like I win the Mega Millions jackpot or maybe manage to sell a breakout first novel before everything goes to hell in late 2024, early 2025.

Get a passport.