My paternal grandmother started to paint later in life and she did a pretty good job. I think about her a lot as I grow closer and closer to finishing a novel that at least won’t embarrass me.
Given that I’m about 25 years too old to do anything but just sit in my room and stare up at the ceiling while twiddling my thumbs, I’m just going to have to console myself that when I finish the novel I will have prove the point I set out to prove when I began this project — my writing doesn’t suck and fuck you.
The novel I’m working on tells an interesting, coherent story that I — hope — leaves the reader wanting more. And, yet, I have to accept, no matter how hard it is, that even if I stick the landing and blow up with my novel money I simply won’t get what I want.
I want to be young and cute hanging out with my fellow 25 year olds in New York City running around the city making mistakes and memories. That is just not going to happen. No amount of success I might attain because of this novel will give me my youth back.
And if I became as big a success as I feel I could be, all anyone will want to talk about is how I became a success “late in life” and they’ll pester me with questions about what it feels like to be a “late bloomer.”
As such, I just have to be proud of creation for the sake of creation. Even if it takes me years to successfully query this novel I will have proven to the haters that I can, in fact, write a novel.
I am zooming through the newest version of the Third Draft of this novel and as I do, I find myself experiencing wave after wave of angst for various reasons. One reason for all the angst is what the fuck I’m going to do once I finish this third draft and need to piviot to the post-production issues of editing and querying.
If I wasn’t living in poverty, I would probably talk to someone about how to successfully query. And I definitely would look into talking to a manuscript consultant.
But, as it stands at least, both of those options just aren’t really applicable. I MAY be able to pay a manuscript consultant, but it’s going to take months of saving money and eating ramen to do it. It will be worth it, of course, but a real pain in the ass.
Because of how broke I am, I’m going into the querying process totally blind. I can read up on what to do, but, lulz, it sure would be nice to talk to an expert about what to do. I continue to be in denial about how fast the querying process is approaching me.
It is. It really am on track to wrap up a viable Third Draft of this novel no later than, say around July 22. I will note that I really need to not listen to the white noise about writing found on social media. Every writer’s journey is different and I can’t let where other people are on their journey screw with my head or cause me to lose sight of my goals.
I have long said that the United States is currently an autocracy without an autocrat. The only thing stopping us from sliding peacefully into Hungary-like autocracy is, well, the fact that Democrats are in power.
Once that changes, that’s all she wrote. We become an autocracy.
This really hit home when I recently had one of my monthly political debates with a far more conservative relative — whom I love dearly. They’ve been completely radicalized because of the culture wars and a general sense of being put upon by the “woke cancel culture mob.”
They have an extensive permission structure built out in their minds for various reasons, but to put a fine point on it, they simply hate the vibes and are willing to vote for a fascist like Trump if that means white Christians can have some security in what they feel is a increasingly secular — and gay — America where not enough of those sweet, sweet white babies are being born.
I’m obviously joking and exaggerating, but that is, in a sense what is going on. White Christians don’t like the direction country is going so they latch on things like the price of groceries when what is really going on is they feel weirded out that some women aren’t ashamed of having abortions and gay people becoming more noticeable.
That’s the thing that is so interesting about what’s going on — I get the sense that a lot of white Christians don’t really have a problem with abortion or being gay, but they DO have a problem with having to talk about it. And, of course, they hate how they feel smug Twitter liberals look down on them.
All of this is the culmination of decades of macro trends all coming together at once — The Fourth Turning, if you will.
So here we are. Waiting around for autocracy to come to America. That’s the general trend at the moment — America is heading towards a white Christian ethnostate one way or another.
Of course, the great irony is that because Trump is the vessel for these macro trends that some pretty surreal, unprecended things MIGHT happen in late 2024, early 2025.
Maybe. I can’t predict the future. But the CONDITIONS are there for some pretty fucked up shit to happen. There is a non-zero chance that Trump gets elected and is so fucking bad at being the person responsible for transitioning us into autocracy that some sort of effort to depose him happens. And if that “Glorious Revolution” is successful, then the specter of a civil war is a real possibility because Red States will get mad and begin to leave the Union.
MAGA is now full blown fascism. America is an autocracy without an autocrat. As such, the moment Republicans have power again, all hell will break loose. And the jury is still out as to How Bad Things Will Get.
The political canary in the coalmine is going to be trans people. I struggle to believe that if some future autocrat — Tyrant Trump or someone else — builds out the infrastructure necessary to round up millions of undocumented people that they won’t feel a great deal of temptation to round up trans people, too. And they won’t stop there — next thing you know, Jews will be in the camps, too.
Whenever you start fucking with the nature of citizenship, there is a natural inclination on the part of those doing the fucking to narrow the definition of who is a citizen down to whatever they can get away with.
Now, of course, it just sounds like hysterical doom shit to suggest that MAGA might start to round up trans people and put them in concentration camps along with other “undesirables,” but it’s very easy to imagine MAGA going septic and that very thing happening.
But, at the moment, I just don’t know. There are a lot of scenarios one could think up, I just happen to gravitate towards the most dystopian.
The thing about the “woke cancel culture mob” is, you can never predict how they will react. Now, let me be clear, I use the term “woke cancel culture mob” in a very sardonic way. It’s all a big lulz to me — I know what I’m doing with this novel and fuck you (wink) — but the tender sensibilities of some in the modern reading audience is something I worry about.
It would all be different if I was an undocumented trans woman. THEN, the fact that my heroine was a part-time sex worker would be something to praise, not go crazy over. But, I can’t change who I am or how old I am.
I often find myself pondering if I’ve totally screw up my making my heroine a part-time stripper. She is so much more than that, but that’s the thing everyone will focus on. And that doesn’t even begin to address the issue of how this novel might be marketed if I should somehow win the lottery and actually sell it.
The curious thing about the Youngs who are so fucking “woke” is how much they distain any sex at all. It’s all very curious to me. Sex is a part of being an adult and, as such, it is something that you are inevitably going to broach if you want to tell a modern, adult yarn.
But, I get it. I really do — just the idea of a smelly middle aged CIS white male thinking up a heroine who is a part time stripper is enough to make women in their early twenties want to do a few Tik-Toks in protest.
I am generally pleased with how this novel is shaping up, come what may. If nothing else, having my heroine be a part-time stripper will evoke SOME sort of emotion from the reading audience, one way or another.
I really enjoy developing and writing female characters because it’s so much more of a challenge than male characters. And YET, the whole notion of me, a smelly CIS white male, writing from a female point of view is fraught with potential problems.
Ugh. ‘Woke’ people.
There are so young women on Tik-Tok are quite strident in their belief that, by definition, I can not write from a female POV. And that is just the beginning of what the potential creative landmines I have to deal with when I do something as now-provocative as write from a female POV.
Again, as an aside, let me be clear — had I know what a potential pain in the ass doing any of this would be, I wouldn’t have done it. But I studied Stieg Larsson’s original Millennium series and HE wrote from a female POV all the time so when I started working on what could now be a seven novel project…I didn’t really give it much thought.
From what I can tell of the “woke cancel culture mob” Tik-Toks I get pushed on occasion, one big quibble that some “woke” readers have is the what they feel is the gratuitous tendency for male authors — like me — to talk about tits and ass.
As someone who actually writing a novel, I really struggle with the idea that this is some big deal. One of the thing that is so appealing about female as opposed to male characters is there is so much to work with. Because women are so much more judged on what they look like than men, the writer — that would be me — has a lot to work with.
This is the general phonotype of my heroine.
So, the issue of how big my female character’s breasts might be is actually pertinent — in my view — when it comes to describing her to the audience. Hell, Stieg Larsson spend a long-ish scene talking about how and why Lisbeth Salander got breast implants. This is especially important when should there be a need to give the reading audience some sense of the character’s self-perception.
All of this sturm and drang about how horrible it is that smelly CIS white males like me talking about tits and ass gives me a great deal of self-conscious stress. I just want to present my female characters as interesting and engaging as possible and sometimes I feel that I need to, in a matter-of-fact kind of way describe their bodies and their self-perception and interaction with them.
The ‘woke’ always have their eye on you. Wink.
It should not be that big a deal if I do it all in a non-salacious manner. I’m WELL AWARE that some ding-dong male authors use their female character as an opportunity to design characters they clearly want to fuck.
Ok, I get it.
While we’re on the subject of female characters, I must note that my one big quibble about Stieg Larsson’s work is how ALL of his female characters are good. It seems a disservice to both the story and the audience for there to be no female characters who are not on the side of good.
Now, obviously, I haven’t really read the post-Larsson novels published by his estate, so that issue may have been fixed.
Anyway. What do I know. I’m a smelly CIS white male. I should nothing at all but sit in my dark bedroom, twiddle my thumbs and stare at the ceiling.
I spent all morning writing out scenes and I hope — hope — to throw myself into similar writing this afternoon. It definitely seems that, barring something I can’t predict, that I am still on track to wrap up the third draft of this novel no later than July 22 — the 20th anniversary of my first trek to Asia in 2004.
Barfly makes good.
I’m really leaning into character with this latest attempt at a third draft. And, what’s more, I’m really smoothing out the rough edges of the plot. Scenes no longer can be moved around without regard for where they are in the outline. That comes from how stable — in general — the plot of the novel is at the moment.
All of this is happening in the context of me continuing to worry about what the fucking “woke cancel culture mob” will think of me, a smelly CIS white male, writing from a female POV. I TRY to be as empathic as possible and to make it clear that I “get it” when it comes to what women may experience. And, yet, I could be fucking Darren Star and there will be young women on Tik-Tok who simply can not accept that a middle aged dude like me can possibly write from a female POV.
Ugh. Woke people.
But, slings and arrows, as they say.
I just want to tell a great yarn and it just so happened that the story I want to tell involves me writing scenes from a female POV. When I started this project, I simply followed what Stieg Larsson did. I had no idea that it would be such a fucking big deal that I might write from the POV of a woman. Had I known that it was even an issue, I probably would have constructed the novel differently.
And, yet, lulz. I want this novel to be an old brown shoe for people who have read the original Millennium novels written by Larsson while he was alive, so there you go.
I hope my novel will appeal to readers who liked The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.
Having said all that, I am really pleased with how this novel is shaping up. It definitely may be too long — which is a real problem — but the story is coherent, cohesive and cogent. It tells a story that is engaging enough that maybe a few people — who don’t even know me! — will feel enough interest to actually finish the damn thing.
My most recent political conversation with my far more conservative relative — whom I love dearly — was extremely alarming for a number of reasons. This was the first time when it was clear to me that they were so radicalized that they were all-in for the type of Christian Nationalism that Trump and MAGA features.
My relative — who I feel should know better — has established an extensive permission structure for them to vote for the fascist Trump. Now, this relative — who I love dearly — loves to wallow in the culture wars. That’s why they loved Ron “Tiny-D” DeSantis so much.
Now that Tiny-D is out of the picture, they’ve become a hard core Trump supporter. This is a prime example of how Trump the idea is far more potent than Trump the man.
The curious thing about this situation is the energy for my relative’s conversion to MAGA comes from his outrage over the “crisis at the border.” Yes, my relative has bought into the Fox News-constructed outrage over the “woke cancel culture mob” and the “gay agenda,” but, at the core of their support for MAGA is their concern over what’s going on at the border.
What bothers me my relative keeps asking, “Why doesn’t Biden do something?” and I kind of struggle to give any cogent answer. My relative totally ignores my pointing out that Biden “tried to do something” about the border, only to get shot down because Trump wants to run on that crisis.
As such, my intelligent, college educated Traditionalist relative is willing to end 250 years of American democracy because they’ve established in their mind an extensive permission structure based on what they see as Biden’s inability to do anything about the “crisis at the border.”
This is very alarming!
What’s more, when remind my relative about all the tyrannical things that Trump has made very clear he will do given a second term, they totally disregard that we should take Trump both seriously and literally. Given that I’m someone who might very well get rounded up when the Trump-branded camps open…yikes.
And, I suppose, the only Red Line for my relative is, well, me. If Trump snatches me off the street because I won’t shut up about how I think Tyrant Trump is a cocksucker, then, well, my well-meaning relative might be given pause for thought. Of course, it will be tool late, then.
It’s clear that the two sides are beginning to harden their positions to the point that there is a non-zero chance that if Trump loses later this year that his possible demand for a National Divorce to stay out of jail may actually get some traction and, lulz, we have a civil war.
When pressed on this particular scenario, my Traditionalist-now-MAGA relative did not really give me an answer as to what they would do which is a “Not, great, Bob,” type thing.
While my relative may be a lost cause for various reasons, I would suggest Team Biden TRY to explain why they’re not doing more at the border. But it all may be a lulz in the end because Trump could murder someone on TV and he would still be 60,000 votes in five swing states away from being president.
Jon Stewart remains a curious figure in American politics because, given the logic of the modern political world, he should run for president. He would be the anti-Trump.
Jon Stewart
He has a prove track record of getting shit done when he gets angry — specifically his work when it comes to helping 911 first responders. But it his rant about the dangers of AI tonight that reminded me of how, in a sense, he is a shadow presidential candidate.
In the segment I saw, he was able to clearly articulate what might be the basis of a modern day Luddite movement — the idea that the speed at which AI will be adopted could be so fast that it short circuits the usual “in the end, more jobs are made” idea and we endup with a lot of people out of work in a very abrupt manner.
I have long wondered if this dynamic might lead MAGA to naturally evolve into a neo-Luddite movement that might combine elements of the far Right and far Left. That would, of course, totally re-align the American political system, just like how MAGA did.
But the the fact remains — Jon Stewart would be a very, very strong presidential candidate. There would be a lot of people who would blanch at the idea, of course, because of the horrible experiences we’ve had with Trump, but I think Stewart is clearly so different from Trump that such reservations could be overcome.
It’s highly unlikely that Stewart would ever run for president, of course. There would have to be some Black Swan event to prompt him to do such a thing. But he is definitely someone to keep an eye on going forward.
I like to think of myself as a survivor. I managed to thrive as an expat in South Korea because I paranoid and ask a lot of questions. I like to think a few steps ahead in case the absolute worst happens.
Well, these days, I find myself going to the grocery store and wondering what I will do at some point in the near future when the shelves are bare because of a revolution or civil war. What the fuck am I going to do?
The fact that my Traditionalist relative — whom I love dearly — has clearly been radicalized into being full MAGA only adds to my alarm about the day after tomorrow. Trump as the leader of a fascist movement definitely seems to have considerable momentum behind him, even as Trump the man continues to be a big old doofus.
As I keep saying, one big concern I have is if Trump wins re-election that he will thrash around in such a tyrannical manner in the early days of his administration that even some conservatives may balk at what he is doing. That, in turn, could cause something akin to a Glorious Revolution on the part of Blues, which would, in turn cause a civil war because Red States would get upset that Trump had been deposed.
I know that’s hysterical doom shit at this point, but it’s a scenario I think about way too much.
The ironic thing about all of this is if, say, somehow MAGA Mike Johnson became POTUS, we would slip very peacefully into a full-blown autocracy. Maybe a few thousand smug Twitter liberals would flee the country, but, in general, the system would collapse into a white Christian ethnostate and it would happen without any violence at all.
It’s Trump, specifically, who could cause the collapse of the United States into revolution and or civil war. He’s just so dumb and lazy that he would try to transition the US into an autocracy in such a way that would enrage many, many people who would otherwise just shrug.
But I can’t predict the future. There’s always a risk of some Black Swan event that could throw everything up in the air in some unexpected manner. And there’s always a small chance that Biden will win big enough that should ding-dong Trump start to rant about the need for a National Divorce that no one will listen to him.
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