Month: March 2024

‘Kavanaugh’ — An AI Generated Parody of Van Halen’s ‘Panama’

Now, if only I could play guitar.

(Verse 1)
Kavanaugh, a man of the law
But did he really chug brews like a pro?
From Yale to the bench, he’s under the light
But did he party harder than he fights?

(Pre-Chorus)
Oh, Kavanaugh, with his calendar in hand
Every party, every keg stand
He’s got his robes and his legal mind
But does he have some tales he’d rather unwind?

(Chorus)
Kavanaugh, woo!
Like a frat boy, but with a gavel too
Kavanaugh, oh yeah!
Supreme Court justice, with a wild side to bear

(Verse 2)
From “Renate Alumnius” to “Devil’s Triangle”
His yearbook’s got jokes, but can he untangle
The truth from the brews, the tales from the haze
It’s a high-stakes game in the judicial maze

(Pre-Chorus)
Oh, Kavanaugh, with his beer-stained past
Did he really party hard and fast?
He’s got his speeches and his legal highs
But can he prove he’s more than just a frat guy?

(Chorus)
Kavanaugh, woo!
Living large, but with laws to pursue
Kavanaugh, oh yeah!
Supreme Court justice, with some stories to share

(Bridge)
He’s got his Senate hearings and his FBI checks
But can he dodge the questions and the barbs from his ex?
With the weight of the country on his judicial chair
Will he rise above or will he sink in despair?

(Guitar Solo)

(Chorus)
Kavanaugh, woo!
Like a rockstar, but with laws to construe
Kavanaugh, oh yeah!
Supreme Court justice, with some tales to declare

(Outro)
Kavanaugh, oh yeah!
Supreme Court justice, with a wild side to spare

The Vision Thing: Successor To Spy Magazine & Gawker Edition — Julia Fox Would Be Key

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

It is clear to me that all of this is just so much mental masturbation. Even if I somehow stick the landing with the novel I’m writing and it’s a breakout hit success, I would not have the funds necessary to do any of this until I was nearly 60.

Oh well.

But I’m young at heart, so here goes.

As I’ve written before, if I was going to do a successor to Spy Magazine and Gawker, I would make it some sort of podcasting network. And the person I would want to build the snarky podcasting network around would be some like Julia Fox.

Emma Chamberlain

She’s got a knack for generating buzz by just being herself.

A person I would also fixate on would be Emma Chamberlain.

I would be obsessed with Fox in a fun way and with Chamberlain in a snarky way. Chamberlain is a gorgeous young woman, but she would be really easy to tease because she’s so iconic to young people with thin skins.

I think some sort of podcasting network that had a lot of savvy young people as hosts who churned out a number of podcasts a day would be a hit. The vibe I am thinking of would be a snarky, non misogynistic version of Barstool. Something like that, but done in a way that would not drive young, well educated women away.

The goal would be for those types of young women to be in on the joke, once they realized that all the snarky comments about Chamberlain were done in good fun. And I think if the podcasting network was really, really obsessed with Julia Fox’s every twitch that that, too, would be something both men and women would enjoy.

But, again, the Internet of 2024 is very very very very different from the Internet of 2004. Even podcasting is a mature market and media landscape is so diffuse these days that it would be difficult to generate the type of buzz that Gawker did back in the day.

And, yet, the counter argument is that the dynamic that made Gawker so popular — that of media outlet that was totally consumed with the goings on of the media and entertainment elite in NYC that we plebs could enjoy — is still a viable option.

I’m not saying that there aren’t podcasting networks that don’t do some of what I’m talking about. But there’s not ONE network that replicates the vibe of Gawker from 2004. I would want the morning podcast of the network to be something that media professionals streamed every morning on the their way to work, and so on.

But, again, lulz. It’s over. This is the twilight of the type of media I love.

We Need A New Gawker

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Reading Ben Smith’s book “Traffic” has really riled me up on a daydreaming basis. It seems like with the rise of Xinnals that the time is ripe for a online publication that would follow in the footsteps of the 80s Spy Magazine and the early aughts Gawker.

Something snarky that would take the “cool kids” of media, culture and entertainment down a notch every once in a while.

And, yet, there are a lot — A LOT — of problems with this idea.

One is, lulz, something like a Gawker is quaint and moot in the age of AI. We may all be talking to our Digital Personal Assistant in the metaverse using our Apple Vision Pros and the whole idea of “reading” will be cast aside like cursive.

So, I think this is it. We’re never going to get punk back. We’re never going to have another a late night TV talkshow host who is like a young David Letterman and we’re never going to have another Spy or Gawker.


The economics just aren’t there.

I can tell you one thing, though, if I had the means to at least attempt a startup that was meant to follow in the footsteps of Spy and Gawker, I would do it. But it wouldn’t be as much fun as Nick Denton back in the day, though, cause I would be 20 years older — or more — doing it.

I hate being old.

Well, Being Sober Is Making Me A More Productive Writer

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I fuck hate being sober. I really do. But here I am, feeling obliged to be sober because, well, I would like to live. No longer living in an alcohol induced haze has caused me to be a more productive writer.

My novel’s heroine sports a sleeve tattoo much like this one on Megan Fox.

Maybe not as creative, but at least more focused and productive.

I hope to get a lot of writing done in the near term. Things are moving really fast with this new iteration of the novel, to the point that I may soon be working on the NEXT novel in what I hope will be a series.

And that doesn’t even begin to address the scifi Western I want to write. All of this is happening, of course, in the context of the looming Fourth Turning and or Petite Singularity making all my hard work writing these novels rather quaint and moot.

Anyway, wish me luck.

The Vision Thing: Novel Edition

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

Barring something I can’t predict, I feel as though I’m going to zoom through the new version of my first novel. This is story I want to tell. What’s unexpected about it is it’s more of a publishing thriller than murder mystery. The second book in the universe I’ve constructed will be a murder mystery.

I hope my heroine is as interesting as Lisbeth Salander.

But I’m really content with this novel.

It seems as though I should be able to wrap up the first novel by no later than, say, July 23. In fact, there’s a chance I could have TWO 100,000 word novels done by that date the way things are going.

And, what’s more, I hope to write a third novel, a scifi western.

I have to accept that I’m just not going to have the type of success that I hoped to have. I may get some success, but it’s going to be the success of a late bloomer who has been a fuck up for decades.

It all sucks, but there’s nothing I can do to change the situation.

Learning A Lot About Nick Denton In An Unexpected Way

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I’m reading Ben Smith’s “Traffic” and am delighted that I’m learning a lot about Gawker founder Nick Denton. But I also realize that I really need to recalibrate my expectations about my future.

While got my emotional knees broken in my mid-30s when I started ROKon Magazine in Seoul, at the same age Denton was starting up Gawker. As such, even if I somehow stick the landing and write a breakout hit novel….I’m not going to have the TYPE of success I always thought I would.

I have to accept that not only would I be in my mind-50s when I’m a published author — even if all goes according to plan — but because I will be so late in life having any sort of measurable success that it will all just not be what I thought I would get when I was younger.

I will get what I want and yet not really get what I want because of how old I am when I get it.

But the book Traffic is pretty good so far. I’m pleased that I’m actually reading all these books I need to read.

Imaging The Conservative Movement After Blues Won A Second American Civil War

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

This is extremely speculative, but I it seems to me that IF — and this is a huge IF — there was some sort of Second American Civil War and Blues won and there was a Second Reconstruction….then I think The Lincoln Project would be see itself at the center of a re-imagined American conservative movement.

But a lot would depend on how bad any such Second American Civil War got. If we bombed ourselves into the Stone Age over “vibes” then it probably won’t make much difference one way or another for a few decades. But if we managed to topple Tyrant Trump in some sort of “Glorious Revolution” then some very interesting things might happen when our politics snapped back into place.

I continue, however, to think that we have two choices at the moment — either Trump wins and we slide peacefully into autocracy or he loses and we punt our political problems down the road another four years.

The other, sexier options, the ones involving civil war and revolution that I’ve written about at great length over the years…I just don’t see them happening at the moment. I don’t want them to happen and I don think they’re going to happen.

But I can’t predict the future.

The Fate of Google’s Usenet Archive & Generative AI

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

As far as I know, Google still has a decades worth of Usenet archives. Even though the most useful elements of Usenet are very old, I do think you could maybe use all those witty words from the Golden Age of Usenet from the last 1970s to mid 1990s to at least give Gemini a sense of humor.

Or not.

What do I know. I just find it something that either Google has already done or they might do in the future.

The All-In Tech Bro Podcast Can Be Trying

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

On a good day, I’m not “mid.” But I do have value as a human being and two ears, so I still have the right to have an opinion on the besties of the All-In podcast.

Uh oh.

I’m only listening to the All-In podcast because I’m obsessed with AI at the moment and they have some thought provoking ideas. But they can also come across as tone-deaf fascist dicks. They seem to think that some very complex cultural questions that require nuance can simply be “reasoned” into a solution, when sometimes…lulz.

The human experience is subtle and complex and sometimes requires the type of creative thinking that can not be solved by “learning to code.”

Take, for instance, the latest All-In hobby horse — the apparent DEI abuses found with the Gemini image generation. The issue for me is not so much that Gemini is too “woke” to give us accurate depictions of the Founding Fathers — on that, I agree with them on that — it’s that we need SOME guardrails when it comes to general images generation.

In other words — I’m more worried about Gemini churning out millions of Nazi oriented images used for propaganda than I am woke images of Founding Fathers. But here we are, with some people wanting absolutely no guard rails on AI — for any reason.

A Risky Decision

by Shelt Garner
@sheltgarner

I have a number of reasons for splitting the novel I’ve been working on into two stories. The now two different stories can be written faster. The two of them now are a lot more coherent. And, what’s more, each story will be about ~100,000 words if things work out the way I hope.

I hope my heroine is as interesting and compelling as Lisbeth Salander.

But there are risks.

One is, who wants to read a novel that is, for the most part, a story about a woman struggling to own a newspaper? So, in a sense, my first novel would be if The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo was about a power struggle over the Millennium magazine, rather than solving a decade’s old murder.

But I do think that because the story will be really interesting, character driven — and does have a murder in the third act — that it could be interesting enough to be successfully queried. And, what’s more, because of how I’m splitting the novel, I have the original murder mystery story that I can write out pretty quickly.

(L to R, foreground) DANIEL CRAIG as a stranger with no memory of his past and director/executive producer JON FAVREAU on the set of an event film for summer 2011 that crosses the classic Western with the alien-invasion movie in a blazingly original way: “Cowboys & Aliens.”

So, rather than one novel done this year, I could have two.

And, given that I want to write a third novel, a scifi western, I could soon have three novels to pitch in some capacity within the next year.

That, at least, is the plan.